Fiance and porn

posted 7 months ago in Christian
Post # 46
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Well, I mean, he’ll eventually marry someone so is it really just viewing it for fun or is it homework so that you don’t have a miserable uninteresting sex life where he has zero idea how to bring you to climax?

Porn is kind of like Pinterest. Once you get bored with the same 5 dishes you know how to cook eventually you’ll end up in Pinterest looking for a fresh new recipe to keep things interesting. 

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maggie2020 :  

Post # 47
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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maggie2020 :  I am wondering if you are now against his porn use because he wanted you to do ‘that thing’ that you referred to that he saw from watching porn.  Is this the case? …because you do not have to do anything that you do not want to do!  I personally feel that a lot of the things in porn are not things that are recommended for the average person to do.  A lot of porn focuses on the man’s pleasure and the woman is a seen as a receptical to his wants…a lot of fake enjoyment of activities that wouldn’t necessarily be enjoyable…but in real life, it shouldn’t be that way.  Porn is fake and it’s just fantasy and I think it’s important for men and women to know that.

Post # 48
Member
1681 posts
Bumble bee

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sf618b :  I don’t think it’s fair to say that most men who watch porn try to act out what they saw in a video with their partners… maybe young, sexually immature guys might? Most adults who want to try something new will discuss it with their partner first.

Post # 49
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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maggie2020 :  You’re relating porn usage to sexual activity, and they’re not the same. You’re having sex now, and he still feels the need/desire to view porn. Decreasing sexual activity will not necessarily cause an increase in porn viewing and vice versa. You also have to consider that once you’re married, sex between you will cease to be a sin, as you’ll be a married couple. But pornography will always be a sin. If he’s not willing to stop viewing pornography, that won’t change just because you’re married. This signifies a huge difference in your values and belief system. Are you willing to be married to someone who watches pornography?

And your justification to minimize your sin as not 100% right is just as much a cop out excuse as him telling you that all men view porn. Sin is sin. You’re both sinning in having premarital sex the same way he’s sinning in viewing porn. Your sin in premarital sex is not any less or better of a sin than his. You’re selfishly trying to excuse yourself, so that you can continue in your sin while trying to get him to stop. That attitude won’t work in marriage. 

Post # 50
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

Sex and sexual expression needs to be negotiated throughout any sexual relationship, esp when it lasts a lifetime.  Sexual needs absolutely change, with illness, pregnancy and postpartum, aging and hormonal changes, etc.

If you are signing up to agree to be with this person for the rest of your life, then you are signing up to have honest, open, and compassionate conversations about sex, sexual needs, and sexual performance with him.  

It is ok to have a “hard no” in terms of sex and sexual expression.  You do not EVER have to be ok with a sexual act that makes you feel bad, wrong, or yucky.  But in any “hard no” situation you also have to be ok with them saying it’s a “hard yes” and without it there is no relationship.

Porn use needs to be discussed and boundaries agreed upon.  If you really are in a loving, supportive, and healthy relationship then this discussion can happen with compassion and care for each other’s needs and wants.  If you can’t have a conversation in which you both listen and HEAR each other’s side and are able to come to a conclusion that takes each of your needs into consideration, are you actually ready to stand up and promise to love and support each other for the rest of your lives?

Post # 51
Member
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

OP, I feel like there’s a different issue at play here. You’re feeling (some) guilt about the premarital sex, you feel like a hypocrite for not wanting him to watch porn, and you fear that if the sex stops, the porn use will increase. If you’re not comfortable with any sex act for any reason, it’s ok to say no. You should say no. You shouldn’t continue to offer sex with the empty hope this will reduce the porn watching. If you are not comfortable setting boundaries, if you feel your partner is pushing you outside your comfort zone, then maybe you should abstain until you figure out what you are ok with and feel comfortable enough communicating it. 

Porn and premarital sex are 2 separate things. People have lots of different reasons (religious or not) for being opposed to them. If you’re not comfortable with something, you need to figure out if you and your partner are compatible. Don’t expect them to change, and don’t think you can manipulate their behavior by offering sex or sex acts that mimic porn. If a man wants to watch porn, he will continue to do so regardless of whether he gets it in real life. 

Post # 52
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

My fiancé and I watch porn together and sometime act out the scenes along with them. Still happy and satisfied together. I guess I never understood the Anti-porn view in this day in age. If you truly are against porn for religious reasons that is your right to believe that and not partake but don’t use your guys’ religion against him for that while also telling him it’s ok to break Your guys’ religious views when it comes to you. That is hypocritical. Just be upfront and say it makes you jealous when he looks at an actors body on the tv when he already has yours. 

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