Post # 1
I just wanted a place to vent/seek advice as I go through this trying time.
My now ex fiance (34) called off our (im 32) wedding/broke off our relationship about 2 weeks ago now.
Our story started a little over 2 years ago. We met on valentines day for our first date. We had a great time and hung out for hours. As we were leaving he gives me my favorite bottle of bourbon and roses. It was super sweet and I immediately fell for him. He was funny and more than charming. A month in he breaks it off with me saying he sees me more as a friend. I acknowledged and let him go and did not reach out. He ended up coming back and saying he may have made a mistake and just wants to continue hanging out to see where this goes. We began hanging out almost daily… we laughed uncontrollably together and had a great sex life. It all seemed perfect. One night we were at a friends house and I ended up getting a little too tipsy and had to hit the sack earlier than the group. This enraged him and he ended up breaking up with me AGAIN. I ignored him and just went on my way for him to then reach back out to me. I said okay lets give this one more shot… so we did. We ended up dating for over a year doing all kinds of activities together and just loving life as a couple. The one St. Patties day i caught him sexting another woman. He begged and pleaded for me to stay and that he was just stressed from his job. For some reason I accepted his appology and we moved forward and continued having a great time/relationship. He got a new job making a ton of money. I got a new job making good money.
In July of 2018 he proposed me to on my birthday trip. Everything was great. I felt like I finally found someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. Then things started to turn. He started to nit pick at everything I did. If i forgot to change over the laundry right away or if i waited to fold the laundry until the next day because it was late… I was lazy and took no initiative. I was responsible for cooking dinners making sure the house was tidy… he didnt want to do it. It was solely my responsibilty since he was the “bread winner and man of the house”. He would become enraged over the tiniest things – threaten and question our marriage and then say “im sorry i love you i would never leave you”. This was a never ending circle of fights like this. In between the fights everything seemed great. We always had a great time and home life was fine. We went to Colorado in August and had a blast with our friends and even bought our plane tickets for the wedding. Then I found out he was actively flirting with some woman on linked in and becoming close to her. wtf.
Then in september we went to Costa Rica for a work trip of his. I thought everything was great on the trip but as soon as we got back he ended it. Saying he has been feeling unhappy for awhile… he has been talking to his family for months saying he was unsure and he doesnt know what to do. He only took me to costa rick so i wouldnt miss out on the experience.
I am just so fucking upset. Why would you buy plane tickets for our wedding right before costa rica if you were so unhappy? Why put me through this emotional roller coaster? I just cant even begin to understand what I did wrong? He said he was looking for a partnership and if he didnt get this new job we would probably be together and he needs someone Type A. He claims every day that the reason the relationship failed was because of me.
And in the end… i still want to be with this guy? What is wrong with me? He plays off so charming and everyone loves him, which is why i fall so hard for him… then theres this other side of him that makes me feel so empty and unworthy. Why do i feel like i am nothing with out this guy? Like now that he called off our wedding I am the failure? Just looking for some advice here as i go through these motions.
I am still living with him actively trying to find an apartment. He continuously says he loves me, who knows what will happen in the future… then says things like “this relationship is done, it is what it is, theres nothing that can be done here”.
I am losing. my. mind.
Why am I being so dumb?
Post # 2
You’re not being dumb. It’s called trauma bonding. You dodged a MAJOR bullet. This man sounds like an abuser with narcissistic qualities. Get yourself into therapy with someone who is well familiar with narcissistic personality disorder and the victims of the people with this insidious affliction.
And be so thankful that this relationship will not progress further.
Post # 3
And get this book. It will shed a lot of light on your situation and will make you feel like you aren’t crazy.
Post # 4
You are losing your mind because he is a manipulative and abusive asshole. Don’t wait for an apartment. Find a monthly Airbnb and get out immediately. Then find a therapist.
