- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
First I would like to introduce myself. My name is Natalie and I am new to the community although I have frequented the boards for a long time now.
Second I want to say thank you in advance to whoever reads my story and offers any advice or feedback. I know it is a bit lengthy but I just want to try and be as thorough as I can.
I am in dire need of some advice on what to do or at least get a reality check or hear someone else’s similar story.
Here we go. The bullet points first:
My age: 37
My ex-fiancé’s age: 29
Time together: 5 years
Time engaged: 9/27/2008
Broke up first time completely from: 10/2012 – 02/2013
Reason: He wanted to see if he was happier without me…at the time, that was it)
Also: I found out he had a crush on a co-worker but he never cheated (I do believe him on this)
Got back together because: He said he missed me and I shouldn’t ask anything else and just be happy with that.
Set wedding date: 09/27/2014
Engagement broken 2nd time: yesterday
Reason: (see list below)
What I have tried: I suggested counseling for us, he said no, there is no way he will go
Current status of relationship: He still wants to be boyfriend/girlfriend. We live together with 4 cats. We both cannot afford to move right now and are in a lease.
I asked him why he doesn’t want to marry me anymore and he said:
- Because I still smoke but (as I did when we met) and he feels it is something he shouldn’t have to help or support me through
- I drink daily (but I don’t get drunk)– he says he also doesn’t feel he should have to support me here either
- My hands are rough from working on circuit boards – he says men want woman with soft hands
- He thinks things I am into used to be cool but now thinks I go overboard with them, no idea what he meant, he didn’t even know
- He says we argue too much, which in all reality, he picks fights constantly and always has to be right. I always give in. -Friends, even his have witnessed this and well, I can deal with it, but he refuses to see it is him.
- He doesn’t think that I don’t dress well most of the time
- He said there are still many things he wants to do like go back to college
- He said he wants to get a better job and make more money but for us, for himself
- Because I have trust issues with him
- He asked where my mind was on marriage at age 29 – I said I was actually in my first engagement before the guy cheated on me
Recently I asked him what he loves about me. His response was:
- that I love him
- that I rub his back
- that I clean the house
- that I cook
He said he still wants to be together however and remain boyfriend and girlfriend and maybe if things get better he will reconsider getting married. This is the 2nd time he has retracted the engagement but this time wants to stay together and I am very confused.
What am I doing?
Here is a blunder on my part that shed light on things that caused the avalanche that led to him calling off the engagement apparently:
A few months ago our sex life started to take a downward turn. What once was several times a week of making love was becoming nothing.
He used (apparently still has) a problem with porn and masturbating (sorry to be graphic here), but when I asked him about our intimacy issues he told me it was not because of that and that he hadn’t been doing “it” (masturbating to porn). I have even tried to get him to watch it together; he got very defensive and angry so I had to let that idea go.
Well a few nights that I went out to dinner with some girlfriends, I had set up audio recorders and sure enough I picked up the sound of him doing “it”. Yes, I know it was not trustworthy but I had to know if he was being truthful and I did confront him on it and asked him one of the nights I caught it on tape if he had. He said ‘No’. I said would you put our relationship on that answer and he said ‘Of course’. I then told him about the recording.
Also on this recording I overheard a conversation on the phone between him and his mom where he was complaining about me incessantly making things up even saying that I put key-loggers on his computer, which I didn’t do.
I have learned to live with most of his flaws because we do have a lot in common. I feel it is important to mention that when we started dating 5 years ago he only had 1 girlfriend before me which lasted 2 weeks before she left him. Also, he was a virgin. His mother and father are still married although are not affectionate with one another. His siblings are very sheltered.
Here is a little bit about him and his quirks that bum me out especially when he distances himself from me. He really is a ‘different’ kind of guy.
- He doesn’t compliment. He has never paid me a compliment on my looks or anything, so to go from sex to no sex and also not have any reassurance it isn’t me really made me feel low.
- He is very private about his money. He doesn’t believe in sharing it. Our rent is $1900, he gives me $600 and I pay all the rest and utilities. I only make $500 more a month than he does.
- He isn’t the type of guy who will worry. if I am out late in LA at a concert with a friend to see if I am safe. If I didn’t come home, he probably wouldn’t think twice.
- He has strange standards. I sent him a pic via text of my breasts (with my bra on, I have never taken a nudie) and he texted back that I don’t have to send pics like that. This I thought was weird, especially for a porn addict. I was just looking for something to get him riled up to make love.
I think I just went on a rant. I tried to keep this somewhat cohesive but I am not sure I succeeded. Anyway, I hope someone can make sense of this.
I guess my questions are:
Why would someone break someone’s heart twice retracting an engagement?
Why would he stay with me in the relationship if he didn’t plan on marrying me? I mean how are things going to get better?
Has anyone worked through this and it actually worked and you ended up getting married and having things work out?
Thank you for reading, I sincerely do appreciate it.