Post # 1
My fiance with whom I have been with for 6.5 years wants children very very desperately. I think his desire is so strong because when he was 16 a girl he impregnanted had an abortion without telling him and also because his mom passed nearly 2 years ago. I want children, however, I want to have a good foundation and financial security first. I am 26 and he is 27 and we are both in graduate school, so no careers. And he wants to go to medical school and I am considering a PhD program. He proposed in December 2014, but our wedding was planned for Summer 2016 until we finish our grad programs.
The big problem is that he is so eager to have kids but not in a rush to get married. When I asked about moving our wedding up he said only if I stop taking my birth control. He also very directly told me that I am not enough for him alone and that he needs children. I’m very confused by his willingness to have kids but not marriage and more recently it has cause issues in our realtionship. To be clear I want children, but I am scared of losing myself once i have them, and if we have them very soon after our marriage we wont even have time to enjoy our marriage and earn a living. He just says the point of living is for children. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Post # 2
He would be having those children with someone else.
ETA: He would not marry you after you had them either. Just my spidey senses telling me that.
Post # 3
Uh… You aren’t enough alone?! No. Just no. Do not have kids with this man. You are more than a baby maker and if he only wants kids he can go find another woman who also believes her sole purpose is to push out babies.
Post # 4
This is really fucking creepy and a massive red flag. Please be careful about your partner sabotaging your birth control or otherwise trying to force you into a pregnancy.
Post # 5
Uh no. I got pregnant before I am getting married on accident. But my Fiance never was trying to get me to give him a child. It seems very…odd..and there’s a lot of concerning things about it. I would wonder why he wanted a child but not a family. Again…that’s very very concerning and strange.
Post # 6
Part of what is so awesome about my relationship is that we are enough for each other. I’m in my mid-30s and he’s in his late 30s, so it’s really important that we’re enough because of the greater chance of infertility at our ages. Why would you want to be with someone who is trying to manipulate you into having children when you aren’t ready?
Post # 7
What the actual f*ck did I just read? You are NOT ENOUGH for alone? I guess that’s a f*cked up way of saying, I’d love a family and being a couple doesn’t work with me.
I have so many issues with this but the first of all is this:
(1) He should NEVER threaten one for the other. Demanding you to stop taking your BC in exchange for marriage is not normal. Taking your BC is a human right, fought for by our grandmothers during the feminist movement, and is one of the basic foundations of our rights as women. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, can ever demand you to stop doing what you have a right to do.
(2) He can’t demand children without a solid plan. Demanding children without a solid plan on who is going to take care of them, how will they grow up in a very busy household, who will watch them while you’re going to school. If he wants children, he has to help you plan this. And not just talk about it, you need to SEE PLANS IN MOTION. You need to be there when he talks to relatives about daycare, you need to be there when he signs up for daycare. Also, he CANNOT dictate you to leave your job as it is his decision.
(3) And this is like the most important one: NEVER HAVE CHILDREN JUST BECAUSE. Just because he demanded it, doesn’t mean you should. Make smart decisions about your life and if something smells like a coercion, it probably is. Dont’ be bullied into making babies with someone who thinks and talks to you this way!
Post # 8
“He also very directly told me that I am not enough for him alone and that he needs children. I’m very confused by his willingness to have kids but not marriage and more recently it has cause issues in our realtionship.”
WHAT. Do you see a problem in this statement? I would be offended that he widdled my worth down to my ability to procreate. You are doing some very awesome things and have a great future ahead of you. You need to be sure that you are fulfilling your goals and needs. For example, are you willing to put in all the work for grad school and then immediatley put all of that on hold for a baby that he desperatly wants? I’m not saying that it is a bad thing to do that, if that’s what YOU want. I’m just saying to really think about it.
I’m in a similar situation as you, where my Fiance wants children much more than I do (I actually don’t care to have children); I am also starting a doctoral program. I can’t imagine doing all of the hard work that you and I are doing and then dropping it, simply to appease my partner.
I don’t think that you are considering what YOU want and need.
Post # 10
That’s not okay. What if you guys have fertility issues? He’s just going to leave? Not okay with his mindset at all.
Post # 11
I’m assuming that he also wants you to drop everything and take care of them too? Because he certainly won’t have much time for childcare if he’s going to med school, not to mention the possibility of having to be gone for weeks at a time during his rotation years.
Just no. If you’re not ready to have children, don’t. And keep a close eye on your birth control.
Honestly, I don’t think that a guy that doesn’t think you’re enough for him is worth your time.
Post # 12
Okay… this post wins (or loses?) the internet
for the day.
That motherf*cker said WHAT to you?! I’m sorry, honey, and God knows I’ve played devil’s advocate quite a lot on these boards and have argued cases for more than one hot mess of a “man,” but a man does NOT tell you you are not enough for him and that he will only marry you if he’s allowed to knock you up first.
Like, I can’t even… A million times NO.
Post # 13
Ditch this guy. It sounds like you’re just a free womb to him. Not someone he wants to be with long term.
Post # 14
+1000 I couldn’t have said it better myself. Really, I couldn’t have.
Post # 15
Guilt over an abortion, or his mom passing away, are not good enough reasons to want children. This man needs some serious counselling if he believes that will make his life complete. And not wanting to commit to you, but expecting you to have his children?! Holy hell, run girl!