Fiance cancelled plans with me for his family

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
372 posts
Helper bee

Yeah that’s crazy. How does that even out? You’re out money. He’s not. At the very least he should pay you back and be apologetic about the position he’s put you in.

Post # 17
579 posts
Busy bee

Pay attention to this behavior. It may *feel* insignificant in the grand scheme of things but it speaks volumes about his priorities. He really doesn’t see a problem? Yikes. 

Post # 18
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Serial posting to add: his first response should have been, “I already have plans for then, can we do it a different time.” If they couldn’t reschedule, he should’ve come to you and asked you if it was ok.

When you get married, your spouse and any children you have become your immediate family. That means that their needs and wants take priority over the needs and wants of extended family/friends. Right now your Fiance is acting like a son/brother first and a husband second. Make sure he understands that before you get married or you’re gonna have a lot of obstacles ahead of you.

Post # 19
1930 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This is not okay. A man should honor his word. This would have been as simple as your Fiance being upfront with his family when they invited him on the trip and saying, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t go. Plans and payments have already been made for another trip during those dates. If you can’t reschedule to accommodate me, I understand and will celebrate with brother at another time.”

That’s called being an adult. 

Post # 21
6645 posts
Bee Keeper

b2b2019 :  No, not okay, and he should definitely pay you back–right now the two of you are paying for three trips, the one you’re taking, the one he isn’t taking, and the one he is. Did his family even ask him if those dates worked for him? Did he tell them that he already had plans?

Post # 22
3734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

No, the fact that you paid his way for this trip, he’s now ditching you AND he hasn’t so much as apologized for it… I’d be furious! It’s one thing to say “Hey babe, I’m so sorry, I know we planned this but this is a really rare opportunity for me to go away with my family. Would you be OK if I went on that trip instead? I’ll reimburse you any money you’re out, I feel terrible bailing on our plans. How can I make it up to you?” But he didnt! He agreed to go and then took it back when a better option came along, leaving you to foot the bill. Your feelings are justified, in fact I’d be much more upset than you are right now.

Post # 23
3382 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

On the surface, it definitely is something that I think most people would be upset about, and like others have said your feelings are your feelings – they’re valid because they are real and they are not your choice to have or not have. It’s how you handle those feelings that can be justifiable or not. 

However, how you should best handle the issue does depend a lot on the details. 

For example, if your family trip is a fairly casual weekend at your parents’ cottage that you guys do every year, or you have gone to before and will have plenty of chances to do again, hut this trip with his family is more of a one-time thing to celebrate a milestone birthday, then I can understand his choice a bit more and would only really have an issue with it if he had made the decision without even running it by you first. 

Post # 24
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

You have all the right to be upset! I would be too! For me, the thing that would upset me the most, would be the fact that it seems that he just decided without telling you or asking you how it would make you feel. I can understand that maybe he wants to be with his family and it was bad timing/luck that the times coincided, but especially because you already have planned and paid everything, the right behavior should have been to consult with you first. It’s what I would do when I were in his situation and it’s what I would expect my husband to do as well. He should realize that it his behavior is not ok and that next time he should talk with you about it first.

Post # 25
6149 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It sounds like it’s primarily poor communication. But also, he’s casual about canceling because he didn’t pay for the trip so he’s not missing out. I would require him to reimburse you and not pay his way for trips in the future.

Post # 26
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

sboom :  I agree, I think the trip locations do play a part in this. But for the record, I’d be furious if they were both say “tropical all inclusive vacations” but if yours was a cabin weekend and his family is going to mexico, I can understand a bit more, but still would expect him to take some accountability and maybe feel a bit bad for it at least!

Post # 27
1560 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be annoyed and embarrassed too, my family wouldn’t be impressed if he bailed on a family holiday. 

Post # 28
1260 posts
Bumble bee

Uhhh ruuuude! Forget about being your fiancé, he made a commitment to do something, money was spent, things were paid for, and he just pulls out without so much as an apology… riiiight… talk about being selfish (cos it wasn’t his money) and not being trustworthy. I’d be worried how he survives in this world if his words mean so little.

Post # 29
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

This is a red flag for me seriously.  He already made commitments with you and you already paid and he feels it’s ok to just bail with no apology? nonono good look in your marriage because something tells me you will always be second fiddle to his family.  I know for a fact my husband would’ve said “Ohh man, me and Midgy86 are already going on a trip around that time, can you change the date? no? oh well have fun!”  I share the same sentiments as the above posters – this would leave a very sour taste in me and my familys mouth. 

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