(Closed) fiance cheated on me PLEASE HELP ME!

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
39 posts
  • Wedding: April 2012

OP: From what you’ve told us, we really can’t confer much from it. Your Fiance called another woman and brought her into your relationship as his personal consultant and told her confidential things regarding your relationship that should only be discussed between the two of you and a therapist(if the both of you decide.) And then he turned around and lied about it. Ok yes he was wrong. Regardless of what the situation is, lying is wrong. And honestly, this is the part I would have the biggest problem with. Maybe he had his wires crossed or something.

Now your behavior is what I am more concerned about. Spitting on him??? Thats one of the lowest things you could do to someone, esp. when you weren’t sure of the situation. And you called him out in front of your family??? Yes he was wrong for telling his ex-gf things, but then you turn around and blast your business in the presence of your family? Two wrongs dont make a right hun!!! I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase and I’m hoping if you havent it sticks with you. You cursed him out as well?? Wow, really mature. Do you have no respect for him? My Fiance did some stupid stuff, but respect is always maintained. Why??? Because you still want the other person to do the same. Getting married is about being a responsible, mature adult, and from this post, you dont seem to have either of those qualities. Don’t even worry about what he did wrong!! You need to work on you first.

Post # 64
1643 posts
Bumble bee

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@love4sean: Yes, I know. Everyone here said that him talking to her about YOUR relationship was a betrayal. It IS a betrayal. That’s why it’s so important to take a step back from wedding planning and focus on the actual relationship. And whether she’s lying or not–who knows. That’s not the issue–the issue is that he is going to his ex instead of you. So now you need to ask yourself WHY he’s doing that. 

Clearly there’s an essential piece to the puzzle missing. That or you’re marrying the biggest idiot on the planet. 

As for why wait a year when you can do it in four months? Because it’s important to BOTH BE READY for marriage when marriage happens. If he’s going to his ex and saying ANYTHING about you PERIOD–I’m sorry but he is not ready to marry you. I question that. Why would a man go to his ex about relationship issues? Many reasons. But a big one jumps out at me–he’s not happy. He’s not satisfied. He’s missing something. What can she possibly give him that you can’t? Ask yourself what you’re not giving him.

i have rejected him sexually quite a few times, and im trying to be a better listener so he could come to me with his problems.

BINGO. And this is why YOU’RE not ready to marry HIM. He can’t come to you with his problems? You sexually reject him. Those are two of the BIGGEST things in a relationship for men. 

So why wait? Because four months is an awfully short time to cram a whole lot of relationship-fixing in. A timeline–especially one that short, adds a whole lot of pressure. I’m not saying break up. I’m not saying it’s hopeless (even though I’m not seeing any hope–but it isn’t my relationship), I’m just saying that over-coming these issues (and you both have some serious issues) is hard enough without the clock ticking down. 

Post # 65
3600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I’ve been reading this thread since you first posted it, and I had been trying to think of the best thing to say. PPs have made many good points.

I won’t tell you that his behavior is bad- you know that.

I won’t tell you that your behavior is bad- you know that.

I won’t tell you that the ex is out of line- you know that.

But know that the marriage is way more important than the wedding. The marriage should come first and you need to start the marriage off with as much healthy energy as possible. That could take a lot of time and you need to be prepared for that if you want to salvage this relationship. 

Post # 66
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@love4sean: good luck with your counseling and therapy, that is a very wise and mature decision! 🙂

Post # 68
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m glad you’ve decided to go and talk to someone together. It sounds like there are some communication breakdowns and I’ll tell you from first hand experience, communication (and trust) and two of the most important things to a healthy marriage. The wedding is one day and is very special. But, having a strong foundation on which to start building your marriage upon is key for the marriage to last.

Post # 69
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry you are going through this.  NO ONE deserves a lifetime of that, and I hope you are able to realize you are worth more than this.  

Take a look at your life and ask yourself if you want to live this way?   I lived with a man that did not treat me well for most of my 20s.  He left me after I had his baby.  Luckily, I have a good job and did well without him.   I met an amazing man the next year and wished I had known that there is such thing as a peaceful relationship. 

You both deserve to be happy, and if you are both treating each other now, I can’t imagine what it will be like down the road.  Abuse (emotional too) doesn’t get better by itself.

Post # 70
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

The one thing that keeps running through my mind is “Please God, don’t let this marriage happen and go on long enough to have children brought into this.”  Being a child caught in the middle of a train wreck of a marriage is horrible.  Being a child watching their parents get divorced is horrible.  In your title you used the words “Please help me”.  Well, we tried but I don’t think you wanted “help” at all.  You wanted to complain and hear everyone minimize what happened to make marrying him not seem like such a foolish idea. 

Post # 71
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I was in  a relationship quite a while ago…not saying yours will turn out like this, BUT, my boyfriend I caught texting his ex…just casual you know here and there…then turns out..they were “sexting” yep, naked pics of her on his phone…so I got mad but hey I was stupid and forgave him..you guessed it…they weren’t just “Sexting” on no they were “sexing” and I was little miss niave being cheated on for a year. Where there’s smoke there’s fire….I can’t tell you what it feels like to be with someone who NEVER gives you that nervous feeling that you wonder, where is he, what is he doing, I want to look thru his phone – it’s the best feeling in the world not to wonder – that’s the grounds for a marriage, the security, trust and bond, and let’s not forget, respect. I can’t respect you if I don’t trust you.

Post # 72
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

leave him.  give it time (will take at least a full year of no contact whatsoever to get over him) and you’ll be fine.

i know it’s really hard for most women to walk away and not drunk dial or still keep in contact…i’ve never understood that.  just have some self control and common sense and disappear from his life. 

destroy every reminder you have of him around you..change your number if you have to.  he’s no good and that sounds like a horribly dramatic relationship that is not off to a good start.  i’d rather just learn from it and start over. 

Post # 73
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

So sorry you had to deal with his immature crap. There will obviously be trust issued from here on out. Here’s my advice: Kick him in the balls and then kick him to the curb. You deserve better.

Post # 74
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

First off…Kudos for spitting in his face. He deserves more than that.

Second….You are better off without him. 

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