Post # 1
If anyone could give advice I would really appreciate it. I will try to keep this post short.
He proposed to me and everything was perfect. We had put the past behind us. But then he said to me a couple of days after that his parents said it was okay as long as if we have a son he is circumcised. Then later he made it quite clear that if I wasn’t okay with that he doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve tried speaking to him about it but I just get angry. We’ve been together for five years. His never mentioned this before. He is Jewish but does not follow the religion at all apart from the fact he was circumcised. He celebrates Christmas, eats bacon and basically does nothing to follow it.
I now feel like that he can’t love me that much. If his willing to just throw the whole relationship away over something that may or may not happen. And why does his parents feel they get such a big say in this matter. I’ve never got along with his parents and now I’m just fuming.
I’ve always said that If I have a child I will try to do what’s best for my child. What’s in they’re best interest. Not what pleases everyone else? I haven’t decided if this is okay or not and I want to do some research first. I’m especially not happy with the idea of a Rabbi doing it. No way. If I decided it will be done, then it will be done in a clean safe environment, by a doctor! That’s if we even have a Son?
I don’t want this to be a debate about weather circumcision is right or wrong. My point is it should be my decision as well. His parents shouldn’t get such a massive say in the matter. Also that his willing to end our whole relationship over it. We may not even have a Son.
Sorry for the long message I don’t know what to do and need some advice.
Thanks for reading (sorry for any typos i’m dyslexic)
His parents also said that we don’t have to worry about a Jewish wedding.. Which wasn’t going to happen anyway. This also annoyed me. The first day we met he knew I was christian and we both respected each others religion.
Post # 3
I wouold never be with a man who felt a) his parents had a say in how we raise our child b) would end a relationship over foreskin.
Post # 4
Personally? Big red flag. It seems silly to me to think one tiny aspect of a relgion he obviously doesn’t practice would be enough to end a relationship over. Add to that his parents belief they have that kind of control of your (as of yet, non-exsistant) children seems off to me too.
Post # 5
@Clarice: Pause. I assume he is circumsized? Have you ever thought about whether you would circumsize any male children you would have?
As far as I am aware, the medical community has not made an official anouncement about whether one is better than the other and the research that does exist shows benefits and potential problems with both sides of the issue.
Honestly, if it were something that I had never thought about before, and the research is split, and my Fiance has a strong opinion about it, I would let him make the decision. But thats just me.
ETA: I would do the research for yourself before deciding if you want to make a fight out of it. If it ends up being something you care strongly about and you agree with your Fiance then it becomes a nonissue. If it ends up being something you care strongly about and you don’t agree with your Fiance, then at least you have the research to back your arguement up. If you end up not caring either way, then it also becomes a nonissue.
Post # 6
Idk, some people just have things they are not willing to compromise on. I think of circumcision as a culturally jewish thing as well as religious, I know tons of Jewish people that would eat bacon but would never consider not circumcizing their child. I don’t think this is a sign they are going to interfere in all your future decisions regarding children.
Post # 7
Deal breaker for me…not about the circ, but about him allowing his parents to dictate.
Post # 8
When Darling Husband proposed I told him I wouldn’t marry him unless we had a Catholic wedding. Granted there was no push back but it was very important to me to have that despite the fact that we broke some rules. It was one thing I knew I wouldn’t want to live with. I don’t think its a red flag since its a pretty big issue but thats just me.
Wait – does he ONLY want this because of his parents? Or are they his true feelings?
Post # 9
Men have very strong feelings about their penises, and by proxy, their sons penises.
A good friend of ours actually spent the last month of his wife’s pregnancy going back and forth and was really torn up about the decision (his wife had said it was up to him). He asked a lot of people for input, he read a lot of articles, he thought about it a lot – my point is, it was a big deal to him. So, I wouldnt minimize this by saying “its not a big deal”, because that will probably insult him and make this conversation harder.
