(Closed) Fiance cheated advice needed :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

I would question if my Fiance truly loved me, and only me, if he was carrying on an entire relationship behind my back. I could never stay with him. I don’t think any of us here are really equipped to help you go down this road if you choose to stay. I think he would need counselling to determine what he truly wants and his reasons for cheating, you would need counselling to determine if you can live your life like this and to help you cope, and you would need couples counselling also to work out what went wrong and how you can move on together.

Post # 33
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Now after reading your last post (#27) you’ve got me even more worried, because it sounds to me like he wants to marry to secure his finances. (And then carry on cheating). Who’s name is the house in?

Post # 34
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Yes, I think you have something to be worried about.

He’s a cheater, and as far as cheating goes this was pretty bad. It wasn’t a one off drunken kiss, which would be bad enough, it was an ongoing emotional AND physical affair. Plus, he’s done this more than once.

I would be willing to bet he’ll do it again. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

Have you been to couples therapy at all? If you’ve decided to stay then I’d recommend doing that. I also think you should postpone the wedding. It’s only been a few months. Take your time getting over this!

You need to seriously consider this though- you’re not married yet. Do you want to marry someone who values you so little? I am a firm believer that you should never marry someone hoping they’ll change. Who he has been for the last 4 years is who you are marrying. This is what you can expect the next 4 years to be like. Are you ok with the next 4 years being the same as the last 4? That is a genuine question. The good may outweigh the bad. Or you may find that you’re marrying him in the hope that he’ll change his behaviour.

Post # 36
Member
11267 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lost2013:  i am sorry that you are going through this.  imo, if you have to ask, you already know the answer. 

you have 2 choices here.  you can choose to leave his cheating ass or you can choose to stay.

leaving will not be easy.  it will be emotionally draining and it may take a few months to get over him.  however, this will make you stronger and more confident in the long run.

if you stay, you will be enabling his poor behaviour yet again.  why would he change if you are basically accepting this?  you will have lack of trust for a very long time.

i believe that there are 3 cornerstones or pillars to a relationship; trust, respect and love.  these are what make up a solid foundation.  if one of those pillars are faulty or damaged in any way, your foundation is weakened and puts a strain on the other pillars. 

your trust is broken. 

can you really respect someone you don’t trust?  can you really love someone you don’t respect?  it is impossible to build a solid relationship on a weak foundation?

if you have any doubts, don’t get married.

Post # 37
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

I agree he has cheated on you more than once.  HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.  I would  leave right now.  You deserve better and there is someone good, and caring, and faithful waiting for you.  

Post # 38
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

OK, just checking. But still, the cheating alone is reason enough to leave him. This man doesn’t love you. A man who loved you wouldn’t do the things he did.

Post # 39
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
@lost2013: Yes people DO marry for money. I know it seems like he is the most amazing man but the story does not add up. He dumped you on a whim and then was able to convince you to come back to him. He sounds like a master manipulator. He relies on you for everything so that he can run around with anyone he pleases.

If you decide to stay with him you need to at least post-pone the wedding until he can prove his faithfulness. But I say that you need to leave. It’s so much easier to cancel a wedding than to get divorced. If you get divorced then he gets half of EVERYTHING. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was his plan. To get you to divorce him after the wedding when you “found out” about the cheating. Of course this plan was ruined. 

Post # 40
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Get a pre-nuptial that he gets NOTHING in the event he cheats during your marriage and if he were to file for divorce. That means he wouldn’t get anything but your love. I think that’s fair.

But otherwise, I hope your Fiance can be more transparent with you and acknowledge that trust is earned, not gained.

Post # 41
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@lost2013:  You want to stay with him. Given the information you put out, I can’t imagine anyone telling you what you want to hear…

You were afraid of having wasted time. So you’re settling for someone who can never genuinely cherish you. Now your gut is giving you one more chance to save yourself from a future with this sleazeball. Listen to it.

 

Post # 42
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
@Cynderbug:  The pre-nup is a GREAT idea. If he doesn’t agree to it then you know that he isn’t ready to show you how committed he is and this good boy act isn’t going to last.

Post # 43
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sorry, I don’t have time to read all the comments so this may just be the same thing already said BUT the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.  To me, it seems like he’s scared to be alone but can’t make a commitment to a woman either.  I know you love him; and maybe he will change.  I personally would not marry him, no way no how.  Postpone a year, see what has happened since then and go from there.

Post # 44
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@lost2013:  The fact that he seemed changed before, enough to propose and for you to accept it – and then cheated again? That says he doesn’t really want to be with you, or if he does its only because he wants someone to be there for him while he lusts after this unavailable woman. I would leave, but its your life. Decide now, don’t wait until after the wedding.

Post # 45
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I only skimmed the replies (I read your updates) so I’m probably repeating other’s advice, but I think it’s worth saying again anyway.

He has not given you any reason to trust him. Twice he cheated, and both times it didn’t end on his terms, and he didn’t tell you the truth on his terms. He never even made a decision to go back to you, that happened by default when the other relationships didn’t work out. He has made it pretty clear (he had her in your house!) that he has no respect for you.

If I were you I would run, fast! At the very least, do not marry this man until he has shown you he has changed. Coming clean because he was afraid the husband would tell you is not doing that. Pressuring you to hurry up and get married is not doing that. I would urge you not to stay with him, but if you’re not ready to leave him at least tell him you need some time to work on your relationship before getting married.

Post # 46
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

No, life it’s too short to be treated that way.

The topic ‘Fiance cheated advice needed :(’ is closed to new replies.

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