Post # 31
I find it incredibly concerning that throughout this and your original thread you have consistently spoke about how hurt and confused you feel but you have not once referenced any ANGER.
There are times in life when anger is both justified and appropriate. This is one of them.
I don’t mean you should stoke your own anger and stew in it and plot some kind of petty revenge. Not at all. But if you truly don’t feel any anger about this at all, that just doesn’t seem healthy to me. It makes it seem like you actually think you deserve to be treated this way. Do you?
Any reasonable, emotionally mature person would be angry in your situation. They certainly wouldn’t be so passive about it. Someone who spent the last two(?) years claiming to love you and making serious commitments to a future with you has just thrown your entire life into disarray without any warning and without any care or consideration for how it affects you. And here you are worrying more about making sure he doesn’t have to face any consequences for his choices than you are about padding your own fall. Why?
Why are you ok with him saying he won’t pay you back for the losses on the wedding?
Why are you ok with him deciding when and how and who will move?
Why are you ok with him dictating every aspect of this breakup after he already dictated every aspect of the relationship?
When he decided postpone and couldn’t be bothered to help you understand and make a plan to move forward, you just sat there passively feeling sad and confused while he decided how much you deserved to know. Why?
When he decided to postpone instead of canceling, you just sat there feeling sad and confused and hoping he’d decide to marry you after all instead of demanding answers and a seat at the decision making table. Why?
And now, when he decided to cancel the wedding and end the relationship, you’re just sitting here sad and confused and accepting his decision to let the financial burden fall on you. Why?
Why do you keep allowing him to make all of the choices and reap none of the consequences? Why are you being so fucking passive about this?! It’s legitimately infuriating!
Post # 32
I think she’s just in shock and still processing, and there’s probably a very large part of her brain that is hoping he’ll change his mind and somehow this whole mess will go away. This just happened yesterday right? I am sure the anger will come…
Post # 33
yes,agree. I think that may be her general personality which is why he was able to pull this off so long. I said back months ago in her old thread that I wondered if the family knew something was up… clearly we know know they did.
Also think OP is holding out hope that despite everything, it is still going to somehow work out… His keeping her in the dark fosters that hope and keeps her playing “nice”. …for *his* benefit.
OP, we’re here for you. Well help you be strong dealing with him.. Let us know how it goes tonight.
Post # 34
she said earlier that she was pissed that he was “postponing” without having any decent reason why
Post # 35
Who is on the vendor contracts being canceled? Both of you or just you? If it is both of you then you are both responsible and should not feel badly about being fairly compensated. If it is just you, while him reimbursing you may be the moral thing for him to do (especially given he is the one who called off the wedding), you may not have a legal justification for it. That is where a lawyer would be to your benefit to parse that out.
And your car and his paying for the honeymoon are completely separate issues from the wedding vendors. Unless you had a contractual agreement that he would pay for the car in lieu of paying wedding vendors, the two things are unrelated. And him paying for the Maldives trip isn’t the equivalent to you paying for the wedding vendors because he can still go to the Maldives as planned – it’s just plane tickets and hotel reservations that could have been made even without a wedding. And he probably will still go with whoever he is currently shacking up with.
Post # 36
I think she’s part hoping he’ll come back. She keeps saying he moved out temporarily, etc.
Post # 37
sboom : I made the mistake of saying a poster might be troll because she just wasn’t displaying any anger over the situation, which would have been totally understandable and appropriate. Im still ashamed about that because she wasn’t a troll, she was just processing things differently than I would. Incredibly short-sighted of me and I apologized.
My point is that you and I may turn to anger (maybe because I’m an East coaster, life is fast here and people become impatient much more easily) as our first impulse but there are some people I’ve seen who come to anger much later down the line. As long as you deal with it in a healthy fashion it’s ok. It turns out swearing is healthy lol.
Post # 38
I certainly don’t mean that there is only one way to process something like this and it’s MY way. But I find it genuinely concerning how passive she has been throughout this entire situation. It doesn’t seem right or healthy.
It seems like she doesn’t value herself and thinks it is acceptable for him to determine what she gets, emotionally and financially, based entirely on what is best for him because she doesn’t matter. I hope I’m wrong about that but that’s how it comes off to me. Like she doesn’t think she matters enough to warrant any consideration or kindness but that it would be unacceptable for her to withhold any kindness from him because he, despite everything he’s put her through, *does* matter.
Post # 39
I totally agree with you and I know you didnt mean there’s only one way to process a calamity like this. Your advice was very good. I do think that the OP is way too passive and agreeable, but that may change over time and experience. My guess is that it’s a new thing for her to put more (or even as much) emphasis on her own needs as opposed to his.
OP, it’s time to think of yourself, for yourself. You don’t have to sit by and watch him not pay for the cancellation fees and just suck it up because he bought you a piece of a car. Never mind what he’s doing or what he did. It’s of no consequence now. He’s no longer in your life. You need to get yours and you need to watch your back.
Post # 40
It’s not that I’m not angry. But yes, more than anything, I’m upset and just confused that he dragged everything and lied about wanting to postpone when he didn’t want to get married. And I just cannot understand how somebody who was dumped by his fiancée before the wedding can then go around and do the exact same thing to somebody else, when he knows how much it hurts and how much embarrassment it causes.
Post # 41
I usually avoid being fueled by the idea of revenge, but in your case it’s called getting even and you should probably get into that mindset a little because otherwise this guy will walk all over you. Bee, he treated you like shit, make him pay. Taking your share does not make you a bad person, it makes it fair.
Post # 42
There’s no agreement for the car. I don’t think he’s expecting me to pay for it but he might change his mind. We were planning to combine finances fully after getting married but we had that conversation way before he made excuses to postpone the wedding and complained about us not having anything in common and only eating out and watching movies together.
Post # 43
change all your passwords to single use and use two-step verification wherever they offer it. Get Lastpass to generate and store the unique passwords.
Post # 44
Drain that joint bank account now. Paying off a wedding HE called off is a joint expense. I
Post # 45
If he is on the contracts (which most vendors require in my experience), I would take his portion of the deposits out of the account. And then I would go see an attorney. If you were wrong, you can just put it back.
Do it now.
Eta: and go put that ring in a safe place like your parents’ house. Do not give it back until he has paid you all that he owes including 50% of the lease payments through lease expiration.