(Closed) Fiance called off wedding and broke up

posted 1 month ago in Emotional
Post # 721
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee

darksideofthemoon :  I totally get you. It was a long, long time…longer than I care to admit, before I realized I wouldn’t take my ex back. I’m talking years and years. 

The issue you have, and the issue I had, was that the relationship seemed just fine. If there had been fighting, if there had been distance…but everything seemed great until one day, it wasn’t. The problem is that it was great for YOU, but he was hiding how he really felt and manipulating the situation so that you wouldn’t discover what he was up to. Once he got the balls to call everything off he could stop pretending. I think that’s part of why he became so vicious. He probably had to do a fair amount of lying and pretending, and now that it’s all over he can’t bear to be anywhere near that situation again. 

I know you think he was great, but believe me he wasn’t. The situation with his family was weird. His reaction to it was weird. His inability to communicate with you and give you a straight answer was downright weird and disrespectful, and I was actually pretty angry on your behalf. Like I remember telling my husband about it and I was majorly pissed about how you weren’t getting an answer and how crappy that was, and my husband thought the guy was being an asshole. I bet that situation wasn’t a one-off and there were more problems that you haven’t quite realized just yet, but you will in hindsight. 

You ex’s mother said she thought you weren’t very bright. I think she’s wrong as you sound pretty intelligent to me, but I wonder if she picked up on a certain naivety and perhaps some confidence issues. It seems to me that there were issues that you just weren’t picking up on, and I think that your ex’s family WAS picking up on it because they knew him so well. 

Post # 722
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

For the record, I’m firmly in “OP, see a therapist” camp.  Seeing a therapist does not mean you’re broken, that you’re irrational, or that anything is WRONG with you.  Advising someone to speak to a therapist isn’t a slight against their character, intelligence or behavior. 

If you walked over broken glass, it would be smart to have your feet looked at.  If someone shot you with an arrow, it makes sense to check on how the wound is healing.  Going through a traumatic, shitty experience is hard.  Sure, OP might be fine on her own.  I’ve never met a single person who goes through the level of betrayal OP has gone through without being hurt by it. And FFS, we’re smack in the middle of family holidays, soon to be followed by Valentine’s Day.  That shit sucks.

Having a professional to talk to is going to be a lot more healthy than trying to work through it with friends and family alone.  Friends and family love you, but they will be processing their own anger and annoyance.  If OP doesn’t feel comfortable disclosing all of the details of the relationship, it’s also highly likely that their advice will be based on a skimpy picture that doesn’t line up with reality.  

Even if the therapist just provides a check to say “you’re doing really well”, it’s better than not having a therapist at all and falling into the dark days that always follow these kinds of breakups. 

I wish more people saw therapy as a proactive way to manage the emotions that come with difficult changes/ situations and less of a scarlet letter.  The world would be a lot healthier.

Post # 723
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee

coffeecakez :  I am too. I wish I would have seen someone after my breakup. I’m planning on finding a therapist soon for family-related issues and I guarantee we are going to have to touch on past relationship issues too. :/

OP, I know it can be difficult to wrap your head around getting therapy but it will probably help you so much. 

Post # 724
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee

sunburn :  I agree. When the rug is pulled out from under you and you realize that part of how you saw your world (for years maybe?) was very false, it’s very disorienting even if you’ve got great self esteem.  It’s very normal to sort of emotionally oscillate all over the place as you adjust to your new reality. I also had a relationship once go from amazing to shit very very quickly, and I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare waiting to wake up for a long time because reality was so disorienting. It’s okay to have feelings of wanting to go back to life before you found yourself in a nightmare. Its just important to recognize that those feelings are based on a yearning for something that doesn’t exist and to not act on them. 

Post # 726
Member
40 posts
Newbee

MissClaudiaCaswell :  You’re making her sound like some crazy unhinged woman. None of what she’s saying or doing is that unusual for someone who was betrayed and treated like crap only a few days ago.

Post # 727
Member
3473 posts
Sugar bee

 OP, I think it is time to close this thread. It’s not healthy for you.

Post # 734
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

I am very glad he paid up and you can be rid of him. I do recommend blocking him however- I wish I had taken that advice after past relationships ended. I’m hot headed and emotional and used to use alcohol to drown my sorrows which always ended up with me drunk dialing/texting which did nothing but make me feel ashamed in the morning. I am also glad that you’re with your family. I hope you also have some close friends you can turn to if you’re not comfortable telling all the details to your family. I will say regarding therapy- it took me YEARS to go. Once I did- just verbalizing the way things went in my past relationships… It made me realize they were abusive- also, the therapist had to point out HOW certain things were abusive. I never even saw things that way, I just knew that I had held on to those hurtful things and carried them with me in my emotional baggage into each new relationship and then unloaded all that shit into the next awful situation and repeated the process, only gaining new insecurities and traumas to pack up the next time things didn’t work out. Only now that I am in a safe relationship did I understand that I don’t want those things to affect me anymore, my current partner deserves the best version of myself I have to give- free of all the opinions and put downs and demoralizing shit those other guys put on me over the years.

 

All of that said- for now, just try to relax. Or go out and dance or whatever self care looks like for you. You should do plenty of fun/relaxing/self care activities right now, and luckily you’ll be surrounded by loved ones for the holidays (I hope so anyway). I hope that you come back down the line with a great update. This douche canoe did you a favor, leaving you now before came to marriage. It doesn’t feel or seem like it now, but your future is waiting for you and it’s going to be more than you ever imagined. Believe in yourself, and give yourself some time to heal. You’ll be okay.

Post # 735
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

darksideofthemoon :  He’s being so horrible now because everytime he hears from you, it’s a reminder of how poorly both he and his family have treated you.  And he doesn’t want to be reminded – he wants to be off enjoying his new/old relationship … heck, he wants to act as if you never existed.   That’s why he chose not to stay in the apartment that was originally his… in his eyes it had been ‘tainted’ by the fact he’d lived there with you.  Trying to get you to pay 30% is more than likely because either his family (who will also be wanting to pretend he’s done nothing wrong) or his new/old girlfriend is giving him grief about the cost of breaking the lease.

I hope now that the financial crap is settled you will not contact him again.  When I divorced my husband, he was talking about how we could still talk, be friendly, check in with each other.  I made the mistake of calling him about 3 weeks after the financial settlement…he spoke to me like I was something he’d scrapped off the bottom of his shoe.  That was 26 years ago…I’ve never seen or spoken to him since.

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