Fiance bought a house, without my input.

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

He’s thinking in terms of “me” and you’re thinking “us”, in my experience that doesn’t end well.

Post # 17
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Home buying and moving is one of the most stressful things a couple can go through – and that often implies they agree on the house and move. I can’t imagine how much more miserable and stressful this will be when you had zero say.

That being said, will you be moving into it? If so – how will you not grow more resentment as time passes if you’re unhappy with the place? Or would’ve preferred something else? What if eat-in kitchens are important to you and this doesn’t have that? What if you want an open layout and this is closed off? What if you love modern and he bought a craftsman? What if you hate the area? The yard or lack there of? What if your hobbies don’t mesh with the house? I have hundreds of questions about how incredulous this idea of his is.

Seriously… who would start their life as a married couple having zero say in your home?! This is an absolute no for me. I’d break off the engagement with him. I would maybe take him back if he realized after that it was all fucked up and tried to make up for it. Maybe. 

If you won’t be living there then … I’d still be very angry but would maybe need him to seek counseling to realize why this is still a big deal. And he might need some empathy counseling sessions.. 

Post # 18
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

breeze7m :  Making a huge financial and life decision like that without his soon to be wife is disrespectful and unacceptable. You are supposed to be his life partner, and that means you two should consult each other on major decisions and then act on them when you have reached an agreement. This would be a dealbreaker for me personally 

Post # 19
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

If this doesn’t scream “maybe I’m making a mistake” and sounding the alarms in your head, I’d be really concerned. I’m sorry, bee, this is no bueno

Post # 20
Member
3715 posts
Sugar bee

Echoing what PPs have said – this has a thousand red flags waving. Bye. 

Post # 21
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve been in this spot before but I was the one wanting to buy but the circumstance was a bit different. 

We were newly engaged, I had savings and a good job and wanted to purchase an investment property. 

Found a great place out of the blue and wanted to put a deposit on it. My then fiancé (now husband) was working in another country at the time.

I told him I intended to purchase it and he flipped it. He was furious saying we should make the decision together etc. I listened and didn’t buy the place. 

Massive property boom hit the next year and now that same property I wanted to buy for about $300,000 is now valued at close to a million. 

My husband and I did eventually buy different property but we both regret not buying the one I saw. 

I didn’t plan to buy it with I’ll itent or malice against my husband. It was just a great deal.

So my question is, is it a really good deal? Is it something he wanted to achieve on his own? Because I can understand working for something and wanting to purchase it. 

Post # 22
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Girl. Big red flag. You should go buy yourself a cute 2 family. Leave his ass, live in one side and rent the other out.  Now THATS a smart idea. 

 

I really think that major purchases (especially a house!!) need to be talked about beforehand! I mean, FFS, I even ran it by FI last month when I went to buy an iPad. A measly $400. Id be really angry if I weee you

Post # 23
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

OK so I am very conservative with money and I would never buy a house with someone I’m not married to- too much risk.  That being said, the fact that he bought it without even consulting you is a  huge red flag.  You two should be open and transparent with your finances and life goals and he is clearly not.  He’s only looking out for himself.  You haven’t even set a date yet- I’d be done with him if I were you. 

Post # 24
Member
8154 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

breeze7m :  Do you have separate or joint finances?

 

 

Post # 25
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This is dealbreaker bad. I wouldn’t stay with someone who did this- he doesn’t want you to be a life partner.

Post # 26
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

cathiemaney :  I mean… at least you asked your husband for his opinion. If he were able and not in a different country, I feel like you would’ve shown him the property, correct? You involved him. OP is not getting any of that and is being, from my understanding of the post, completely shut out. She may not know much about the place at all…

OP: I would be frustrated too, and you need a serious talk with your fiance about his intentions for the house. Does he intend to live together in it? Why does none of your feedback count, then? Maybe he lived in the apartment and you moved in,  so he expects things to work exactly the same way. But he needs to understand a partnership now.

Post # 27
Member
5308 posts
Bee Keeper

His attitude toward you is patronizing and dodgy. He doesn’t treat you as an equal partner and sees nothing wrong with unilaterally making decisions without your input- even going so far as to reject your input/ savings when you offered. For some reason he wants this purchase to be his alone, which doesn’t jive with him being engaged and living with you. In your shoes, I’d be bewildered and hurt at first, followed by angry and suspicious. Please tread carefully Bee, this doesn’t sound good 🙁

Post # 28
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

breeze7m :  Agree it is ahuge red flag. As an aside, Is he really your “fiance” if he is unwilling to move forward with wedding plans with you and making unilateral financial decisions..

Post # 29
Member
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

breeze7m :  He said ” as mad as you might be by me making big plans without consulting you, you have to trust me”  ????????

He is not using the word “trust” correctly.  What he meant to say is, your opinion is worthless, you have no input on major life decisions, you are just following my lead blindly through life.

I’d run as fast as I could from someone who thought so little of me.   I hope you will.  

Post # 30
Member
796 posts
Busy bee

This is not okay, and is not normal in any way. Honestly, I would leave. I would take it as he has no real interest in BUILDING a future with you together. Huge red flag

Leave a comment


Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors