(Closed) Fiance cheated on me Friday night….

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I believe that no matter how intoxicated you get you still know what you’re doing on some level. You deserve so much better then that and I am so mad at your Fiance for doing this to you! I give him credit for telling you right away and being honest. Bottom line is whether you will be able to deal with this or not. Even if this is something that will never happen again, are you ok living the rest of your life knowing what he did and having it in the back of your mind? Take time for yourself to know what you will be happiest with. If you can forgive him and work through it then I hope all the happiness in the world for you. We are here for you.

Post # 93
Member
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

i am so sorry. everyone has given you such wonderful advice, and i wish i had something more to add. all i can do is echo what others have said, and let you know that this is ultimately nothing but a personal decision. i can’t place myself in your shoes, but if it was an isolated incident, i couldn’t picture myself leaving my Fiance. i know cheating is horrible and you must feel so broken, but it is probably unbearable to think about living life without the man you love so dearly. go get couples counseling. it sounds like something he is willing to do. see if there is a way you can figure it all out. push the wedding far, far off though. you need time to heal, and he needs time to learn and change.

best of wishes for you sweetie.

Post # 94
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can’t say anything but echo the wonderful words and advice the other girls have given you. I just wanted to add that I’m so very sorry you have to go through this.

I wholeheartedly agree with Lindsay, especially–it’s much easier to end an engagement than a marriage, and if it’s something you don’t think you’ll ever be able to forgive, or even *want* to forgive, you should end it now. I read your post earlier today, and have been thinking for hours about what I would do in a similar situation, and I still don’t have an answer. I don’t know if it’s something I’d ever be able to forgive, which is why this is a completely personal decision. 

Hugs, honey. 

Post # 95
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

You have received very sound advice from the rest of the hive and I only have my perspective to offer…

I am very sorry your Fiance has put you in this situation. However, I am relieved he told you and was upfront about his infidelity. It is important for you to fully understand that he has cheated. Internalize that. You repeat that he was drunk and he never drinks and you say he has no excuse, but it sounds as if being drunk is an asterisks to the betrayal. Yes, drinking can impair a person’s judgement, but to what degree?  

Having said that, one of my closest friend’s Fiance cheated on her 7 months before their wedding and was in a very similar situation. (He was drunk and hardly ever drinks. He told her immediately after it happened. Everyone thought he was a real stand-up guy and loved his personality and sense of humor.)

It was very hard for her to get through that time in her life. She confided in only a few people, but before you know it – the rumor-mill started and everyone knew within a few weeks. After that… everything changed. Her friends and family were protective of her and basically shunned the Fiance, which caused her to run to his defense. Then it became them against “us”. Family and friends started to talk behind her back about how weak and naive she was. As a result, she looked to her Fiance for support. Since they both needed each other for social survival, they never really hashed out their problems, concerns, etc. The actual incident and feelings were just “glossed” over and continue to plague their relationship. They have since been married and although she is happy 75% of the time, she has turned into what you fear you will become. That wife that doesn’t trust her husband and therefore won’t let him do anything.

From your post, it seems you are fully aware of how dire this situation actually is because once you tell one person (ONE) chances are that person can’t keep a secret like this to him/herself (very unfortunate).

My advice is this (and has been recommended by other bees): get tested, go to a therapist (alone) and then go as a couple. Go ASAP. Just start the process. Make an appointment today. I know therapists can be expensive and time-consuming, but in the long-run it may mean the difference between being happy and unhappy. Also (you probably know this already, but it needs to be said), he must be held accountable and responsible for his actions. However you see fit, hold him accountable. 

As for the wedding, would it be possible to postpone? Publicly, you could merely say “health issues” are the reason for the postponement (and yes that is true – the emotional health of your relationship is an issue). Privately, postponement doesn’t mean you won’t get married; that just means the wedding is pending. You both have to repair the damage he has caused before you can commit to marriage. And the damage may be more expensive than you think as most people cheat because something is wrong with the relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with you or between you two. There may be something wrong on his end as he may suffer from serious insecurities, fear of commitment, inferiority complex, childhood issues, etc… Alcohol is often a determinant for infidelity, not a catalyst. Please make sure you get to the root of the problem.

Well, I wish you all and only the best. Please take of yourself physically, emotional, and mentally. 

Post # 96
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ok..question.  I saw that a couple of people on here suggested he get tested.  Did he use protection? If so he couldnt have been that drunk.  I just know how that goes and chances are most of us here do too.

Ive been in your shoes…not engaged but once when I was 6 months pregnant and again(took him back) when my son was three months old.  I believed the excuses.  I was a sucker and then it happened yet again.  I felt like a fool.

Given the same situation happened to me now after having been through it before, I would walk away and never turn back.   I sincerely hope that my Dear Fiance never does anything like this, if he did, it would be over.  The trust would never be there and I would constantly be paranoid, like I was before.

