(Closed) Fiance can't marry me atm

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Canal St Inn

@esplanfreedom:  If I was constantly fighting with my Fiance I’d want to work that out before a proposal, and I know from personal experience. And as someone who grew up in a very loud household, I wouldn’t want a child exposed to constant fighting either. I think you’re doing the right thing by seeing a counselor, and you should listen. You can’t make someone want to marry you, that has to be within him already. If he’s being honest with you, then he wants to marry you and you need to find a way to communicate with each other to prevent a fight before it starts. Trust me, it’s hard, I still struggle sometimes, but if you’re going to make a life with someone, you need to learn when to surrender.

Here’s an article a WB blogger posted some time ago. I think it might help you some. I hope you guys can work through this.

Post # 4
432 posts
Helper bee

What do you guys fight about anything in particular?

Post # 5
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

If it is honestly how he feels-that he does want to get married, but wants to stop fighting first- it is total resonable for him to say that. Why enter into a marriage when you are already constantly fighting. What will happen during rough times?

If he is just saying that to push everything back, then I think you need to re-evaluate how long you are willing to wait.

Either way, continuing counceling sounds like a great idea at this point.

Post # 7
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Canal St Inn

Ah, I see. I don’t think evaluating a serious life decision is treating you like a doormat, although I totally see how it might feel that way, even if you feel he might be over-evaluating (“His need are met, he says he wants to marry me, why won’t he?”). Oscillating answers are aggravating and stressful, yes, but he has the right to question that decision. Marriage is srs bzns. I’m going to second Mrs.MeNow: figure out how long you’re willing to wait.

Post # 8
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Figure out how to stop fighting in counseling. Go see a therapist by yourself, that will help. Find out if he wants to keep working at this. If he does, keep going.

You should both be on your way to the courthouse or wedding before you even think of having a baby. You don’t want to have a baby with someone who wants to start a family but won’t marry you.

Post # 10
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If you want to put more time into the relationship and see if he’ll come around, I’d stop trying to bring up marriage with him and let things settle down.  If he does actually want to get married, he’ll probably be more comfortable with the idea after things have been calm for a while.


Post # 11
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@esplanfreedom:  Then you need to decide how long your willing to wait. I would set a timeline. Spell it out for him.

I want to be married by X date or X year and that means we have to start planning by X date. Tell him he has three months leading to that date to make a decision.  If he doesnt be prepared to walk

Then keep your mouth shut until the deadline.  Dont give him any reason to believe that you are arguing with him about it. Just go on as if it doesnt matter.

Firstly, marriage is a huge step. He may have wanted a longer engagement. He might have gotten freaked out about having a kid all of a sudden.

Also nagging someone to marry you is not productive to getting married. Marriage is an absolutely huge step for anyone considering that 5 in 10 marriages fail.

You want to be sure when you walk down that aisle that he has no doubts right?



Post # 13
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I kind of have to agree with your Fi, it’s one thing to have arguements which is normal. But to be constantly fighting with your spoue all the time is troubling. There is never a perfect time to get married or have children. But your Fi is showing apprehensive and rasing a valid point. However at a certain point he needs to make a choice, and you need to remember that you too have the right to make choices. He dosen’t get to keep you in limbo forever.

He telling you that he not ready to get ready now, and you now either need to decide if you think this relationship is worth waiting for, and fighting for. Trust your instincts and I do think if someome doesn’t want to marry you for whatever reason or excuses valid or not you need to take a long serious look at the relationship and really really consider if it’s a mistake.

Post # 15
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

This is such a heartbreaking post. 


This may be slightly repetative, but do you want to marry someone who is lukewarm about marrying you?

Post # 16
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I may have a different point of view…

I agree with your Fiance, not to get married because of the fighting.  And you said the fighting started because of you wanting to get married.  But when you thought you were pregnant, he was all for it. Until you werent.  

I think you need to quit it with the marriage business.  He may be feeling like you are trying to pressure him in to it.  Your councellor is right, you cant force someone to marry you, and IF he did marry you right now he will most likely resent you for it because he has no idea if he really wants to marry you or if he did it because you kept pressuring him to.

The fact that you were going to have a child tells me that your not extremely traditional, and that life doesnt HAVE to be marriage-babies- happily ever after.  You dont NEED to get married right now.  It would probably be nice, and fun, and all that stuff but what is the point of needing to get married right now.  Do you still love this man? Is he the one?  If so, then would you rather spend your life with him not married, than spend your life without him? Thats where it is headed….

If I were you I would take a break from anything wedding related.  In a year or 2, if things improve then bring it up again. 


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