Post # 16
You absolutely dodge a massive bullet. I was with a guy like this, and married him. It only got worse. I wasted 15 years of my life with him. Emotionally/verbally abusive men are all the same – it’s like there’s some secret handbook out there because they do and say the same things.
Do not EVER go back to him, no matter how he acts or what he promises. NEVER.
I’m so glad you’re getting therapy, and definitely read that book. Another good one is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. That is the book that finally saved me.
Post # 17
ziglierie1 : Its a good sign you feel like this. It means you are seeing clearly.
Dont beat yourself up about it. Its what these guys do. It doesnt mean you are dumb or naive, it means this guy was especially good at what he does.
Post # 18
Sociopaths are generally very charming, and incredibly good at making the people who they get to trust and love them to feel crazy/self-loathing when the shit hits the fan. Taking on blame is a very common way survivors of abuse attempt to take back control, it’s part of the recovery process, and you can work through it, move on to feeling furious at him, eventually accept the situation for what it is and gradually let it go. I know that probably seems impossible right now, but I promise you it isn’t. The crucial part is that you’re free now 🙂 .
Post # 19
ziglierie1 : day it with me: what a loser. The only thing he did right was breaking up. Thank goodness for that, I don’t know what I was thinking.
Seriously, you dodged a nuclear bomb. Maybe not how you anticipated but it’s dodged and you’re doing just fine. You are going to look back one day and be so very happy that it turned out like this. Never, ever take him back no matter how he grovels, because he will.
Post # 20
You say you’re still living with him. Please be careful when you actually go to move out. Have someone with you. You can never be too careful.
If you look at the big picture, this relationship is very toxic and has clearly taken a huge toll on you. Bee, a good relationship will be easy and you will feel happy and stable with the right person! You won’t go through this roller coaster when you’re in a healthy relationship.
This man has broken up with you many times just to suck you back in. Just remember that when you are having moments of weakness and temptation to take him back- remember this relationship is a toxic, vicious cycle of on-again, off-again, highs and extreme lows. These kinds of relationships never end well and you’re smart to get out now for good, especially because of his abusive nature.
Please be safe. I’m glad to see that you’re in therapy. You got this!
Post # 21
Post # 22
My last ex would do this to me, say things like lets break up, and then i love you im so sorry and then cry for me to come back. i was on an emotional rollercoaster, and i grew massively depressed and unhappy. What others have said is 100% correct. please dont do what i did, and act like your stronger and everything is a breakup. I mentally crashed 3 months post breakup and was incrediably depressed until i got help. I cried almost everyday. I hope you get therapy or something because it sneaks up on you. please leave him asap
Post # 23
I have dated a guy who blame this or that on me, it was short period and we never be together. But one thing I realize from that is never question your worth and never ask what I did wrong to yourself. It’s not you, it’s him. To be honest, I’m happy for you to get rid of this man from your life. He will bring a lot more worse. Seek out for therapy and look forward to what’s new to come.
Post # 24
I am old enough now to have seen this relationship play out with people I know. Even my sister…it doesn’t end well. Everyday you spend thinking about him, you can be working on yourself and opening up yourself up to the person you are supposed to be with. As long as you are in the same living space, it will be impossible.
If he has family, ask him to leave until you can go or find some way to stay with a friend. The healing can’t start because he is like a band aid that keeps getting pulled off over and over so the wound can’t heal. There is something to the saying, ‘out of site, out of mind’. It takes time but a divorce and trying to work through that is so much harder than some unrefundable wedding tickets.
Post # 25
Thank you all so much for the kind words and support. Reading through your comments really helps me see clearly and stay strong through all of this. Sometimes I have this lense on which makes it hard to see whats really infront of me. I have downloaded all of the book suggestions and began listening to them this morning. <3 you all are a great support system.
Post # 26
You are NOT being dumb! People like him suck you into a relationship – everything is wonderful at first. So that’s how you think of that person. And then when the bad side comes out, it’s not always constant, so it’s easy to forgive and forget. They get you sucked into a terrible roller coaster of emotions and adrenaline. And you want things to work. You love them. And you’re ashamed – what if they’re right, and you’re lazy? Or not pretty enough? Or smart enough? Good enough? What are you going to tell your family? So you don’t say anything and you stick around, because most of the time he’s such a nice guy. But really he’s not. He’s a terrible, emotionally abusive person who is yanking your chain and wasting your time.
