Post # 16
Also find a place asap to stay at cuz I’d bet his sneaky ass would kick you out on the streets with no place to go. Protect yourself, bee.
I also wanted to add I wrote out a long thing last night for you on my phone and it didnt post the comment. Your ex Fiance is a slimy, cowardly, jellyfish. He never protected you from the gross comments his family would make about you (he may have even engaged in them). He did not protect you from that, he didnt protect your heart when he smashed it, and now experts you to pay for the wedding *he* cancelled…move out, bee.
Post # 17
I would keep staying in the house and he should offer to move out. I mistakenly thought he was being fair to you until you mentioned he was being an ass about the wedding cancelations.
I would do what I want and tell him to pack up and leave.
Post # 18
Yeah booked honeymoon for the Maldives. :/
Post # 19
You should move out, or have him formally removed from the lease and the locks changed. Preferably, just move out.
Until you’re legally in a home of your own, you won’t be able to stop him from dropping by. No ex should be able to go and come as he pleases in your home. He’ll stop by for mail. He’ll stop by to search for a belonging. He’ll stop by to “check on the place” because he saw you were away on facebook. He’ll stop by because blah blah blah. You can GUARANTEE that if you start seeing someone new (or his current/ next side chick flames out), he’ll be back and trying to “work on things”. He wanted out. Lock the door behind him.
If you want advice on practical things to do after breaking up with a domestic partner, many of the bees (myself included), have been down this road.
Post # 20
Did you move in with him? I thought I read on your previous post that you moved into his apartment.
Post # 21
I moved in with him but when we renewed the lease, I was added to it.
Post # 22
He’s refusing to pay for the cancellation costs? Nah, fuck that.
I understand that you are a kind and good person and not the type to clean out a shared bank account or screw someone over despite how bad they hurt you, and that is absolutely commendable!
I’m not going to suggest that you set your morals aside here, however, I do think it is absolutely fair and morally neutral to do whatever is within your power to break even on the wedding costs. That means deducting the amount you personally lost on the wedding from whatever you “owe” him for your car and, if after doing so there remains a balance, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to remove that remaining amount from the joint account.
He’s the one who created this situation and it is ridiculous for him to expect you to bear the brunt of the financial hit. Don’t feel bad AT ALL about recouping your costs.
Post # 23
As for the apartment, I think in your situation I would prefer to move.
From an here emotional standpoint, there are too many painful memories and emotions attached to that apartment and I would want to be out of there.
From a practical standpoint, moving out means you can just find a place that suits you and move in there at your convenience, rather than having to time it to your current lease, and you can avoid the headaches of him invading your space at his leisure and convenience – moving his stuff piecemeal and on his schedule, fighting about whether he should be paying any of the rent and how much while his stuff is still there.
I just would not want to deal with any of that BS and at least if you’re the one to move, you’re in control and can move at your pace, work within your budget, and prioritize your needs.
Post # 24
I agree. This is my emotions speaking, but if I were OP I would remove my portion from the bank account and take out the equivalent of the wedding cancellation amount if he has that in the bank.
The upheaval of OPs life is 100% his fault. So I’d let him pay for 100% of his fuck-up.
When I called everybody to tell them of the cancellation I’d waste no time explaining that he suddenly backed out.
I would probably pack a bag and go stay with a friend or family member immediately and work on removing everything that was jointly owned or operated and id contact the apartment to talk to them about getting out of the lease. I agree with you that I wouldn’t want to stay there either.
I’d block him ASAP.
im so sorry bee. Please get angry. This guy is complete scum and I’d be ruthless
Post # 25
There is enough money (his money) to cover just under half of the amount I lost on cancelations. We also have individual accounts so most of his money is in his own account. The joint account is only to cover our joint expenses, bills, and lease. He has not taken out his funds from the joint account yet but I would feel pretty awful taking it all out.
Post # 26
you should consult with a lawyer and see what the legal ramifications would be if you drained the account. you would “feel awful”? Does he “feel awful” for allowing you to spend *your* money on a wedding in which he KNEW he wouldn’t be participating? does he “feel awful” for refusing to pay you half of the shared expenses incurred from paying for said wedding? unlikely so.
Post # 27
I’ll say it again: he’s not paying for the cancellation. First of all, fuck that. He’s going to pay or his life will become quite miserable. But I’d take the money out of his share of the joint account. Good grief bee, it’s like you’re volunteering to be the patsy here.
Post # 28
you’d have nothing to feel awful about. That’s what I’m trying to say.
I’m not suggesting that you get all vindictive and take your anger out by hurting him back. I would never recommend that approach because that kind of anger is poison and isn’t conducive to healing.
But you’re being far too passive and taking on far too much of the fallout of this whole situation. It isn’t right and it isn’t fair. He is the one who unilaterally chose to upend your life with no warning. It simply isn’t reasonable for you to be the one stuck paying the bill for that.
I’m not suggesting you take everything you can from him. I’m just saying that if you are able to walk away from this without taking a financial loss, do it. T
There is nothing wrong with looking out for your own best interest, especially when the alternative quite literally prioritizes the selfish interests of someone who has shown absolutely no consideration for your well being over your own basic needs.
This came out of no where for you. It most certainly didn’t for him. He has had all the time in the world to get his finances in order and plan for his future. You, on the other hand, have had the rug pulled right out from underneath you and haven’t had a chance to even catch your breath, let alone get yourself back on stable ground.
You need financial security right now and you deserve it. There is no good reason why you should further jeopardize your stability by taking a loss on something that wasn’t your decision. That doesn’t make you a kind or good person, it makes you a doormat. He has already stomped all over your feelings and your plans for life. You don’t need to let him stomp all over your finances too.
Post # 29
If he has almost enough to cover for half the cancellation then use it towards those and nothing else. Keep all the documents for it, he can take you small claims if he has a freaking problem with it! He called it off and the least he can do is cover his portion. It is a joint account and he can basically go kick rocks about you cleaning it out because techinally you have a legal right to do so.
Post # 30
darksideofthemoon : The joint account is only to cover our joint expenses, bills, and lease.
An argument could be made that the cancellation fees are a joint expense and you are well within your rights to remove the funds to pay them. I do not see this as punitive AT ALL.
If you did not have an agreement that you would pay him back for the car, then consider it a gift, entirely separate from the cancellation fees.