Post # 1
Bee going anonymous.
So my fiance and I have been together for a couple of years now. He is usually so sweet and such an incredible person. Always going out of his way to make me feel special and loved. However, this past month there has been a shift. Not in a way I even noticed until last night and I feel so unsettled this morning. So, for a little bit of back-story; my fiance and I met when we both lived in a very popular tourist destination. We met by total chance and our relationship began very quickly. During the very beginning stages of our relationship, I noticed a girl (lets call her Chloe) who was friends with him and added me on Facebook. She is a very “hot” girl, but I am not intimidated by other women in terms of looks so I didn’t think much of it. It’s also to note that she is a stripper (not that I judge at all). So she always likes/comments on posts about my fiance and I which was fine. So then my fiance and I are discussing it one day when our relationship was fairly new and he tells me that he went to high school with Chloe, had a very big crush on her but she never gave him a chance. He THEN goes on to say that he moved to the particular tourist destination we met at because she lived there….uhh? I ask him if he still has feelings and he says no. So I let it go. Well and this might be childish to some, it got on my nerves: she always on Facebook has to add little comments about my fiance. For instance I will post something like: “oh fiance made dinner for me, yum!” and she will comment like “oh since when can he cook?!” or just stuff like that. Always implying that she knows him better, or whatever. So again, I let all this go and none of this has even affected my relationship at all until last night. So granted, we had had some drinks and my fiance randomly brought up Chloe. He said:”I wonder if Chloe is still living in (previous place we lived)”….the booze gave me that liquid courage and I kind of snapped. I was like: “well I don’t like you bringing her up, it’s annoying” . He kind of laughed and was like “Chloe? I doubt we’ll ever hook up.” Still laughing like it was a joke. DOUBT?! I wanted to lose my shit but I didn’t. I asked him what he meant by “doubt” and he made a joke like: “oh you might die some day!” and laughed. We went back, I proceeded to drink more as he went to sleep. Still seething. We had sex this morning and I have just felt gross all day. Like wtf?! This is so out of character for him. He, everyday of our relationship, has always made me feel so special always telling me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and now I’m getting this gut feeling that there is some shifting going on. I could be reading wayyyy too much into this but idk. I just really need some outside advice. Thank you
Post # 2
So, the man you are supposed to marry jokes about sleeping with another woman AND about you dying? Sounds like a keeper.
Post # 3
I don’t know what being a stripper has to do with any of this?
But, I’d be annoyed given the fact that he’s already told you that he had feelings for her in the past and also that he moved to another place just because she did.
If he doesn’t know where she lives anymore, are they still in contact normally? If I were you I’d delete her from my FB so she can’t leave any annoying comments anymore and talk to your fiance about how his comments made you feel.
Post # 4
Well, we both have a pretty sick sense of humor. But I get what you’re saying
Post # 5
No, he said he hasn’t spoken to her in over a year
Post # 6
Hasn’t spoken to her in a year and randomly brings her up in conversation and makes a comment about sleeping with her one day? Honestly it sounds like his high school crush never fizzled out.
I wish I had better advice for you, but unless you plan on just straight up leaving him over this all you can do is tell him how you feel and see where the conversation takes you and how you feel after.
Post # 7
If he has more of a sarcastic sense of humor further fueled by alcohol, he may just have been getting a kick out of trying to get a rise out of you. But since it’s clearly still bothering you, I’d bring it up to him and see what he has to say now that he’s sober.
Post # 8
I think he was just bringing it up to try and get a rise out of you. Definitely not (in my opinion) something to break up over, but like PP said bring it up sober and see what he says.
Post # 9
I’m totally get why you are upset and hurting. My interpretation is that your fiance harbored feelings for this girl for a while and they have probably dissipated into finding her attractive and having a fondness for her, but not really seeking her out to be near her. I’d be highly annoyed at this, too.
My earnest opinion on your next course of action is to sit him down and tell him that his actions and his words surrounding Chloe have always bothered you because their familiarity with each other does not feel like normal, platonic behavior to you. Tell him that what he said last night hurt you deeply and made you feel cheap, like you are just a place-holder in case Chloe ever changes her mind.
I have no doubt he will apologize. Accept his apology, but ask him if he would be willing to unfriend/block her. I think cutting her out will make you feel more secure and give some breathing room for your relationship to heal a little from this.
Post # 10
A bit harsh but bee……your communication skills suck.
You need to have an adult conversation with your Fiance and clear the air regarding Chloe. He needs to know exactly how his words have affected you and he needs to make crystal clear his feelings regarding her. At that point, you both need to be clear on your expectations regarding future dealings with Chloe.
Post # 11
Why did you mention in both the title and in the body of your OP that she’s a stripper? Exactly how is this relevant? You say that you’re not judging, but you pretty clearly are, as you think her being a stripper needed to be mentioned in the title of your post.
Would the story be different or would we come away thinking your fiance is less of a jerk if you HADN’T said she was a stripper? Or does her being a stripper make it, in your eyes, a bit more possible that he WOULD get to sleep with her…? Because strippers are a bit “looser,” yeah?
I agree that your fiance’s comments were disrespectful to you and your relationship, and you’ll only work through this if you speak to him calmly and honestly about everything.
Post # 12
To be honest, that is exactly the kind of stupid thing I would have said in my misspent youth, when I was drinking.
I would throw it out there and see how the current-man-of-the-moment responded. It was partly to remind him how very desirable I am, and testing for his response. If he ignored it, assume he’s not thinking about a future.
That said, there are a few red flags here. He never opened up to you about the true nature of his history with Chloe. Full disclosure is not always necessary, but in this case, you deserved a heads up.
Then there is the profoundly moronic comment about how he doubts that he’ll ever get to do Chloe. Then, in a clumsy attempt to save himself, he dug himself in deeper with the painfully stupid remark about you being dead someday, assuring you that he does, indeed, have a fall back plan.
However, the most important piece of information you have is your feeling that something is off. If you’re feeling it, odds are excellent that you’re right. Your intuition is trying to tell you something.