Post # 5
motogal : I started going to therapy last week. I feel like once a week sessions is not enough lol. I feel like a shell of a body. Thank you for the book recommendation. I will definitely grab a copy.
Post # 6
zl27 : I know thank you. <3
Post # 7
ziglierie1 : I recommend The Nice Girl Syndrome. Focus on bettering yourself instead of understanding his fucked up mind.
Post # 8
You dodged a major bullet, Bee. You’re much better off without this man. It’s a game for him– leaving and coming back, keeping you interested and on the hook.
I second the Lundy Bancroft book. It will open your eyes to the patterns you were experiencing and give you a better idea of how to heal. Knowledge helps when processing the end of an abusive relationship.
Frankly, it’s insulting that he would treat you the way he did. Talking to everyone but you about his unhappiness? Booking tickets to get to your wedding even though he was only taking you to Costa Rica to be “nice”. Eff that.
Move on for good. Block him on everything and don’t give him an opening to come crawling back again.
Post # 9
He has done you such a huge favor in calling off the wedding–thank him, get the hell out of there, stick with therapy and don’t look back. With the right man the highs may not seem so high but you won’t have those lows. There is a lot to be said for a steady, constant love. The world is crazy enough without inviting crazy into your life.
Post # 10
ziglierie1 : Look,
it happens. We all make mistakes and get wrapped up in the wrong guy. I certainly have had my share of opportunities in the past where i (wrongly) chose to go back. I am not going to sugar coat this..
re-read your own post. Does that sound like a happy healthy relationship AT ALL? He broke up with you what? 5 times in 2 years? And talked to other women (that you know of) on two separate occassions?
Lets not ignore the HUGE red flag of when he became enraged because you went to sleep a little early. Theres red flags all over this post. The guy does not seem stable. People who are SO charming in between fights are manipulating. And you are letting him manipulate you into feeling bad. He should feel bad.
I am glad you are in therapy, i would REALLY suggest moving out anyway you can. Stay with friend or family? Rent a room until you can get yoiur own place? He is gonna pull you right back in as he has every other time, when he suddenly feels like being nice again.
Post # 11
bouviebee : I wish I just saw sooner and just did not get so wrapped up in his charm. It would have saved me a lot of stress, humiliation, and I could have at least saved some of my confidence.
Post # 12
L606 : Ive read it over a million times and I just keep thinking… What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Me. I am looking at him right now just glued to his phone, im sure texting his next victim as I type this in disgust. I will be out of here soon.
Post # 13
Oh bee, I’m so sorry for what you are dealing with. And to be clear, what you are dealing with is emotional and verbal abuse. This guy is scary, and you do not deserve this. The only mistake you made was to get involved with him in the first place. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have resulted in a different outcome.
You say in your OP that you still want to be with him. I am begging you, no matter what he says or does, no matter how sweet or sincere he appears, do not try to mend this relationship. I promise you, he will not change.
Please take care of yourself. Continue with your therapy. Increase sessions to a couple times a week if you can. And get yourself out immediately, even if it’s not ideal.
Post # 14
Bee, you were in an abusive relationship. I hope you’ll come to realize that after more therapy. Thank GOD he broke it off or it would’ve gotten worse and worse, and those “great times” in between the abuse would’ve gotten shorter and shorter. I know it hurts now, but eventually you’ll meet a non-abusive, non-piece-of-shit man, and then you’ll be able to see easily that this man is terrible.
Post # 15
You’re not dumb, you’re an addict. You are addicted to this man the way some people are addicted to drugs. The only thing you can do is stop seeing him and stop talking to him. Every time you do that you reset your healing and have to start over.
I could tell you he’s not good for you, but you wouldn’t care, you just want him. But just as people do dumb or dangerous stuff on drugs and alcohol, you’re making bad decisions while you’re still hooked to him. He is not going to marry you, he will always pull away. Look at his track record! Like it or not you’re not what he envisions for himself. Do the smart thing and just ignore/block this guy.