Post # 1
My fiance and I got engaged a little over a year ago and have been fighting on and off for a couple of years. I’ve always felt deep down that he is reluctant to get married and not overly interested even though he continually says he wants to marry me. A couple of weeks ago he admitted he can’t marry me or start a family with me right now due to our fighting. I probed him for an answer because he had agreed to start a family about a month prior and when I found I wasn’t pregnant he said it’s probably good it didn’t happen right now because of our fighting. He tells me he still wants to marry me and plan a wedding but can’t marry me right now because he wants the fighting to stop wtf…..! With this latest information should I go? Otherwise I feel as if I’m working on a relationship that may not result in marriage if he isn’t ever happy with our level or amount of fighting. Although am I quitting if I go, as everyone has to work on their relationships to keep each other happy. We have been to counselling sessions recently and the counsellor keeps telling me you can’t make someone marry you!
Thanks for your help 🙂
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2013 - Canal St Inn
@esplanfreedom: If I was constantly fighting with my Fiance I’d want to work that out before a proposal, and I know from personal experience. And as someone who grew up in a very loud household, I wouldn’t want a child exposed to constant fighting either. I think you’re doing the right thing by seeing a counselor, and you should listen. You can’t make someone want to marry you, that has to be within him already. If he’s being honest with you, then he wants to marry you and you need to find a way to communicate with each other to prevent a fight before it starts. Trust me, it’s hard, I still struggle sometimes, but if you’re going to make a life with someone, you need to learn when to surrender.
Here’s an article a WB blogger posted some time ago. I think it might help you some. I hope you guys can work through this.
Post # 4
What do you guys fight about anything in particular?
Post # 5
If it is honestly how he feels-that he does want to get married, but wants to stop fighting first- it is total resonable for him to say that. Why enter into a marriage when you are already constantly fighting. What will happen during rough times?
If he is just saying that to push everything back, then I think you need to re-evaluate how long you are willing to wait.
Either way, continuing counceling sounds like a great idea at this point.
Post # 6
We originally started fighting because of his reluctance to get married. He was inconsistent e.g could get married and then he would come up with excuses why we couldn’t. I felt he was getting all of his needs met but I wasn’t getting the comittment of marriage so I guess I would fight with him to defend myself….to show him he couldn’t treat me like a doormat.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2013 - Canal St Inn
Ah, I see. I don’t think evaluating a serious life decision is treating you like a doormat, although I totally see how it might feel that way, even if you feel he might be over-evaluating (“His need are met, he says he wants to marry me, why won’t he?”). Oscillating answers are aggravating and stressful, yes, but he has the right to question that decision. Marriage is srs bzns. I’m going to second Mrs.MeNow: figure out how long you’re willing to wait.
Post # 8
Figure out how to stop fighting in counseling. Go see a therapist by yourself, that will help. Find out if he wants to keep working at this. If he does, keep going.
You should both be on your way to the courthouse or wedding before you even think of having a baby. You don’t want to have a baby with someone who wants to start a family but won’t marry you.
Post # 9
Thanks for your responses. I understand why he doesn’t want to go into a marriage fighting but I think he is also using it as another stalling tactic. This is the main reason we are fighting so it is a vicious circle! I agree he has the right to question his decision but when is enough enough? He has been putting up barriers for a while now and I just feel hurt and a lot of resentment that I don’t know how to let go of to move forward and stop fighting with him. We have gotten to name calling, sighing and rolling of the eyes sometimes, which shows a lack of respect and contempt. My Mum doesn’t think he will ever marry me and that it’s almost impossible to gain that respect back in a relationship. I am 33 and he is 40 so he should be ready by now if what he says is true – that I am the right person for him.
Post # 10
If you want to put more time into the relationship and see if he’ll come around, I’d stop trying to bring up marriage with him and let things settle down. If he does actually want to get married, he’ll probably be more comfortable with the idea after things have been calm for a while.
Post # 11
@esplanfreedom: Then you need to decide how long your willing to wait. I would set a timeline. Spell it out for him.
I want to be married by X date or X year and that means we have to start planning by X date. Tell him he has three months leading to that date to make a decision. If he doesnt be prepared to walk
Then keep your mouth shut until the deadline. Dont give him any reason to believe that you are arguing with him about it. Just go on as if it doesnt matter.
Firstly, marriage is a huge step. He may have wanted a longer engagement. He might have gotten freaked out about having a kid all of a sudden.
Also nagging someone to marry you is not productive to getting married. Marriage is an absolutely huge step for anyone considering that 5 in 10 marriages fail.
You want to be sure when you walk down that aisle that he has no doubts right?
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@TexasSpringBride: Well said.
Post # 13
I kind of have to agree with your Fi, it’s one thing to have arguements which is normal. But to be constantly fighting with your spoue all the time is troubling. There is never a perfect time to get married or have children. But your Fi is showing apprehensive and rasing a valid point. However at a certain point he needs to make a choice, and you need to remember that you too have the right to make choices. He dosen’t get to keep you in limbo forever.
He telling you that he not ready to get ready now, and you now either need to decide if you think this relationship is worth waiting for, and fighting for. Trust your instincts and I do think if someome doesn’t want to marry you for whatever reason or excuses valid or not you need to take a long serious look at the relationship and really really consider if it’s a mistake.
Post # 14
Thanks for your responses. I really don’t know what to do! He has never really brought up the topic of marriage or our wedding yet he will talk about it briefly when I initiate a discussion. He doesn’t seem to listen to me when I tell him this upsets me. He just says I do speak to you about it. But he never initiates a discussion and he wonders why we fight. Would you start to question your fiance’s intentions if they never brought up the topic of wedding/marriage, especially when you’re supposed to be getting married?
Post # 15
This is such a heartbreaking post.
This may be slightly repetative, but do you want to marry someone who is lukewarm about marrying you?
Post # 16
I may have a different point of view…
I agree with your Fiance, not to get married because of the fighting. And you said the fighting started because of you wanting to get married. But when you thought you were pregnant, he was all for it. Until you werent.
I think you need to quit it with the marriage business. He may be feeling like you are trying to pressure him in to it. Your councellor is right, you cant force someone to marry you, and IF he did marry you right now he will most likely resent you for it because he has no idea if he really wants to marry you or if he did it because you kept pressuring him to.
The fact that you were going to have a child tells me that your not extremely traditional, and that life doesnt HAVE to be marriage-babies- happily ever after. You dont NEED to get married right now. It would probably be nice, and fun, and all that stuff but what is the point of needing to get married right now. Do you still love this man? Is he the one? If so, then would you rather spend your life with him not married, than spend your life without him? Thats where it is headed….
If I were you I would take a break from anything wedding related. In a year or 2, if things improve then bring it up again.