Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and have been living together for about 4. For the majority of our relationship we’ve been living together in an apartment , but a couple of months back I saw him talking to a real estate agent about potentially looking for a house and ofcourse I was thrilled because I’ve been waiting for the right moment to bring up the subject and I he told me that he has been thinking about it for a year and just decided to move on it.
I told him that I want to buy a home together with him as I have the savings and income to do so, but he flatly refused and unwilling to buy a house with me. He has been in constant talk with his real estate guy and just last week he found the house that he was looking for and if everthing goes to plan he will be signing the papers in the coming week. And he made that decision for you without ever asking how I felt. He just saw the house , went there few more times and decided that this was it.
My argument is that I don’t want a big house that I had no say in. It bothers me becaue for one thing, it’s a goal and dream to accomplish something like this WITH him. I think when two people see each other as life-long partners I think they have reached the point where they make joint decisions. This was a secretive, solo decision.
I really don’t know what to do.
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Sorry bee, but to me this a huge, huge red flag. If you two are engaged, why is he refusing to buy a house with you? I’d be asking some pretty hard questions about how he sees your relationship in the future and lining up my ducks.
Post # 3
Huge red flag! If you guys are suppose to get married I don’t see why he shouldn’t at least discuss it with you. What’s his deal? What was his reasoning when you asked why you had no say? Sounds like he doesn’t even want you to live with him.
Post # 4
suspend : When I asked, he said it’s not like it’s out only home and even if it is, I only sees it as a structure until I make it mine and might want to sell it in the future.
Post # 5
breeze7m : is your name on the title though? Or is he just putting it under his name?
Post # 6
MrsJumboKappo : It is all under his name.
Post # 7
No this not okay. serious red flag. have you guys set a date or anything yet?
Post # 8
No no no no no.
Honestly? This would cause me to leave him.
Post # 9
Innerdonught : No, we have not yet set a d te yet because he’s already a occupied with the house and wants some time before mov ing on to other things.
He feels financially secure about buying at a great deal and with an idea that it will prove to be a smart investment, but what I don’t get is why not with me? He says, as mad as you might be by me making big plans without consulting you, you have to trust me
Post # 10
breeze7m : the fact that he wouldn’t even involve you in the process is a massive red flag! So you’re just supposed to live in a house he bought without even seeing it?
Post # 11
Honestly I would also leave him over this. He not only buys a house without your involvement but he also expects you to live in it without having even seen it? No no no.
Post # 12
Oooooooh. This is NOT good. My cousin’s husband bought a house without her input (they weren’t engaged yet but they were in a relationship). He refused ANY input from her and he’s been like that in other respects about the house since then. They’re married now and have lived in the house together for years but he doesn’t like for her to suggest any changes to the house. He still sees it as HIS rather than theirs. He also has some other behaviors that show a lack of consideration for her that (looking back) the house was just an example of.
I can’t imagine that your FI intended to make you feel left out of the process but this sounds like he’s not really signing up for a partnership and that would concern me.
Post # 13
Unless this is a flip property he plans to never live in and done solely as an independent business venture with funds from his own company, then no.
Let’s just say I know of three people whose fiance and/or husband has done this – purchased a home for the couple with zero input from their “partner” and this was not the only controlling and/or abusive behavior they exhibited, but at the time they didn’t see it as a warning sign. One is divorced, one is in the middle of divorce proceedings, and the third has been with this guy since she was 18 and having a bandaid baby because she has zero idea that his completely controlling behavior over what she wears, what she eats, who she associates with, and her access to their money is emotional and financial abuse and not normal. I have never seen this not devolve into other controlling or abusive behaviors and I have never seen this end well.
You can’t have a successful partnership if your partner doesn’t actually respect and treat you as a partner.
Post # 14
I’m sorry, bee. This raises several red flags.
1: he did it in secret
2: when you expressed a very normal desire to be involved in this process, he shut you down without any good reason
3: your name isn’t on any of the paperwork. Clearly, he’s only looking out for himself here.
4: “As mad as you may be, you just have to trust him?!” This is totally dismissive of your concerns and emotions.
He’s not being trustworthy. He’s failed to communicate, or make any efforts to bring you into what should be a joint decision. Like Anna said, unless this is a decidedly solo business deal, and he intends to flip or rent the house out, refusing to include you in this is really unacceptable. Even if that were the case, I don’t see the point in leaving your fiance out. Marriage and legal assets are supposed to be long term commitments, so why go out of your way to keep them separate?
Post # 15
HUGE red flags are waving. Salute them and leave.
Seriously — everything has already been said, so I won’t rehash every point.
But… “as mad as you might be by me making big plans without consulting you, you have to trust me”
Dismissive, condescending, “I know what’s best”, omg…please leave.