Post # 1
Fiance and I have been together for 4 years and he popped the question this past August. We meet online and he is 38 and I am 31. We had a longgggggggggg road to the engagement. At first I never thought he was going to marry me and had many fights over it. I saw many of my friends who were dating for a year get married and it was very painful. He has supported me for the past year while I was out of work. My Fiance is not your traditional person. He is very shy and does not believe in God. We went ring shopping and he got me a nice ring that cost about 5k. As soon as we got engaged I annouced it to the world and started planning our wedding. We are paying for our wedding ouselves so I picked a sunday to save on the cost and luckly for us our 5 year anniversary falls on a sunday. Now that I had a date picked in my head he is coming up with a new song. He does not want a wedding at all but just want to go to city hall. He thinks Weddings are a joke and constantly calls it “my party”. I am getting sick and tired of his negative attitude and really do not want to get married in 2013 because he will be 40 and I wiill be 33 and feel that the longer we push back the wedding the more of a joke it will be with him. I really have thought of calling off the wedding but it will be a huge embarrasement for me because of my family. He is the only boy I ever took home and in my culcture they do not understand the idea of calling off a wedding. I already picked my 6 brides maid and his one sister already gave me her old dress from 10 years ago. I am so upset and I know I am sick of complaing to my friends because I only go to them when things are going bad. Please give any advice you guys can. I am so sad that I took my ring off and he doesnt even care. I just want the fairy tale that I always dreamed of since I was a little girl. I am sorry if there are typos but I am wrting from a very trouble mind right now.
Post # 3
@sexxysheddy: You need to sit him down and talk. Also give him some time especially because your wedding is awhile away. Most men have no interest in weddings. Even my Fiance calls it “my wedding” no matter how many times I tell him that it is ours.
Post # 4
Being upset about a ‘wedding’ is no reason to take off your ring that symbolizses his commitment and desire to get married. I think many men are like this… they dont care for the wedding. In their mind, they have asked you to marry them, and have taken the leap to be commited. They dont care about the wedding and party like we do. My husband called the wedding “mine” also, he just didnt care for any of the details and stuff. I dont think you can change his attitude towards wedding.. if he thinks its silly, its just going to be that way. Sit him and and just tell him that fine, he thinks its silly, its your party.. .fine, but at least support you with it, and stop being so negative cause its important to you. Maybe you can ask him exactly why he thinks is so silly, and give him reasons why you dont think it is.
Post # 5
@sexxysheddy: Hey lady, I’m sorry you are sad. If you want the fairytale wedding of your dreams and he does not, that’s one thing to disagree, and perhaps you can find a compromise. But what bothers me is that you had to have many fights about getting married/engaged in the first place, and he belittles your dream of a wedding celebration. He makes a joke of it and has a negative attitude about it that puts you down. Can you talk with your Fiance about your feelings being hurt and why a wedding celebration is important to you? Can he, at the very least, honor what is important to you, even if he is not into picking colors, flowers, etc.?
Is the wedding the only thing you two differ on, or are there other things you both disagree on that need to be addressed?
I think you owe it to yourself to be true to yourself first and foremost. Don’t worry about what anyone else is going to think. You have to find some peace of mind and figure out what YOU think, and if you feel a certain way you need to listen to yourself and act accordingly.
If you call off the wedding, though your family/culture may not understand at first, you will find the support you need in time. They want you to be happy, right? They want you to be with a man that fulfills your dreams and supports you, right? They want you to be with a man that will listen and communicate effectively with you to reach a resolution and not belittle you, right? Well then, take a good hard look at what is going on around you and ask yourself: “Am I in a balanced, healthy relationship or is something off? If things are balanced, great. But if something is off, can we do something about it or is it time to move on?”
Post # 6
thank you so much for the kind words. I am totally lost because this is the man after only 6 months of dating wanted to move in together and get married and I was like woah slow down I need to get to know you better. He is totally against the norms of society. He came from a 2 parent home and he is 1 of 6 while I came from a 1 family home and had a stepfather. I tried talking to my man many times and he just shuts down. I am really thinking of going to see a therapist because when we talk its eighter I yell and scream or he just says he doesnt know. I love him with all my heart but I just wish he gave me more of him emotionaly.