I dated someone like this – there is life after a situation like this! But you have to get out. It took me a year of therapy while in the relationship to finally come to the conclusion that I DESERVED more. And you do too. So I hope you really do move out and move on. Because it’s not going to get any better. Feel free to message me if you need someone to chat with.
Post # 27
ziglierie1 : He is a narcissist. They live off charming others, meanwhile abusing you. They make you THINK you need their love.
Please use this experience as a huge lesson: avoid these type of people like the plague and take what’s left of your self worth and learn to love yourself first from now on.
Post # 28
Woooowwwww. First of all, you aren’t dumb. I know that’s hard to believe coming from strangers, but let me explain.
To me, it’s clear that what is going on is that he’s always looking for something better. I actually think that most of your problems stem from other women. Let’s go back.
– He broke up with you a month in. Obviously he was more interested in another woman. When that didn’t work out, he came back to you. That’s not really problematic, it happens sometimes when you are just getting to know people.
– A year later you caught him sexting other women. I highly doubt that was the only time. I wouldn’t be suprised if your previous breakup (who the hell breaks up with someone because they go to bed early???) was caused by his interest in another woman
– Then you find out he’s flirting with other women. Again.
– A month later he ends things. Probably because of the other woman. But blames you so he can feel good.
Look, he’s a charming guy and he benefited by having you around. You cooked and cleaned for him. He was obviously able to have the freedom to basically cheat on you without too many questions. So he wasn’t going to leave the relationship while everything was so comfortable for him. I’m guessing he’s only leaving now because there’s another woman and that’s the catalyst. I highly doubt he’s suddenly had an epiphany that you guys aren’t good together. I’m thinking he’s telling his family that so when he shows up with another woman they don’t think she’s the reason. The point is, he is and has been actively manipulating you this entire time. You never stood a chance.
This man is a liar, a cheat, sexist, and is constantly critical of you. Then he turns it around and tells you that YOU weren’t good enough? Please. He’s trying to convince everyone that he’s the good guy here but he isn’t. Try to see him for what he is – an awful person who manipulates others into thinking he’s a good guy instead of just BEING a good guy – and don’t believe the false narrative he has tried to put on you.
You want to be with him because he has fooled you into thinking things were good even when they weren’t. You’ve been in this like reading a book with only half the pages visible. You were only getting half the story. Even now, he’s trying to manipulate you so that he is free to be single and date other women but then he keeps you on the line with maybes in case the other women don’t work out.
If you married this man, you would have ended up divorcing. He would have continued to cheat and either left you for someone else or you would become so fed up that you would leave yourself. This is a blessing. Get out of this apt and away from this man. Please don’t let him manipulate you anymore.
Post # 29
Please don’t get sucked into thinking that this experience in any way needs to effect your self esteem. This guy doesn’t even see you. It has nothing to do with you personally because he doesn’t even really know or care who you are. He simply wanted a person to be his slave, to do what he wanted, he wanted someone to control. He doesn’t actually care about a woman’s personality, or who she is. So please don’t take this personally. He didn’t do this to you because of who you are. He would do this to any woman he dated. He didn’t end things because you aren’t good enough. He ended things because he wanted a woman with zero personality, who would do whatever he wanted whenever, and because he is deeply damaged and is desperately trying to find someone to validate him. He isnt’ aware that he is his own person who is responsible for himself and his own success and happiness. No one will satisfy him until he realizes that the goal of a relationship isn’t just to make him look good and give him whatever he wants with no effort on his part.
Just realize that this is a good lesson for you to learn, and that you will and can move on from this experience and have a better idea of what red flags are, how to see them, and how to pick better men next time. Focus on being the best person you can be, and do not let this guy get to you. Please move out and get away from him asap. We are here if you need encouragement.
Post # 30
Its just crazy. He would buy me things constantly and I would tell him its okay I will pay for it… then he would throw it in my face later telling me I do nothing for him and he buys me all of this stuff. When we went to Costa Rica he told me one drunk day that this was his treat for me and to put my card away. When we got back he yelled at me for not being a partner and participate in the cost. Its just such a mind fuck and he continuously would flip arguments onto me and say that I am to blame. Awhile back he nicely offered to pay for my phone monthly since we were getting married… but guess what… we had constant fights about that phone bill and how I dont pay for it… meanwhile i am to blame. (what?)