- 6 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
Ok, this is going to be a bit long, but bear with me please.
I am engaged to a wonderful man. He treats me like a queen – cooks dinner, cleans up, drives to see me more often than I drive to see him (30min trip), etc. He is eight years older than I am, which isn’t a problem except for the fact that I am still getting on my feet career-wise and financially, while he has a good job and a solid career. I graduated from college at the height of the recession and moved back in with my parents for finacial reasons. I slowly have started up my own business, which is profitable, but it took three years to get going and I still don’t make a lot. So, I still live with my parents and I have the whole time my Fiance and I have dated (almost 2 yrs). I am very much trying to move out and regain the independence I had when I was in college, so hopefully my situation will change soon.
When my Fiance and I started dating, he got along wonderfully with my family. And in many ways he still does. I am close to my family and since I am literally surrounded by them (living situation and my siblings living nearby) I try to include them in some of the events/activities I participate in. Fiance has been great with this – the fact that he always has to see my parents (or at least my mom) when he picks me up is difficult for him though (and I understand that it is asking a lot to see my parents four times a week). Also, we include my brothers and sisters in many of our outings, he cooks dinner for my whole family sometimes when he comes to see me, he has bought my sister and brothers drinks and dinner on several occasions, just to be nice, …so on and so forth.
I was going to move in with him and told him I would, but my parents worried that I would never be fully independent and strongly disagreed with moving in with Fiance. So I decided not to…I’d rather get my own place for awhile and I too would like to reassert my independence. My fiance argued with my parents as to why he thought it didn’t make sense for me to pay for my own place when I could move in with him and contribute to his bills and still be more independent than I am living at home. My parents saw his system of sitting everyone down and having “debate” rules (to avoid interuptions and let everyone speak) as controlling and disrespectful to them. My mom is very opinionated and outspoken, which my Fiance has trouble with. He wants her to say she is wrong or apologize when she has insulted him (I think unintentionally, but still) and she won’t — she just doesn’t say she is wrong, hardly ever. I eventually decided to find my own place (still 30 min from him due to my work). This apparently hurt my Fiance more than I knew at the time.
Our family had a reunion at the beach and Fiance got drunk (which very rarely happens…we hardly ever have more than a drink or two) and lashed out at my mom and family inappropriatly. He yelled and pointed at my mom in an accusing way since she had recommended a bank to him that caused a lot of issues (stupid details really, but he took his frustration out on her). He said hurtful things to my sister (they have never gotten along too well since their personalities clash somewhat and my sister can be difficult. He also said some hurtful things to me while drunk, like “You can keep the ring.” Still, when I talked to him (still drunk) he told me all he wanted to do was marry me and that he felt my family encroached too much in my life and controlled me – something he was afraid would happen in the future if we got married.
I think his explosion that night was mostly due to (1) being drunk, and (2) pent up frustration he felt since he is very often immersed in my family, whom I love but I understand has strong opinions. My mother can micormanage a lot too. I feel like most of the tension between my family and my Fiance is my own fault — if I didn’t live at home, he wouldn’t have to see them 3-4 times a week and they would get along well (like they did before).
I should have stopped him when he was drinking too much and saying inappropriate things, but I was so shocked and caught off guard at his uncharacteristic behavior that I didn’t. I also should have berrated him in the morning, but he didn’t remember many of the things he had said and so I didn’t. I’m not one to yell much; I tend to prefer calm, talking out of issues and trying to see both points of view.
After the “incident” and I talked to Fiance about how I was upset by his behavior, etc. he apologized to everyone in the family. My mom told him all these concerns she had for us getting married, many of which were based off his behavior that night. I think most of them were unfair assesments. I do think he has an issue with my family, but I think it has to do with spending too much time with them and the fact that my mother likes to be in charge and doesn’t like it if people disagree with her. My Fiance and I talked afterward and we almost broke up. He told me he only wants me to be happy and he knows my family is very important to me, so without the support of my family maybe we should end things. I convinced him not to because I think things can be repaired. My mother and I talked and she says his behavior was “eye opening” but it is my life, my decision. I love him and am happy with him, but now I’m worried there will be a conflict between my family and Fiance. My sister told me she thinks he is annoying, sometime very immature and I should call the wedding off. My dad later said she was out of line and my mother told me to get my Fiance and sister to work out their differences.
When I was convincing my Fiance to stay with me, I was 100% sure I was making the right decision. I know what kind of man he is; he isn’t perfect but he has a kind heart, loves me so much and would make a great husband. My family’s comments make me worried I may be making the wrong decision though. My Fiance feels more uncomfortable around them but it has only been a little over a week since the “incident” for which he agrees was “completely out of line” and I deserve much better. He has apologized so many times but doesn’t understand how my family can have so many doubts about him when this is really one of the few times he has been less than ideal.
Right now I’m still engaged and thinking that moving out in the next few weeks to my own place will be a good test for if these family issues can be resolved. I never thought getting married would have this much stress. I can’t be happy if people keep trying to instil doubt in my mind. I know my family wants me to be happy and what is best for me, but I know my Fiance better than they do. Still, how do I know I’m not looking at things through rose colored glasses?
Fiance has agreed to talk with my sister one-on-one to work on their issues. He is willing to put me first in many ways when it comes to where we will live and the effect that will have on his career, etc.