(Closed) fiance cheated on me PLEASE HELP ME!

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m really, really curious here… How old are you? Because to me, reading this post and your previous posts, it doesn’t sound like you’re even remotely ready to be married… I’m getting a major lack of maturity vibe.

Post # 32
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@HuisWife: I think she was referring to this current situation as him cheating on the OP…

Post # 33
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

remind me never to post on weddingbee asking for advice … 

Post # 34
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@erinleigh1: thank you!

 

View original reply
@HuisWife: Okay wow… What I said was quite simple. But I will restate it to help you out.

Since she said that he cheated on another girl with her (history of cheating there) and now she believes he cheated on her, I don’t think getting married at this time would be a good idea because there is a good chance he will cheat again.

Does that make any sense?

Post # 35
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Neither of you are ready to get married. It sounds like there is a lack of maturity on both of your parts. My advice is to call of the wedding for now and try to work on your relationship before you get married not after when it could be too late. This sounds like a very hurtful situation and you do not want to live your life being hurt if he truly is a cheater.

Post # 36
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

holy cow…

 

OP: I think both of your behaviors are very childish (spitting in his face, seriously?) and him reaching out to his ex gf to “talk” when you guys are engaged…not cool. Sounds like some serious lack of maturity.

Post # 37
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

dump that loser.  I can list a number of reasons for why I think you should dump him.  He may or may not have cheated, but it seems like he definitely could in the future and I wouldn’t trust him enough not to.  You need trust in a relationship.

But another reason I think you should dump him is because of what you said here:

“he said he just needed to talk to someone and he felt he couldnt talk to me (his family has been having financial problems and he feels embarrassed talking about it with me :0( )”

Ummm, if he is going to be your spouse he should be able to talk to you about anything.  Especially his family.  You are going to be your own new family if you marry him but you will also be part of his family.  You need to be able to communicate.  The fact that he is running to his ex to talk about his feelings is a bad sign.  He should be talking to you.

 

I’d break it off!  Sorry hun.

Post # 38
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sure, but if my fiance wasn’t mature enough to discuss our issues with ME, then he isn’t mature enough to become my husband.

Post # 39
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@love4sean: 

Cheating issues aside, both of you and your relationship needs help. Please, go to marriage counseling. Don’t announce anything major, but take a break from wedding planning. After a meeting or two with a counselor, things should be much more apparent to you as to whether or not this marriage is right for you. 

A relationship shouldn’t be about yelling, screaming, spitting, and breaking things. It should be about building. It’s never right to purposely humiliate a significant other – it will only make him angrier. You both need to be calm to work things out. Why isn’t he comfortable talking to you about family issues? It sounds like this isn’t the first time you’ve belittled him, and he’s probably not confident that you’ll be able to emotionally support him in the way he needs. I don’t believe that a cheater is always a cheater, and I do think people can change. But they need support, love, and understanding – not a vigilante waiting to pounce at the first mistake. 

Talk to a professional. Only they can learn both sides of the issue in a controlled environment. Perhaps your relationship will come out stronger than ever.

Post # 40
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m not going to say whether or not I think you should get married, because I don’t think it’s my place. But I do think that your lack of healthy communication as a couple is startling.  Communication and trust are the backbone of any good relationship.  I’m sorry, but if you don’t have that, I think you are not being fair to yourselves as people who are supposed to love each other.  You need to take a step back, be honest with yourselves, and re-evaluate your relationship.

Post # 41
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Seriously?  If you marry this guy in 4 months it WILL turn out badly.  There are too many issues that need to be resolved.  For example

1.  Why does he still have ex’s number?

2.  Why is he talking to HER about your sex life? (Red flag the size of Texas)

3.  Why is he not turning to and talking to you about issues in your relationship?

4.  Why are you willing to settle for this crap?

I am sorry you are going through this, but please don’t marry him unless and until you are in a healthy relationship with a man you can trust.  If you go through with this wedding you need to know that you are going to end up looking like and feeling like the biggest fool in the world when the marriage ends.  And it will end  (Issues don’t go away when we ignore them, they get infected and worse just like any other injury)

Post # 42
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This just doesn’t add up to anything good. For one thing, according to your story and your bio, you’ve only been dating for less than 10 months, not a year and a half. You’re both acting like children, like pp suggested. It is not going to end well if you go through with marrying him in four months. But if that’s your choice, then so be it.

Post # 43
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I’m a little confused about what happened, and it sounds like you are, too. I think the right thing to do would be to call off the wedding and work on the relationship, if that’s what you want to do… or to call that off, too. If I had this kind of question hanging over my head and no answers, I certainly could not marry someone.

Post # 44
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with everyone else who has replied on this thread, and I don’t think there is really all that much else to say… It sounds like both you and your fiance are not ready for marriage. You both still have a lot of growing up to do.

Marriage is a partnership. You should be able to talk to your spouse about everything. If he doesn’t feel comfortable coming to you to talk, and you feel like you can’t trust him, I honestly don’t see how it could ever possibly work out. A married couple should be supportive and honest with one another…

Post # 45
Member
1643 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so confused. I tried reading all the responses but all the PPs seemed confused, too.

Did he cheat on you, or not? Going to his ex with YOUR relationship issues is a major problem/red flag/betrayal of trust. 

But you yelled at him in front of you family, tore up everything, and spit in his face? I’m surprised he didn’t end it right there. 

News flash (and this has nothing to do with his alleged “cheating”): NEITHER of you are ready to get married. He proposed after TWO months. And while you’ve had a long engagement, it’s been (at least according to him) “rocky” enough that he’s turned to his ex. That’s wrong on more than one level. And you reacted by spitting in his face. I know some PPs asked this, and I wanna know too: how old are you? 

It sounds like the best step right now is to call off the wedding. Postpone it, and work on your relationship. You may find that you just need more time to grow, or you may find that you don’t need to be together. Either way, you need to figure it out BEFORE walking down the aisle.

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