- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2018
I have been with my fiance for 6 and a half years. I’m 32, he’s 30. Just a few weeks ago, 2 days after my birthday, he told me he doesn’t see this marriage and relationship continuing and wanted to break up.
Here’s the thing. I have major anxiety and depression, and I tend to doubt a lot of things in my life. Ever since the engagement, I had feelings of “dread” about getting married. Kept putting off setting a date, didn’t tell people about my engagement, every step of the planning process felt forced and made me sick to my stomach. I brushed it off as my anxiety and pushed through it. Fast foreward to 6 months before the wedding and I was plagued with thoughts about cancelling the wedding and as the date came closer and closer, I was feeling more and more in my gut that this wasn’t right. My fiance was an amazing man. Stable job, kind, loyal, funny, but something in me has been hesitant about him for a while. My attraction was fading, our intimacy was out the window, his little quirks were driving me bonkers and while I loved him, I don’t know if I was ever “in love” with him.
After a while all these feelings were eating away at me and I spoke with my fiance about my “uncertainty”. Things were rocky for a while, but we were pushing through it. It came to a head when I became really depressed, kept constantly pushing him away and started hysterical crying and saying I was so unhappy and didnt want to live anymore. This scared him and I thing was the major root for him calling everything off. I was trying to be open and honest with him about how I was feeling planning a wedding with unresolved issues and doubts.
He decided he couldn’t handle my anxiety and depression anymore and told me that while he loved me so much, he couldnt comtinue on this way and he was emotionally drained. I never meant to hurt him. Now that he is gone, a piece of me is missing. He is moving out of our shared place this week and I don’t know what to do. I love him and want him to come back, but I don’t want to make him unhappy anymore. My therapist tells me I never loved “me” therefore I was drowning in a relationship where I had to put love into another person also and it was wearing me down. I feel like I lost the best thing in my life and I never meant to.
Anybody here lose someone to anxiety and depression. And do you really think it was the anxiety and depression? Or was it my gut telling me this person wasn’t “the one”? I feel so lost and confused.