(Closed) Fiancé called off engagement/relationship. Devastated, was it for the best?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3056 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

While I can’t relate to your struggles I can say that it’s for the best that he told you before you were married. You will find the right person it just wasn’t him. Sending hugs.

Post # 3
Member
8514 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m a little confused. You say “…while I loved him, I don’t know if I was ever “in love” with him.”

But then also “I love him and want him to come back...”

I have a feeling you’re now looking back at things with rose colored glasses. In any case, if he ended it because he couldn’t handle your anxiety and depression, then yes, I completely think it was for the best. You should spend the rest of your life with someone who will stand by your side through all the ups and downs and love and support you no matter what you’re dealing with.

Post # 4
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

I mean this in the kindest way possible… this isn’t your ex not able to love you.  Chronic illness is extremely difficult and I can understand why he was drained.  He has to take care of himself as well.  I feel like your therapist was saying that any relationship takes work and input and you can’t do that until you become healthy.  I think you need to work on yourself and put getting back together out of your head.  No one can tell you if too much water has passed under the bridge, but that isn’t your priority right now.

Post # 5
Member
8489 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
jesslynn4686 :  Yes, it was for the best. Those feelings you were having were signs that you should break it off. It sounds like you didn’t recognize the signs or didn’t heed them, so it fell to your ex to do it. I think you’re fortunate that he was able to see the writing on the wall and had the strength to pull the plug. It sounds like neither of you is wrong or a bad guy here, you’re just not right for each other. Now you are both free to work on yourselves and perhaps find someone you’re more compatible with. It hurts right now because you feel alone, lost, and without a security blanket that you’ve had for 6 years, but it will get easier and be better in the long run. Best wishes.

ETA: I don’t believe in “The One”. I believe there are dozens, probably hundreds of people we can love and live happily with. People who think they’ve found “The One” end up staying in bad relationships way too long because deep in the throes of the honeymoon stage they decided he was The One, and they don’t want to admit they were wrong. Or they’re afraid, what if he is The One and they’ll never find another? Don’t fall into that trap. This guy wasn’t The One, and he’s not even A one for you. 

Post # 6
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee

You say: “6 months before the wedding and I was plagued with thoughts about cancelling the wedding and as the date came closer and closer, I was feeling more and more in my gut that this wasn’t right…. My attraction was fading, our intimacy was out the window, his little quirks were driving me bonkers and while I loved him, I don’t know if I was ever ‘in love’ with him.”

You indicate that you expressed these things to him, which must have required a lot of vulnerability: “I was trying to be open and honest with him about how I was feeling planning a wedding with unresolved issues and doubts.” 

He didn’t leave because he couldn’t handle your anxiety and depression in genenal — he left because you expressed how unsure you were of moving forward and he didn’t want to marry someone who felt so uncertain about him and the relationship. Frankly, most healthy self-respecting individuals wouldn’t marry someone who was so unsure of them either. If my fiance told me he felt sick to his stomach every time he had to think about the wedding and that he wasn’t attracted to me and wasn’t sure about getting married anymore, I wouldn’t continue the relationship either, no matter how hard that would be. Your post title is “Fiance called off engagement” which suggests that you had no agency or role in the breakup, but that’s clearly not the case based on what you’ve written. Own your agency in the breakup. 

Now that you’ve broken up you’re questioning everything again and dealing with the loss of security and your newfound uncertainty about the future, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that the breakup was brought on by your extreme doubts about marrying him. It wouldn’t have been fair to him to continue a relationship with you feeling so checked out, and it wouldn’t have been fair to you either. You shouldn’t feel sick to your stomach every time you think about your wedding, it should be a source of joy and excitement. It’s for the best that you broke up. Wishing you the best in moving forward. 

