- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
My ex and I dated since my freshman year, and his sophmore year in high school. We fell quickly in love, and had a serious relationship right from the start. With in a year we were talking of getting married after college, and it just always seemed our natural progression of the relationship. I graduated a year early and started college with him so we could finish together. This was our second year of college, and we had fully planned on getting engaged a couple of years before the marriage to give us and my parents time to pay for the big wedding we wanted. At this point we have been together for 4 years, and marriage was just always a given for us. We both talked all last year about getting engaged and he told me he was saving for the ring, and he was so excited to start our life. He finally proposed in November when he took me out for my birthday, and it was the most wonderful thing ever. This sounds like happy ever after, but then it all changed. Now to fill in the other details in this mess.
For starters I have to mention that I have a serious autoimmune disease. I have had it since I was a child. I have gone through many terrible times with this disease, and came close to dying a few times. My ex had always been extremely understanding about this, which was huge. Right after we met when he was only 16, my disease got very bad. He would come to the hospital with me while I got chemo and crawl in my hospital bed and hold my hand through it. He has been there through everything I went through always supoorting me, and he was hardly more than a kid dealing with this in the beginning. This is a big part of why our relationship is so serious and why this is all so hard. About 2 years into our relationship while still in highschool I developed blood clots all over my body with a very large one above my heart, and one below my brain. We were not sure I would survive, and for a year I was very ill and continued to get blood clots, which at any moment could have instantly killed me. This of course is very stressful ,and it played out in our realtionship. At times I am hard to deal with when I am stressed about being sick. And he is sometimes just not serious enough and that gets to me, I want him to be calm and serious when I am down and sick, and sometimes he just is always joking with me, and endless teasing at times when i just dont feel like it. We love each other very much and have been thorugh so much. We have taken about 2 breaks during our relationship and always wanted to work it out. Our problems are not huge but they are the kind that grate on your nerves. I am in remission now and am doing much better the past year and a half, but I still have left over pain issues from all the clots, which cause daily migraines which are horrible. He is mostly understanding but sometimes he is just a jerk and will crank up his radio,(knowing I am dying with my head) , or will fight with me for hours on end which leave me literally phycially ill from the stress, because he is so stubborn he wont let anything go. He is the type that thinks he is right about EVERYTHING, or an expert on any subject. It drives me crazy, and he will argue his point literally for days on end till the wee hours. His issues are, although he will get a degree, his “dream” is to be a pro fisherman. Whch to me is like saying he wants to be a rockstar. I have always had to be realistic and to chase some crazy dream makes no sense. I understand a man needs his hobby and space, but he is determined that this will be a career. This dream takes all his money, his time, and has come between us. We never see each other on weekends because he fishes tournaments every weekend, so literally we have gone out maybe 4 times in a year on a weekend. During the week he works and has school, and so our time is sitting at my house doing nothing because he is tired from fishing, and broke from the thousands of dollars he spends on it. We had big fights before getting engaged because I told him I did not want him to be gone every weekend once we married, nor would we have the money for it. He agreed to a 50/50 and we both said half the weekends at home and half fishing would work. I thought it was worked out. We got engaged and all was well. Now before we are married he fishes touraments every weekend year round which although im not crazy about I dont mind since we aren’t married yet. It was working fine. Then things came up and Then his mother butted in. My family was moving and i wanted him to help us move. Well of course he had a tournament and he would not cancel it to help, so this caused a huge fight. It also brought out the fishing fight again, and he now stated he wanted to be free to do this every weekend once we married. He drove me crazy arguing about this, and saying if I truly loved him I would support his “dream” and let him fish as much as he wants. Well I foolishly thought his mom would take my side and would talk some sense into him, and tell him there has to compromise for a successful marriage. i was always giving in to him, and just sick of it. Well she shocked me and said she thought I should give him ANOTHER 5-6 years to pursue his dream and put off the wedding. Well she told him not to marry me, that I wanted differnt things and was too close to my family and would let them interfere. (How funny is that when she is telling him this).Well he then went on this whole thing that he was afraid we werent compatible, and would not make each other happy. This went on for weeks, we had fight after fight over it all, and in the heat of a fight he spouted out he really hadn;t wanted to get engaged yet, and that he felt pressured into it.
Well that crushed me. He said he only really meant he had cold feet and really wanted to mary me, but I couldn’t get over he said that. He had a few days that he could still return my ring for a full refund, so I felt with so much being up in the air he should take it back. Of course I didn’t want him to, and kept hoping he would say, he would never do that. Well he jumped on it, and without much talk he took my ring back, and wanted us to break our engagement and let him get more comfortable with us getting married. He wanted us to stay together and go back to just dating until he felt more ready to be engaged. and oriningally I agreed. Then when we went to take the ring back i sat there bawling and when he took that ring and gave it back it just tore me in too. I couldn’t stay in it after that. I was so resentful that he had beaten me over the head, with letting him have his dreams that he would take away my dream with so little thought. I hated him for doing it too me, and I just couldn’t go back with him and take this big step back from engaged to boyfriend/girlfriend, and told him to give me time. Well he got very mad at me for going back on us staying together, and we agreed to not talk and try to let this all die down and see where things go. Well after a month I was feeling unsure about it all and was hoping he felt guilty about what he did so I texted him and he was still mad, and it ended up with us both being mad. He finally admitted he screwed up huge by breaking the engagement with so little thought, but said he didn’t know what to do. I got really mad at him being madat me for wanting a break, as this was his fault, and told him we would continue with a break and that I thought we should both date other people again to see if that would help us sort out us. Well he didn;t want to date anyone, but I got on an onlne dating site and talked with several new guys. It gave me something to do and helped get my mind off us. Alot of the guys I talked to were not for me, and I never would agree to go out with them, but I met someone that I talked with a lot and we have hit it off. We have talked for 3 weeks and have gone out a couple of times, about to go out again. Well I was trying to move on and see if anyone else compared with what we had. Well my ex texted me 3 dys ago at 4 in the morning with a long heartbreaking message about how wrong he was, and how he misses me and would give anything to be with me again. We talked alot the past 2 days, and he has told me he is ashamed of taking that ring back and how he handled everything. He asked if I was seeing anyone and I was honest and told him I was just starting to, and it has crushed him. He wrote again and begged me to start seeing him again. I just do’nt know what to do. I am still so very hurt by him calling off our enggagement and taking my ring away from me, like it was nothing. I just don’t know it it could work while I am still so angry at him over it all. Plus we have so many unresolved issues, like the fishing, and when will he want to get married(I will not wait forever), and another bigger issue is I can’t stand his mom for coming between us, and always only seeing what he wants as important, which is how they raised him and leads many of our issues. But having said all this I know he stood by my side and supported me while I was very sick, and that is huge, I know that men do not like to be the caregiver, and even told me if it was too hard for me to work he was planning on getting his masters to give our family the best chance so I would not have to work, (This is part of why he says he feels i should let him do what he wants with hobbies all the time). I know he loves me dearly he has always shown me that, but is love enough with these really big issues, and I really think I need to be over this more to give us a chance again, and I really do want to see if things are that differnt with somene else, or if it will eventually show me I need to stay with my ex. What would you do? It is so confusing.