(Closed) FI won't do personal vows…

posted 5 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: Are you doing personal vows? How do you feel about them?
    Yes, but not too emotive. : (6 votes)
    3 %
    Yes, and they might make us cry. : (20 votes)
    11 %
    No, we are reciting pre-written vows. : (76 votes)
    43 %
    No, we are doing something else altogether different regarding vows (explain). : (9 votes)
    5 %
    It's not important to do personal vows--do it in private. : (54 votes)
    31 %
    It is important and you shouldn't drop it if you want to. : (11 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    We are pretty private people and we don’t PDA often in front of our friends and family so we don’t plan to do personal vows.  I know I would just bawl through them anyway so nobody would hear anything anyway and I would look awful in photos since I am an ugly crier.

    Post # 4
    10571 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    Darling Husband and I didn’t write our own, but we still had input into the vows.  We had a few pre-done vows that the minister sent us and we took pieces from them and altered them slightly.

    I think there can be a large amount of pressure if you’re doing your own.

    Post # 5
    11752 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Writing personal vows has nothing to do with crying. I’ve seen people recite heartfelt emotional vows where everyone but the couple cried. We did not write our own vows and Darling Husband cried, I did not. He’s super unemotional – have seen him cry maybe 1x and I cry every other second.  


    I don’t really see why you want you both to cry. It’s either something that happens or doesn’t in the moment, not really something you can/should control or plan for in advance. 


    I think vows is somehting you need to both compromise on and be happy with. Neither of us wanted to because we don’t really see the point – people end up writing love novels to each other in them , which for us, is something best left to happen in private.  We exchanged personal letters to each other beforehand.   We also took bits and pieces of different traditional vows to suit us.  There’s more options than you think..you just have to be creative.


    Post # 6
    1835 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

    I agree with @MrsWBS:  and I’ll add that you really have no idea what may make you cry on your wedding day. A lot of things I didn’t expect made me cry. My Darling Husband cried during our first look, but he kept it together during our vows, even though most of our guests got teary-eyed. Whether or not either you will cry shouldn’t be the reason for writing your own vows.

    Our officiant is a pretty traditional Presbyterian minister, and he encouraged us to use the traditional vows – but he allowed us to each read something special to each other after our vows. He pointed out that your vows are the foundation of your marriage (they’re your commitment to each other! not a love poem) and a lot of people write cutesy vows that don’t carry the weight of traditional vows. When I thought about it that way, I was really happy to use the traditional vows. I think we had the best of both worlds – doing the traditional vows but reading some short messages we had written to each other. And for what it’s worth, I cried through it all! The traditional vows are very serious and heartfelt, too.

    Post # 7
    2604 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @lawbride88:  Okay, this is just my personal opinion but…I don’t care for it when people write personal vows – particularly when they’re alllll about how much the couple love each other.   Those aren’t vows – they’re declarations of love and while they may be meaningful and moving to the couple, they really just make everyone else squirm in acute discomfort because they’re being forced to witness what should be privately expressed things. 

    Beyond that – I think you need to respect your fiance’s feelings about this.  You have this whole fantasy in your head that you’re trying to live.  If you have to force it, if your fiance’ is standing there feeling embarrassed rather than the emotion you want him to feel – that’s not a good thing and you won’t get your fantasy anyway.

    Most guys are not going to want to declare their love publicly with a lot of flowery, romantic words.  Don’t force it.  Everyone there already knows you love each other by vitrue of the fact that they’re witnessing your wedding.  Far better that he tells you privately, when its just the two of you and he really means it rather than being forced.

    Post # 8
    1578 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

    We’re doing that in letter form before the wedding. Fiance doesn’t want to do personal vows either.

    Post # 9
    8648 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    my Fiance wanted to do our own vows.  he is a lot more emotional than me.  i know he will cry during both of our readings.  i’m sure i will cry too.  they only need to be 1-2 minutes.  i have no idea what i am going to say yet.

    Post # 10
    1293 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2018

    @lawbride88:  I think that is what the day is all about. Reading someone else’s words would mean nothing to me. If they aren’t from my heart, why am I reading them and pretending they are? We are absolutely doing personal vows because it’s our wedding day and all about our love.

    Post # 11
    1431 posts
    Bumble bee

    My Husband wanted to write our own vows. Nothing made me more uncomfortable then the thought of doing that. He was bummed too but I just couldn’t do it. We are just different like that though.. I hate toasts, he loves them.. I am not good with words of affirmation where he loves it. We both still cried.. wasn’t my goal at all  but they were real and genuine. 

    Post # 12
    514 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @lawbride88:  Why don’t you compromise and each write a letter and read it to each other on your wedding night. I honestly would feel really uncomfortable reading my own vows because i’m very private and as a guest, I wouldn’t really want to hear your very personal words to each other.

    Post # 13
    7311 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    We wrote each other letters that we exchanged before the ceremony. Those were very personal. I also wrote our vows because I wrote our entire ceremony. The vows are a spin off of the traditional vows that fit us well.

    But honestly, months before the wedding Mr. LK and I were on a camping trip. It was the middle of nowhere on a warm, clear night with a sky full of stars above us and a fair amount of Delerium in our bellies. We took a walk away from the group and stood out in the middle of a huge open field. Right then and there we said our off the cuff vows to each other. That private moment between us and the stars was magic. Looking back on it, that was the moment we married each other. The wedding was the legal part and the celebratory part. But on the June night when we spoke from the heart with noone else around was when we married in our hearts.

    My point is, don’t let yourself put too much stock in this. Your true vows may have already happened when you never intended them to. They may happen every single day as you make little promises to one another and build your life together. They may even come after the day is over when the two of you are finally alone to soak in the enormity of the day. Any of those ways is 100% okay. The ceremony is pretty words. The vows of your heart may happen some other way.

    Post # 14
    2907 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Zhabeego:  +1

    I think it’s important to respect your fiance’s wishes about this. I definitely understand your disappointment, but I also understand how he could feel uncomfortable expressing such intimate things in front of all of his friends and family – not to mention strangers, if they’ll be there. I love my fiance to the ends of the world, but I don’t need my mom’s hairdresser’s partner or my dad’s second cousin to hear my deepest emotions for my husband. 

    On the bright side, there’s something really beautiful about traditional vows. You’re making the same promises that your parents made, that your grandparents made, that generations before you have made. 

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