Fiance bought a house, without my input.

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
10332 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Why is he demanding that you “trust” him instead of him “trusting” you with information and input about where you will be living.

he’s got some issues I would explore before walking down the aisle. Sorry bee. 

Post # 32
7120 posts
Busy Beekeeper

breeze7m :  This doesn’t make sense, and when something doesn’t make sense it’s because there is missing information. You need to find out from him what the missing information is. When he says “you have to trust me” I would turn that around and ask him, “Why can’t YOU trust ME with your plan? Why can’t you tell me what’s going on here?” If he’s going to flip it for profit and wants to surprise you with a windfall of money, that “surprise” is not worth the secrecy. You should not have to “trust him” on something like this. 

Another question, how long have you been engaged? You say you haven’t set a date because he’s too wrapped up in the house, but that just started a couple months ago. And also, why does him buying a house mean he can’t talk about the wedding? Millions of people manage to simulataneously plan a wedding and buy a house. Again, doesn’t make sense so there’s missing information. 

Both of these things together make me wonder if the missing info is that he doesn’t want to get married and commit to sharing the rest of your lives together. 

Post # 33
366 posts
Helper bee

So. Not. Okay. 

This happened to my FI with his ex-gf. She tried to buy a house without him even looking at it and then told him that he had to pay for the mortgage since he made more than she did. He dumped her a week later.

Post # 34
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

cathiemaney :  your situation doesn’t sound anything like OPs.

Post # 35
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Option 1- Leave him.  A man who can’t respect you having a say in your future is not a partner.

Option 2- Run, don’t walk to an attorney. (Then decide whether you will stay.) All emotions aside, this house will be a premarital asset.  There are a lot of financial ramifications involved for you. What happens if you move in, and 10 years later, split up?  Will you be entitled to part of this house?  

Post # 36
40 posts

I’m guessing he might be trying to set things up to benefit himself in case the marriage doesn’t last. Bee, don’t trust him if he won’t even discuss it with you and consider your input. I’d be scared to contribute to that mortgage also.

Post # 37
1748 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

This is a parade of red flags!!! His actions are speaking loudly along with his words. He doesn’t trust you with joint money or assets. Marrying him would set you up for dealing with years of selfishness. Please consider if you really want to marry this guy. And if you do, it may be wise to get a prenup. 

Post # 38
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What Daisy_Mae :  said x1000

The lack of consultation on the house coupled with the lack of discussion on setting a date means he doesn’t want to marry you. Time to leave him as this situation won’t improve and I’d personally never hang around for someone who has so little respect or love for me and our relationship.  Sorry bee. Big hugs xx

Post # 39
5651 posts
Bee Keeper

breeze7m :  Sweetie- you’re pretty new here so let me tell you this: the Bees here are very different, all different backgrounds, culture, locations, opinions, ages, you name it. So it makes for a lot of interesting converstaions, lively debates, and sometimes arguments. It’s not very often you get almost unanimous opinion- so when you do there’s a reason for it. Something is very wrong in what your fiance is doing- the way he keeps you in the dark on what he’s doing and why, the way he talks down to you, the way he refuses to discuss wedding planning or even setting a date.

You need to take a step back and think about what you want to do here Bee- and if you’re intent on being with this guy, you need to have a serious talk with him that results in getting some answers and him treating you like a full partner. He acts as if he’s someone who doesn’t like kids and you’re an annoying child pestering him with questions that are none of your concern. Personally, I’d be done with him. 

Post # 40
2771 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

breeze7m :  It sounds like this is his (extremely cowardly, half-assed) way of ending the relationship. I wouldn’t move into the house with him. 

Post # 41
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So is he breaking up with you and moving out of your shared apartment and into this house? Because it sounds to me like he’s just leaving you high and dry in the apartment. You don’t have to move to this new house that he bought for himself. In fact, it would be ludicrous for him to expect you to do that. So it sounds like he’s done you a real bad turn by leaving you holding the bag on your apartment. Unless he’s planning on paying his half of the apartment bills while also paying his house payment?

Post # 42
596 posts
Busy bee

My husband and I bought a house during a housing crisis and even we figured out a way to at least discuss it before we made a offer. I agree with others, his refusing to discuss it with you and telling you that you just have to trust him no matter how you feel on it is a red flag. I’d take a look at this engagement and see just how serious he is. I know that you consider the two of you engaged, but with all this going on and no date is set yet, I woudn’t be so sure.

Post # 43
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Are you sure he still wants to get married? It sounds like he’s planning to leave you.

Post # 44
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

His actions in buying a house without including you show a complete lack of respect toward you. This is so huge, I can’t even imagine how you can possibly live with and be in love with someone so self centred and arrogant. Let him move in to his new house and go rent or buy something that you love and want to live in. Following your FI to HIS new home is a terrible idea. If he doesn’t take your feelings and opinions into consideration when making the biggest financial decision of your lives, he’s going to be awful to be married to. Can you imagine how shitty of a father he’ll be? 

Post # 45
7319 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

Hell to the nah nah.

I bought my house preengagement but DH and I lived together already. We both agreed that we didn’t want to purchase anything together until after we were legally married. Even though we agreed it would be “my house” legally I STILL included him in the home buying process and picking of the actual house.

This is a gigantic red flag that he isn’t including you in something so huge in any way at all.

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