If you need to talk, Im here.  I can only imagine what you are feeling right now.  I am so sorry you are going through this and I feel for you more than you will ever know.  My heart just dropped when I read the title of this thread. 

Post # 97
Member
5103 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@Dollygold: You took the words right out of my mouth. I’ve been in that exact spot as well.

@kryptonite77 I am so sorry this has happened. I swear my stomach is up in my throat when I think of how it feels to be betrayed in such a way. There are no words to make anything better, just know we bees are thinking of you, and whatever you decide is your decision. If you want to work things out, then go for it. If you decide after the fact that you just can’t get over it, that’s okay too. I JUST REALLY WANT TO SAY: don’t feel like whichever decision you choose to make is not reversible. His isn’t, yours can be. If “working it out” ultimately goes nowhere, be honest with yourself. Don’t stay for his sake, the relationship’s sake, or for what people might say or think.

Hope everything works out for you, one way or another. This is about you and your happiness.

(((hugs)))

Post # 98
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Okay, I’m sorry but I just have to say… IMO alcohol is never an excuse for cheating, ever. I don’t care how intoxicated somebody is, if they are conscious and physically able to have sex they are aware of what they’re doing in the moment. Yes alcohol can impair decisions, but it wouldn’t impair a person’s mind enough that they cannot stop themself from cheating. I got drunk, even really drunk, plenty of times at college and no matter how drunk I was..I still thought about my husband (then boyfriend/fiance). If he wasn’t there I would drunk text him or call and say I missed him. If I was talking with strangers at a party I would often end up talking about him. And if random guys tried to hit on me I always told them I had a boyfriend/fiance, it’s not like being drunk would ever make me forget about him! I just don’t understand the alcohol excuse at all. Especially with guys…..when guys have way too much to drink they usually are not physically capable of having sex…if you know what I mean. IMO if a guy is capable of getting it up then he should be able to comprehend that he’s cheating while in the act.

Now, apart from the alcohol excuse I do think that you are handling the whole situation very well. I can tell that you are very much in love. I agree with everyone that couples counseling is a great idea. Ultimately, you need to decide if you could ever truly, completely forgive him. Sure you two could go through with the wedding and blissfully start a new life together and a family, but without complete forgiveness this incident would continuously hang over your relationship. Forgiveness isn’t just a decision, it’s a deep emotional permanent change. And it would take a lot of time.

Post # 99
Member
922 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry this has happened. I feel nothing I write here can take away the pain you are feeling, But you are not alone. Many of us have been in your shoes. Everyone is different and what works for us may not for you. I say go to a professional and work through your feelings to see if this is a marriage you want to enter. Whatever you chose your family and friends will support… and of course your always have all of us bee’s here at the hive supporting you every step of the way. If you ever want to vent or just talk feel free to message me.

Take a deep breath, and listen to your heart. You will do the right thing.

Post # 100
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’m sorry your going through this, I don’t have any first hand experience but my granddad cheated on my Nan and they got counselling and worked it all out and in April they will have been married for 50 years 🙂 

Post # 101
Member
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am so so sorry. This must be devastating for you and I cant even imagine the pain you are feeling. I think you need to truly think about whether you will be able to stay with your fiance. Do you think you could go to counseling and be able to move past it? If you think you are going to be forever resentful and not be able to forgive, then it may be better to break things off now, as hard as that may be. This isnt something you are going to be able to decide overnight – it will take a lot of reflection and thought about how you feel about your fiance and how you think you will feel in the future. I hope that life treats you better than it has – and that you are able to make peace with whatever choice you make.

Post # 102
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My Fiance cheated on me about a year ago. We weren’t engaged at the time but he told me he needed space to figure some things out and wanted to go on a break. I was devastated because it came out of nowhere. A little over a month went by and we still talked here and there but finally he told me he was ready to get back together. About a month after that I found out the real reason he wanted a break… there was another girl. I found out from checking his Facebook messages. The other girl’s boyfriend messaged Fiance asking him to stop texting his girlfriend and blah blah blah. When I confronted Fiance I didn’t get the full truth. After a few months of slowly dragging things out of him I found out that he was sleeping with her. I was devasted. He told me he had ended things with her before we got back together because he realized that he didn’t want to lose me. In order for me to gain his trust back I had him block her phone number from his phone and he changed his phone number (on his own). He did EVERYTHING in his power to try to get me to gain my trust back with him. I hated being the “crazy” girlfriend but I checked his phone records every month, would check his e-mail, facebook, phone… everything. After a few months of seeing that he was behaving I have been able to gain my trust back. There are still times where I get nervous if he doesn’t text me back right away, or call me, but deep down I know he’s not doing anything. You have to trust him and deep down believe that he won’t do it again. If you have one doubt in your mind, it’s not going to work. You’re constantly going to have that thought in the back of your mind. YOU have to trust him.