Post # 7
Member
704 posts
Busy bee

I had a long term boyfriend years ago, we got engaged and bit by bit it was obvious that though we were great as boyfriend and girlfriend, we were not meant to be married. I still say he was a wonderful boyfriend, but the more we talked of marriage, neither one of us was excited or happy. it was a situation where everyone was waiting for the day I’d have a ring on my finger and we’d say I do. a situation where we were ‘supposed ‘ to be married. I called it off, everyone was shocked. all were Even more shocked when a few years later I had a ring on my finger from a man that I had only known for 4 1/2 months. I married him 13 months later, and we are going to celebrate our 19th anniversary this weekend. At least we will be then if my dress is finished in time lol

I have depression and anxiety as well. it’s hard to deal with. my ex was not the one for many reasons, but he was never able to deal with my depression like my husband does. Even though I had some depression and anxiety during the engagement with my husband, it never made me question if he was the one. I questioned a lot of things like venue, timing, should we wait to marry,  but never him.

point is, I’ve been there and though I didn’t believe it when I split with my ex, the right man for a marriage with me was out there. Please try to not do what I did. I overthought the whole break up, thought that if my ex wasn’t the one that no one would be. I’m not going to say just let it go, because I know when you have depression and anxiety it’s not that easy. My suggestion is just do what you can to move on and try and feel better even if it takes a while. Get yourself busy, find fun things to do, and concentrate on them. If you can’t have fun for a while, just find things to distract you and concentrate on them. I coudln’t have fun for a while, I admit. But it passed. I took a ballroom dancing class and had a great time. Some told me I should just burn all the pictures of my ex. I didn’t,but I did burn the ones that made me upset. I still have some of the ones from my best memories of him. For me, it helps to every once in a while embrace that there were some wonderful times, and it was not a waste of the 5 years. It was just meant to end after 5 years, it happens.

Don’t blame yourself, some love stories are short stories, but that doesn’t make them a mistake or any less filled with love 🙂 Crazy as it may sound, My husband even likes to see some of those pictures from years ago with my ex and hear the stories of some of the fun times I had. He found some recently in a old box and teased me with ‘oh, I’m sure you want to frame this one, and here’s something for my wallet!’ It will get better one way or another. I’m sure your ex was a wonderful man, but as a husband he didn’t work out. Hope that my story has been of some help, feel free to send me a message if you’d like.

It takes time, but it gets better over time, trust me.

Post # 8
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
jesslynn4686 :  

A relationship can only be as healthy as the people in it, Bee.  It’s time to work on yourself.  We can’t possibly know all of the reasons why your ex ended it, only he knows that.

What is clear from your post is that you suffer terribly and that has to be dealt with before you try again in a new relationship. Are you currently on meds for your anxiety and depression?  Maybe that needs to be explored or adjustments made.

You were in the wrong relationship at the wrong time.  Let it go.  Focus on getting yourself healthy.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
2557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

 You were the one who instigated the breakup by telling him they you did not really want to marry him, aren’t attracted to him & had lost the spark. What did you expect him to do? 

Post # 10
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

So, a couple of things. 

First of all, I see you are getting therapy for your anxiety and depression, which is great! Are you taking any meds? I’ve never been depressed but I have struggled with anxiety (I call it “my brain being stupid”) and my meds were a godsend and made the therapeutic work easier. 

Second, when someone is the right person there is no doubt. I can overthink just about anything and work myself into a state, but I never once doubted that DH was my person. 

I think you got engaged to the wrong person, you knew on a certain level that he was wrong for you, and it just dialed your already existing anxiety up to 11. I feel bad for your ex because it has to suck to hear your thoughts about lack of attraction, but I think you both did the right thing in this case by you being open and honest about your concerns and him leaving because of them. 

I’m sorry you both found yourself in this situation. It’s very sad. I hope you learn from it and heal! Be kind to yourself. 

Post # 11
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

View original reply
browneyedgirl24 :  Yes! Exactly

Bee you make it out like you were blindsided by this sudden breakup when you were the one who told him all those very worrying thoughts. If anyone said that to me 6 months before the wedding I would be out of there so fast whether the person has anxiety or not who would want to be in a relationship with someone who has so much doubts, feels no spark and just wants to run away from it all.

Just accept everything happened for the best and find a way to get your anxiety a bit more manageable. I also get bad anxiety but medication really helped and so does a calmer life with less stress so maybe now the wedding is cancelled you will feel better and less anxious as well.

Post # 12
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Sounds to me like you wanted to break up, but didn’t want to be the bad guy. So you kept acting out until he did it. Now you want to play the victim. It doesn’t work that way. He called your bluff, so it’s time to move on.

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