(Closed) Fiance & I Not on the Same Page … (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

i really dont know what to say… maybe you could set a timeline for when things ae to happen.. that way you have somehting to work for… and something to save for.. and you need to reevaluate these goals constantly so you dont just forget them…

Post # 4
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

If he is saying one day he wants to be married in 3 years and the next he says it’ll take 10, I think you need to call him out on that.

Also, if you are going to be living together, you should at least have a handle on HIS finances, including his debt.  What’s his will become yours when you move in (common law) and you should be careful about getting into that situation when you don’t have a guarantee you won’t be marrying him.

Post # 5
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You are half of this relationship.  Your feelings, desires and needs are important just as you feel his are.  With that being said, your comment…

I just don’t want 6 months to turn into 6 years and I don’t know how to tell him that without hurting him or pressuring him or … I just don’t know. I want to be excited about our next steps as a couple, not frustrated and under/overwhelmed.

is so one sided.  How come you feel it is all about not hurting and pressuring him? You’re hurt.  You’re frustrated.  You’re under/overwhelmed. Doesn’ that matter?  You have every right to bring that up to him.  He is your fiance.  He should be considering your feelings just as you are considering his.  You are officially engaged and it is absolutely okay for you to have a timeline.  Tell him that you want/need a timeline and make a date in the near future for the two of you to sit down and create one that both of you agree on. Then follow it. If he is unwilling to create AND FOLLOW a timeline, then that might be an indication of something else.  

Post # 6
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

I understand that excitement of even the thought of getting married but I personally would not think about a wedding if you guys are not BOTH financially stable. Finances are the #1 reason for the divorce. I would not go into something, potentially making financial problems worst when I already know there are things that need to be fixed. I agree with the ladies above…set goals and a timeline and handle one thing at a time. 

My fiance wants to purchase a house like now.  I could not imagine moving, planning, grieving, helping a sick parent, and trying to clean up debt all at the same time.

I hope all works out well for you.

Post # 7
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would sit down together and have a serious discussion where both of you calmly lay out where you see yourselves in 5 years and how you have gotten there.  Once you know exactly what the other is thinking, you can try to find the similarities/differences in those plans and work to find a plan that works for both of you.  Create a timeline and then stick to it.  If you don’t want to wait around for him for an unknown number of years just HOPING that it will move forward, then tell him that!  Even try to set up a reasonable savings plan that is manageable for both of you… and then figure out how long it will take for you to save the money you need for the wedding.  Set a date based around that.

Post # 8
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry you are going through this , you have a lot on your plate and I’m sure would love a break!

Personally judging by your financial situation, family health, and timeline expectations- there should never really be a 5-10,000 dollar 200 person wedding. The amount of time it would take to pay off debts and then save 5-10 grand to not go into debt your wedding will probably take a long long time ( depending on your frugality and job salaries).

If you are really dead set on marrying this man,  I would definitely create a smaller and intimate guest list, use all your family resources and use the Bee and other wedding sites to study how amazing and lovely a small budget wedding is done.

How old are yall?

Post # 9
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you and your Fiance need a financial plan before you do anything. Plan it out, and see what is financially feasible for the both of you. I think the problem is that your Fiance doesn’t know whether or not you guys can afford a 5-10 grand wedding. Plan it out and have it on paper that you can afford it.

As far as your Fiance not being supportive/interested in wedding stuff, I think that it’s totally normal, like it or not. In my case, My Fiance has absolutely NO idea how much is involved in planning a wedding, nor how expensive it is. I don’t necessarily think this is a problem, it’s just how they are– they just don’t care as much as girls do; my Fiance even suggested grilling up burgers himself at our wedding… um, sure, babe, it’s not like you’re busy at your own wedding or that you’d get burger juice all over your outfit that you’d take pictures in….

The 3 year/10 year thing is probably because he Wants to get married soon, but he just doesn’t know if he can afford it… those are, in my opinion, totally different things and you shouldn’t worry… sit down and talk it out!! : )

Post # 10
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@2ndtime:

This…about your feelings!

And to be honest, Mrs Argentina has given you some really sound advice there. Everyone on this website could also give you fantastic advice about how to cheaply plan a lovely wedding.

x

Post # 11
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Stace126:  I’m not the best relationship counselor here, but I’ll tell you what I would do if I were in your situation.  I’d try to sit down with him and have a talk about goals.  What is his goal for one year, two years, three years?  What are your goals for each of those amounts of time?  Because it seems to me that the conflict here is over what each of your sees as your goals in the near future.  Maybe if you can agree on a common goal, even if just for the next year, then you guys can work towards that goal as a TEAM, and not “I want” vs. “he wants.” 

On another note, I understand where he is coming from regarding the cost.  I grew up really poor (not poor…”po” 🙂 and as an adult, I am afraid of going into debt or not having enough money.  I am having a $5,000 – $8,000 dollar wedding with about 130 guests.  I am also a teacher, so its not like I have a ton of money.  What helped us was to plan for things like a year and a half in advance.  That way we have enough time to put deposits on things and spend the time up to the wedding paying it off.  Some months I was sending 20 bucks in here and there to pay off random things like the chuppah or florist. My wedding is in November, and now with our (FI too) September paychecks, we only have a few things left to pay off. 

I hope this helps 🙂 Good luck!

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