(Closed) Fiance Cheated, Wedding is Off

posted 13 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What constitutes cheating?

    Spending time with another woman when your SO doesn't know about it.

    Holding hands & some kissing & cuddling with another woman until 4am - SO gets to call jails & ER's

    Going to a movie with another woman friend that isn't your SO, but that you may be interested in.

    And for fun: Letting another lady touch your penis without your womans consent.

  • Post # 62
    Member
    97 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    VintageDevine – I’ve hesitated posting on this thread b/c I didn’t know what to say but after reading your updates I couldn’t help but say you are such a strong woman. Honestly, if I were in the same situation I think I wouldn’t even have the strength to post what you did. You are amazing! I’m glad that you’ve had the opportunity to speak briefly w/your ex so that you can give him a piece or two of your mind! Good luck to you in your future – I am so beyond confident that you will find happiness again!

    Post # 63
    Member
    194 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    VintageDivine-I don’t have any advice to give you that will take the pain away or make things better but I do send all the love and hugs I can your way. 

     

    Post # 64
    Member
    92 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    you’ve received great advice from the hive and i just wanted to say that you truly sound like a very strong, centered, brave woman that deserves only the best in her life. i know you will get through this…

    Post # 65
    Member
    1616 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    VintageDivine: I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this is for you. But as someone who has been previously engaged and broke it off, I know it can be gut-wrenching, but eventually you will find a man who truely deserves you (I did). I believe that everything that happens to us happens to either teach us something, or, in the future, to reflect upon to show us what great things we have in our life then.

    Myself and Mr Mini have both been previously engaged, and the past relationships and their hardships really make us appreciate what we have together now. So even though it hurts now, in the future, once you move on, it can really help you with your perspective. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    851 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Aw, I hate to hear stories like this; I remember going through two break ups one after the other I felt like the world was ending

     

    I am very sorry this happened; you deserve to be happy; you will get through this; now is the time to mourn and be sad

     

    aw, god bless

    Post # 67
    Member
    1172 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I am really sad for you too. I Have to say that I agree with amandopolis that people cheat and forgiveness (though hard is achievable in some instances). unfortunately, like you said this is a second offense. You don’t deserve to be lied to. Period. Good luck, stay strong and keep us psoted!

    Post # 68
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    hugs hugs hugs

    i am so sorry.  you are doing what is best for you and your health and you should be proud of yourself.  you can do it, you have weddingbee behind you.

    Post # 69
    Member
    16 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    VintageDevine..

    I know exactly what you are feeling, the crazy thoughts, etc.  I have to be completely honest with you, your first reaction and gut feelings are correct.  Never doubt them!!!!  I married and had children with a man that was dishonest with me from the start.  I always suspected something when we were dating, engaged and married.  We were together a total of 10 yrs.  I always denied my gut feelings and believed his version of the truth.  Turned out that he slept with 20 (yes, 20) different women while he was with me.  I would take up this whole website with stories of times that I caught him red handed, and he somehow talked me out of believing the truth and staying with him.

    You made the right decision.  No matter how hard you believe it will be to leave and divide up your property, you have to do it.  You will get over those thoughts of "what if".   He does not deserve you.  You deserve to set your rules of what you will accept and not accept, and stick to it.  And this is something that you will not accept.  Would he still go through with the marriage if you did the same thing? I don’t think so.  He would have you out on the street with a red "A" sewn on your shirt.

    Don’t let him back in.  He will do more damage later in your marriage, to you and god forbid, your children.

    It has taken me 6 years to get back on my feet, my head on straight and my heart back to being whole.  I am now engaged to a wonderful man, who loves me and my kids.  And has to deal with the ex-husband, and does it very well. The ex now knows that he had lost me forever and will have to live with the fact that he screwed up the best thing he ever had.

    I hope and pray you take my advice to heart.  Follow yours.  See a therapist on your own so that you can be made whole again; you can have set boundaries for yourself and the next person in your life-and you will one day fall in love and know what true love and devotion is.

    Take care!!!!! I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  It sucks, it hurts, and you do not deserve the misery!!!  

     

     

     

    Post # 70
    Member
    840 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    Vintage, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wish I had some sage words for you, but I don’t really. I guess the way I am, once I truly love a man, there are only two ways I’d ever leave him, and I’ve made these expressly clear: Cheat me or beat me. I promised myself nomatter how hard it is, that if either of these two things happened to me, I’d leave immediately, no forgiveness because if they happen once both are sure to happen again.

    I have tolerated a lot of B*llsh*t in past relationships, some would say I even stayed too long in many of them, but I never left a man I loved for any reason other than these two (thankfully only happened with one guy). I respect you so much for having the strength to leave before you sign on for a lifetime of misery.

    Post # 71
    Member
    83 posts
    Worker bee

    Vintage I don’t believe life is as simple as many of the other ‘bees’. Now, I admit I am a married woman but it’s not my first marriage (I’m here because I am working with my daugher on her wedding)  There are all kinds of cheating and I think the worst kind is sharing your heart with another person.  I am not saying to forgive him, I am only saying that this is not as simple as people make it out to be.  I do want you to know that I am sure you will find the right person someday if it is not him.  I had a horrible marriage, awful divorce and have been blissfully happy for 20 years with my husband who tells me many times each day how much he loves me…can you believe it? Take your time…don’t over generalize. Consider counseling and stay in touch.  Sending you warm wishes and support!

