(Closed) Fiancé cheated….long…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 119
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Let him go. Take a vacation and get some clarity. It sounds like this is your intuition telling you NOT to do this. You deserve better. 

Post # 120
Member
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sorry dear..I don’t see how you can marry this man, without a heavy heart. You shouldn’t have to.

Post # 121
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Reading what you wrote broke my heart! I’m so so so sorry you are dealing with this.

My opinion is the same as what most of the other Bees are saying, that you should at least push back/cancel your wedding for now. If you go into a wedding with such a horrible feeling hanging over your head, you may come to resent it and him, even if he never cheats again. You owe yourself time to fully deal with what happened. If you decide to stay with him, your relationship will be stronger for it, if you don’t stay with him, then you will have dodged a HUGE bullet.

I know that right now it is the hardest thing in the world to imagine doing, but it could be a very big mistake to go through with the wedding right now.

Post # 122
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Man that sucks.So sorry you are dealing with this.I wouldn’t marry him and would probably just cut my losses.

Post # 123
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I realize this is your life you we are talking about here, but it’s not about cheating at all…its about trust and respect. I am a firm believer (and someone who has been cheated on) that if you respect someone, you won’t cheat. I am so sorry for what you are going through unfortunately I will tell you that I would never say in that situation. Been there done that. They say they are sorry and it will never happen again. I can understand forgiving that ONCE (I didn’t but that was my deal breaker) but to cheat a second time shows he can do it and shows you are foolish for believing. First time, shame on them….second time shame on you. IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBT (other than pre wedding jitters, we all know the difference) YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY HIM!!!! You are worth more than that.

Post # 124
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I know this is a difficult decision, sweetie, but I do not think you should get married right now. If you want to keep trying to work it out, at least delay the wedding until you guys have worked through everything and are 100% sure.  Screw what your family says.  i don’t know what culture your family is, but some cultures are way too tolerant about this sort of stuff…especially if it’s the man cheating.  They’re wrong on this one.  Forget the money and pressure – this is your LIFE.  Money comes and goes, but your happiness, your health, your emotional wellbeing all are too precious to throw away because your family says so or you’re afraid of being alone.

 

Honestly, I would leave.  I’ve been the kid who had to endure a parent screwing around and not caring what it did to us. It had soap-opera like consequences that have been horrible for my family.  It not only scarred my other parent, but us kids as well.  Cheating is unacceptable, and cheaters are very good at telling us what we want to hear.  I’m sure this man loves you.  But he’s a cheater and even though he might mean what he says now, when things get tough I bet you he’ll fall back into the cheating cycle again.  At least now you can walk away with no kids and hopefully no stds.  

 

Also, re: the qualities you love about him, there are plenty of fish in the sea.  There are many good men in the world, and while it can be tough to find one who’s perfect for you, I guarantee you that there’s more than one man out there that can make you happy.  

Post # 125
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’ve asked my husband to please tell me if he ever finds himself wanting to be with someone else. Don’t cheat on me, just let me know, and we can both move on.  Seems like a reasonable request, and a reasonable agreement.  Knowing this, I always ask myself “Why would people cheat when they can just come to some sort of agreement such as this?”  I’ll tell you why.  Why tell your partner when you can just continue having the person you love AND everybody else?

 

I hate to sound so harsh, but I really don’t believe that he will change.  If he’s cheated on you, then he absolutely doesn’t respect your relationship.  I’d say leave him, and find a man that deserves you, respects your relationship, and with whom you can make each other truly happy.

Post # 126
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Please dont do this to yourself Do not marry this man, If you do you are setting yourself up for more pain in the future, nobody who loved and respected you would hurt you this bad, I would put money on it that this comes up again in your relationship, maybe not right away but a few years down the road ….  🙁

Respect yourself and leave, find that true “dream man” the one with all the good qualities of your present guy, who would never cheat on you who respects you!!!!  This guys cheated on you on the night you were out celebrating the fact that you were getting married to him, who does that?!?!  Its jsut as bad as if he cheated on you after the rehersal dinner or on the honeymoon

Post # 127
Member
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

THis situation is horrific, all around.  I have been cheated on, a lot.  I made some really bad choices, and tolerated some really bad behaviour.