I truly believe that everyone deserves a second chance. I am so glad that I gave Fiance a second chance because he has really proven to me that he has changed and that he is in love with no one but me. We are so much happier than we have ever been and so deeper in love than we’ve ever been. I think you should still take time, keep your guard up for awhile, but if he loves you and wants to make it work he will be patient with you. He will respect the time you need to take and he will understand when you bring it up in a fight. I can’t tell you how many time we’ve been fighting and I’ll bring it up and he’ll say “You’re right, I was disgusting”. He doesn’t get mad when I express my hurt to him, he doesn’t tell me to “get over it already” or anything like that. He is so understanding and that’s what helped me know that he was truly sorry. I think you just need to take things slow and take it one day at a time. I think he messed up and made a very stupid decision, but he’s human. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance. If your love is strong, you will make it through 🙂

Post # 103
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

It seems like a lot of people are telling you to leave him or that they would leave so I just wanted to offer the opposite opinion that if i were in your shoes, I almost definitely would not leave him. I can’t say for sure because I haven’t been cheated on, but I feel like I would. What would be most important to me I think would be that he came home and told you RIGHT AWAY. He didn’t try to hide it and he didn’t try to make up an excuse about it. Obviously counseling is a great idea, and you can’t/shouldn’t forgive him right away… but if he was making strides to improve the relationship and giving you time and space to heal I would try to make it work. 

Now, if he ever did something like that again… out the door before he even gets his coat off. But I think at this point, I would probably stay. 

Post # 104
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Oh honey, I’m so sorry.  My heart just breaks for you.  I don’t know what you should do, and I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes, but a few things keep sticking in my mind as I come back to check on this thread.  

1) He couldn’t have been THAT drunk.  If he was able to successfully have sex, there wasn’t that much alcohol in his system–certainly not enough that he didn’t know exactly what he was doing as he was doing it.  I have no trouble believing that he is remorseful and feels awful for what he’s done, but I don’t want you to give him an out by believing that he didn’t realize what he was doing due to the alcohol.  It seems to me that he did know, didn’t stop himself, and then regretted it later.  That’s to his credit, but it doesn’t change anything.

2) You sound like a wonderful, loving person.  In fact, in everything you’re written here, you sound like you feel bad for him.  Please don’t.  For now, please focus on yourself.  This was done to you, by him.  You need to heal from this.  I think individual counseling for yourself is a MUST and, if you choose to stay with him (which it seems is what you want to do) couples counseling should accompany it.  But please don’t JUST go to couples counseling.  In addition to repairing your relationship, you need to repair yourself.  

I wish you all the best.  I hope you find peace and happiness on the other side of this.

Post # 105
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Call of the engagement. 

That doesn’t mean “break up.” It means that now is not the time to worry about wedding bells–that’s just going to complicate things and put pressure on you and him. 

You need time. You’re overwhelmed right now–understandably–and you need to just take a deep breath and go slow with how you feel. I mean, we can analyze his behavior to death on this site–is it a deal-breaker, is he sorry, will he do it again, so on and so forth (you will probably do that for yourself), but in the end, you can’t force yourself to make sense out of this or figure out what your ultimate outcome is going to be. Some couples can get through an event like this and some couples can’t. But you shouldn’t try to decide which couple you are today and you shouldn’t rush to make that decision tomorrow. 

I second the suggestions to get counselling (I think you should get counselling even just on your own–I would need it if i were in your shoes). Don’t think of the decision to get counselling as necessarily a decision that you’re going to definitely get back together–or that that’s even the ultimate goal down the line, because right now, it’s probably too difficult to say whether that’s what you want. I think it’s better to think of counselling as time that you can spend together to come to terms with what happened, end-result to be determined. 

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Big hugs.

Post # 106
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If you think you can forgive him and move past it with counseling (and not say you forgive him but then hold it over his head for the rest for your lives), I see no reason you can’t stay together and make the relationship work. I hate the cliche of “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” because I just don’t think it’s true. Mistakes happen, and although I would hate it and be devastated, I think I could stomach a drunk one-night stand a lot better than I could a full blown affair with a relationship with another woman on the side complete with lies and deception. To his credit, he did admit it to you right away, which at least took courage. You might not have ever found out had he not told you, so he gets some credit for that. I don’t necessarily believe that he’d cheat again based on this isolated incident, so if you feel like you could trust him in the future not to do it again, and could truly forgive, I see no reason why you shouldn’t try to work on it. 

I can’t say for sure this is what I would do, because I have a low tolerance of cheating, but you seem to be forgiving, and can still speak well of your fiance even after he’s done this to you, so you seem like you might actually be capable of working through it and moving on. I wish you the best either way; I know this isn’t easy.

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