    Post # 72
    Member
    18 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    VintageDivine,

    I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and keeping us updated.  I wish I had heard stories like your back in 2006. 

    At the time I was dating a guy who I loved dearly.  We lived together and I moved 400 miles to be with him.  I wanted our relationship to work but over time he stopped treating me how I should be treated.  One day he came home with a ring and proposed.  (I’m sure he did it because he knew things were on rocky.)  I accepted because I felt I couldn’t say no.  I didn’t feel I could back out of the relationship.  I wasn’t strong enough to excercise my option to be with someone who treated me and loved me the way I deserved or needed. Eventually (18 months later) I got out of the relationship.  Thankfully I’m with a wonderful person today.  If I had known of other women who had at a life altering point and took the seemingly more difficult route I know I could have said no and saved myself months of heartache.  I’m sure there are other readers who know what an inspiration you are to them.  Thank you. 

    While I can’t imagine your heartache, I can leave you with these words, as someone who has been in an unhappy place and needed to make a serious crossroads decision.  Never let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making the right now.  You always deserve to be with someone who will love you the way you need to be loved.  Never allow your needs to be constantly dominated or dismissed by someone else’s. 

    Best wishes and lots of hugs.

    Post # 73
    Member
    4590 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    First off, Vintage, I’m so sorry he would do this to you. No person deserves to have this done to them.  And although I don’t appreciate the words said to Amandopolis, I have to stand by her side and say that I respect her thoughts on this and agree with them.

    Let me explain – the story that Amandpolis was a good one of what could have been a happy ending had they tried to work it out. He was immediately guilty and confessed, he showed total remorse for what he did.  Had they tried to work it out, I bet they would have a strong solid relationship now.  While I DON’T EVER condone cheating, some people act before they think. While its horrible and hurtful and completely blows your trust, when they show true remorse and are willing to do whatever it takes (counseling, buying you flowers every day, being at your beck and call whenever you need him – whatever it takes!) then I fully believe that they can overcome it and come out a stronger couple.  My Fiance and I were both cheated on in our last relationships, so we have had extensive conversations about this and I fully believe that it would not happen with us (we are also working on marriage books like the ones suggested on the Bee to see what we need to work on to be a strong couple and grow together not apart, which is usually when cheating happens).

    Vintage – you expressed that you weren’t sure about the marriage yourself, so maybe you both have issues about getting married. You were right to call off the wedding, but this might not be over (unless you want it to be).  If you both are willing to seek counseling and work on it, it could still work out. But you both have to want it.  It’s not true that once a cheater always a cheater, and you said so yourself that he didn’t buy condoms but in fact was buying something for YOU…

    Post # 74
    Member
    1407 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Just another voice among the many to say – you are so very strong. Many women would forgive, forget, and allow themselves to be treated this way. There’s also many women that would lash out at the other woman rather than taking action within the relationship. His ex is obviously is a piece of crap but you aren’t in a relationship with her, and its ultimately your ex-fiance that destroyed your relationship. You are doing the mature, smart thing and handling this with more grace than either your ex-fiance and his crappy ex-girlfriend could ever dream of having. Keep your chin up, keep your dignity and keep your dog!

    Post # 75
    Member
    2 posts
    Wannabee

    I couldn’t even finish reading all of the posts, but got to halfway down the first page, and saw that he bought you a small "gift", and not condoms…

     I.. can’t even begin to tell you. Before I met my Stephen, I had basically given up, on much more than men. I was young. I Had a bad drug addiction. I had been on the streets sice I was 15. I had a womanizing father who wouldn’t shut up about my wieght, and other pretty women, and how I would never be as pretty as them. I had done some shameful things to survive, things I will never speak of, ever again. I put myself in some pretty sticky situations, and some pretty terrible things had happened to me, things I will never tell anyone. Things that should never happen to any teenage girl, any girl, any woman, any person.

    Then I met my last ex, I thought he saved my life, from all of that. I was doing ok. Had a full time job, we lived in a bachelor apartment. I was starting to put the pieces of my life together. And things were really great, for awhile. Until he started to beat me. It was horrifying. I would show up to work with rings around my neck, from where his hands gripped my neck. Or with a black eye. Or with cuts and bruises on my legs. Waiting until I passed out was the only resolve. that went on for 5 years.. And EVERY time it would happen.. he would apologize till he was blue in the face. He would even cry sometimes. And I, would be in shock, or having a panick attack. For days, panic attacks strung in a row. And he would just hold me and stroke my hair.. tell me he loved me.. and that we were going to get married and live happily ever after. I was under 100lbs. I couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. For YEARS.. then one day I woke up, and left him. It was hard.. I thought I loved him.

     Stephen was my boss at the time, and I confided in him. He surprised me with a trip to montreal. I had a hard time believing that the way Stephen treated me was real, without an alterior motive. With respect. he was, and is right.. The moral is

    You deserve to be treated with respect. And you deserve to be loved. Cheating, is not love. Nor is it respect.

    Maybe Cheating is not as physically extreme, but i can guarantee you it is the same kind of hurt.

    I am sad for you, that you have to go through this. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Have hope! there will be better days.

    Post # 76
    Member
    292 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2022 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

    I’m so very sorry… you have received some great advice here and although it must be terrible and gut-wrenching, you WILL come out of this stronger and happier in the end. Best wishes to you…

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