Add to the fact that he’s Jewish, even secular Jewish, this is something that is just always done. Its what generations of men in his family have done going back hundreds of years. Picture anything that is very standard and normal to you being questioned – its not easy.
That being said, it should be about HIS feelings, not his parents’ feelings, and jumping from “this is something I feel strongly about” to “this is something I’d end my relationship over” strikes me as immature.
Is non-circumcision something you feel very strongly about? Not having a penis and all, this is a decision I’d default to my husband on anyway.
I’d suggest telling him you guys can discuss this issue without threats of ending the relationship, and if he can’t do that, there are bigger problems here than your not-yet-existing son’s penis.
Post # 10
I’m going to agree with PP that said it might not even be a big deal. I TOTALLY get that it’s not cool for his parents to dictate how you raise your children. But.. maybe you’ll do some research (do some research!) and decide either you would anyway, or you don’t care. Even if you don’t care a little and he does strongly, it seems fair to let him decide.
Now.. the way he approached it may be a bigger issue, but only you can know if it was reasonable. He did give you plenty of warning, it must be something he feels strongly about. Even if his parents were the impetus for that decision, he must agree. Guys are seldom non-commital about their sons’ penises.
Post # 11
>>> We had put the past behind us.<<<
Was this about his parents also, or ??
Post # 12
There are just some things that are important in a family’s culture. This is one of theirs. I really don’t think it is a big deal, especially if you were not strongly against it before.
I do however think that the way he said it put you on edge, and I do understand that. But don’t let your dislike for his parents taint this. It’s important to your man and as long as it is not against your beliefs, it’s no big deal. (besides there is some benefit to daddy and son looking the same, for explanations and all)
He shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum type deal, but I think you should relax and consider if this is something you really passionately want to argue about or if you are just upset at HOW he said it and not WHAT he said. People do make mistakes, especially when under stress. Best of luck!
Post # 13
I agree with others that this is a big red flag. Its controling, manipulative , and shows you how he might handle other situations in the future.
If this was such a huge deal for him before, he should have mentioned it to you before and not now. I find it so strange that his parents are thinking about your future male childs penis???
Post # 14
@Clarice: umm as far as jewish guys go he doesn’t seem to be too crazy–I’ve heard of MANY demanding their gfs convert before they will propose–or saying children MUST be brought up jewish-and forget about a non-jewish ceremony, and this is often coming from atheist or agnostic jews! This is something you’re going to have to deal with throughout your marriage, if he wants your son circumsized he may want him to attend hebrew school as well–you should get this squared away BEFORE there are children involved–maybe you can find a compromise that you’re both happy with
for reference my sister has been dating an Israeli guy for 3 1/2 years now–they’re both agnostic but now he’s pulling the old you must convert before I propose move
Her last ex was Persian, ie Iranian Jewish, he had to keep their relationship a secret from his family because they would have disowned him if they found out
And her ex before that reproached her for not being jewish constantly-he was american and not religious but his family tormented her constantly and told her to leave him alone so he could meet a nice jewish girl–she finally dumped him after almost 5 years–it’s been 4 years and he hasn’t had a date since LOL
Post # 15
Has he seen videos of infants who are having this procedure done?I suggest showing him since they are in deep pain during the procedure. Is he willing to put his son through that much pain?! Wow, I’m so against this. It’s not fair to do that to an infant. He should understand that, if not, I would question his empathy for others…
Post # 16
I think the red flag is that he’s letting his parents dictate how you raise your future children! That’s not ok. And this definitely needs to be addressed ASAP. My SO and I disagree on circumcision. I’m against it as I view it as a totally unnecessary medical procedure, but my SO is Jewish (but doesn’t practice, and we probably won’t even raise our kids to be religious at all) so he thinks his future son(s) should be circumsized. He didn’t make it a dealbreaker though! I have no idea how we’re going to decide, but we’re going to cross that bridge when we get to it, and if things get ugly, I will probably get on board with circumsizing to keep the peace.