I think you should leave him…BUT at the very least, call off the wedding entirely, let him PROVE to you he has changed, 7 months is nothing in the scheme of a lifetime you are planning on committing to.

But I don’t think I could EVER get over infidelity from my partner, let alone multpiple incindents.

So sorry for you, but I hope with your therapists help, you can see the other end of this and recognize your worth as a person, and that this behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Post # 128
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through all of that drama 🙁 you are so WORTH more than this, than HIM. I know it’s easier said than done, but I think the best thing for you is leave him. Not only did he cheat on you, he cheated on you a number of times and THAT is unacceptable. There are no excuse for him to do something like that, not to you…

 

I think you may need to do a little soul searching and find out whats best for you… don’t think about him, what your friends will say, family… you deserve to be a little selfish and concentrate on yourself and what you need to do to get rid of all that drama.

Post # 129
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. My own self respect would never allow me to marry a man who behaved in this way. I could never trust him again – I would run for the hills and cut all contact with him for good.

Post # 130
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I truly empathize with you and cannot imagine how difficult this is. The only things that came to mind are that I can’t help but wonder how much influence your families’ perceptions of the situation have on you. Just because they don’t think being with someone who cheats is a big deal doesn’t mean that you have to think the same (plus IMO this is such an archaic mentality – stiff upper lip, bottling feelings, false pretences… so unhealthy). Only you can answer whether you are willing to put up with that, whether the cheating is/has been happening in private or not.

And the other thing is that mentality seems to be ingrained in him, too, which isn’t surprising given the views of his family. But is it so easy to move past that mentality of cheating being the “kind of thing men do” and the thrill of a new sexual or forbidden sexual encounter? Is he really going to be thinking of the guilt rather than the excitement the next time he’s tempted? I would personally guess that no matter how convinced he is now that he will be “clean” from now on, and no matter how much he genuinely loves you, he will never truly be able to shake that nagging at the back of his head that eventually steers him into the arms of other women. And remember, this was not just one unforgiveable fling, but clearly a very big issue for him because it’s been so repeated.

Also, I understand that he is otherwise a great guy, I really do. And of course it doesn’t mean that as a person he is the scum of the earth just because he cheated. Things like that happen and people are people. But ask yourself this very realistic question: if you knew that he would probably never be able to change, is there any way you could accept his extramarital affairs as a compromise for all his other good qualities? If the answer is no but you’re still banking on him changing and hope that you will somehow work through this huge violation of trust, you have to recognize that if he DOES carry on cheating, it will only get much, much harder to cope with once you’re married and start a family. And that you might be missing out on the perfectly loving, honest and monogamous relationship that you deserve.

 

Post # 131
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

oh my goodness, what a horrible situation, i feel for you.

i suppose at the min it feels like a dammed if you do dammed if you dont, if you do and anything were to ever happen again, you may regret marrying him, if you dont, you may always find yourself wondering what if.

the only person who can make the decision is you, there is nothing which says you cant oush the wedding back a bit, this might give you more time to work out what it is you want to do, and also gives time for you to gain back the trust you had in him.

its a hard one, and i wouldnt like to say either yes do it or no dont do it, because what i would do in your situation may not be right for you to do.

i hope you can work out what it is you want to do, and that you will be happy with whatever decision you make. i think the only bit of advice i can offer is to take your time and make sure that you are truely happy with whatever decision it is you make.

its good to hear that you are having time with your counsellor on your own, sounds a sensible thing to do to be able to talk about your feelings in a safe place to do so.

good luck with your decisions.

Post # 132
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Hidingbride:  That is unacceptable.  Families always have a way of soliciting advice.  That is YOUR decision!  No one has to live your life but you, so make the decision that is best for you.  Be true to yourself, your values and your priorities.  If is something you cannot live with, DON’T!!!  If you can live with it, do, but let it be YOUR decision. In the words of Dr. Phil, don’t let anyone else make a decision for what is going to happen in your life.  I am SO sorry you are going through this. You should be happy.

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