Post # 32
Fiance and I have discussed ad nauseum how we will raise our children, what we plan on doing (or not doing) in terms of traditions and the beliefs system we were raised with. If I were with anyone who demanded a church wedding, I would probably walk away from the relationship. This is something that really should have been addressed early on in the relationship…not that you discuss a wedding immediately, but situations arise where you would have a conversation regarding beliefs and such, and that’s really where people need to be 100% up front about their feelings. I’m sure your Fiance wants you to be happy more than anything, but this is clearly something really important to him and you should approach it logically and calmly (since people get very hot over these things). I’d also suggest asking him to list 3 reasons why not, and you list 3 reasons why, and see where it goes from there.
Post # 33
With my husband, apathy or “I don’t know, maybe” are often code for “I really don’t want to but I don’t want to fight about this so I’ll kinda sorta go along with things somewhat.” I wonder if that is the case here and he actually has strong feelings but is being wishy-washy because he knows how important this is to you and he is dreading disappointing you with his deep down feelings?
Post # 34
Sorry I had to post and run, but some stuff came up at work and I wasn’t able to get back on the bee
Fiance and I HAD talked a lot about our views on marriage and raising children. He had originally told me that he would probably be okay with a church wedding as long as he didn’t have to make any vows to God himself and if the minister marrying us is okay with him not believing in God, then he would be okay with it. We did sit down and speak with the minister who told us that while there has to be religious elements in the ceremony as it was taking place in the church that we could customize it so that nothing he has to say would include God, which was originally what my Fiance said he would be okay with. And now he seems to not actually be okay with this.
As for our future, Fiance has made it clear that he has no desire to attend church with me, which is fine. He said as well that he has no problem if I want to take our children (if we have any) to church, but that he would not take them nor would he allow me tell them anything negative about why he doesn’t go to chuch. And I am fine with that.
I guess what’s really bothering me is that something he’s told me for the last year and a bit while we talked in broad terms about marriage, and even what we’ve discussed more seriously just seems to be out the window, just because he doesn’t want to take the time to consider a church ceremony now.
Post # 35
He may have found that after the meeting with the minister that he DID actually care about it not being in a church or with religious tones enough to say something.
Post # 36
I think that your Fiance might need some time to digest the information. While I did discuss the church wedding with my Fiance before we got engaged, he didn’t realize what it took to have a church wedding so he was a little miffed once he learned what it took. i.e. pre cana course, meeting with the priest several times, and etc. We were fortunate that our priest was very laidback and understanding. I had to sit the Fiance down and tell him reasons why I wanted a church wedding for myself and not my family because for the longest time, he thought I wanted a church wedding for my family.
Post # 38
My Fiance is the same way, no church wedding, no clergy officating the wedding, etc… However, I argee with his reasons for not having them (we’re both agnostics) but I love the classic look of church weddings.
That’s why I love my dream venue. It’s an old rock church that isn’t a church anymore–it’s been bought by people who rent it as a wedding venue only. I can have my classic look and our desire not to bring religion into our wedding for any reason.
But it might be a good idea that both you and your Fiance discuss how religion will play into your lives. I know when I dated Christian guys (even ones that weren’t that religious) I always felt like they looked down on me for not being a Christian.