Post # 7
@sexxysheddy: First off *big hugs*, secondly, we’re both from West Windsor, NJ so major hometown props. You really do need to just talk to him. Explain why it matters to you, why it hurts when he talks like that. Use those “I” statements, because they really are more effective. Give him time to explain how he feels, and remember that that is important too, but make sure you say what you need from him: to be more excited or just not criticize the wedding? To respect your feelings and remember this day is for you too and he also must compromise? Give it time, have the conversation, and decide whether his answers (and subsequent behavior) satisfy what you need. Breaking off an engagement to a man who can’t give you what you deserve is hard but way better than living in a bad marriage or getting a divorce. Best of luck.
Post # 8
I agree you guys need to get on the same page or take a step back. Calling off a wedding is much less embarrassing and difficult on family than a divorce and avoiding embarrassment and things like that should not be the only reason not to call off a wedding. If you still love him and want to marry him you both need to come up with a compromise. Who’s suggesting you push it out to 2013? Your wedding is not a joke and you should be able to celebrate it in a way that exceeds city hall but staysaway from a large traditional wedding. if that’s what you truly want in your heart…but there are many ‘in between’ options you can discuss….and I too wouldn’t want a long engagement after a long courtship….so I know how you feel.
I have known my Fiance for 10 years now…though we started off as friends our romance and courtship has been extremely slow budding. I never wanted to push him into marriage but couldn’t see myself with anyone else so I stayed patient. Once I had the ring I couldn’t wait to do it but somehow ended up with a 2 year engagment because I really wanted a big wedding…and I am kinda sad I’ll be 30 by the time I get married but who cares if I can’t say I was in my twenties…and who will really be thinking of my age anyway. But my Fiance was on board with the big wedding….if he wasn’t I would chose another route.
he probably really put himself out there and put his trust in you when he decided it was time to commit to this relationship. It’s not an easy choice for some men…so have your wedding but keep him in mind. Some men have the additude of “oh, I’ll just show up”…and some men like your Fiance have a picture in their mind of how they’d like to celebrate their wedding day……it’s kinda nice that it matters to him at all really.
First, be sure this is what you really want. Sometimes we want something for so long we forget why we wanted it in the first place when we fianlly get it…so try and remember why you are marrying this man and if you no longer have those feelings, it’s time to rethink things.
Post # 9
Well the silver lining is that he isn’t calling the marriage off just the celebration of it…men aren’t too fond of wedding parties and all the money “wasted” on them.
Post # 10
Sounds like he’s a very practical, logical guy, and from a practical, logical perspective, I can see how a wedding might seem frivolous to him. You also mention that he’s shy… I can imagine how a shy person would hate to have the spotlight on them for a whole day, be surrounded by lots of people they may not know well etc. I’ve seen posts by bees who have social anxiety, perhaps do a search for them and see what advice people gave them? There may be some strategies you can mention to your fiance to make him feel more comfortable (not saying he has social anxiety, just think there may be some value in having a read of similar posts)
I agree with PP that there can be a balance between the big white wedding and city hall. Think of what elements of the wedding are truly important to you: the dress, photographer, having everyone you love surround you, etc etc. Tell him what each of these things means to you. A logical person will probably need more than just “I’ve always dreamed of this day”.
Post # 12
My fiance told me as soon as we got engaged that he didn’t want a big wedding. Neither did I. We’re only inviting our parents, and getting married in a gorgeous old B&B. I’m getting the fancy dress, photographer, my dream cake.
It sounds like maybe your plans are too over the top for your fiance’s comfort. Try talking to him about doing something more low-key, and I think there’s a good chance he’ll act more interested. It is possible to meet somewhere between the BWW and a courthouse wedding.
Post # 13
Your Fiance sounds a little like mine. We met online, he is shy, not religious, and doesnt like weddings. After a lot of discussion, he said he would rather go to city hall, but won’t, since I want a small wedding. I kind of wanted to go to city hall, too, but since I am the only girl in the family I thought it was important to have a wedding of some sort.
I think the only way I got my Fiance to agree to a wedding is due to the fact that I let some things go and compromised with him on a lot. For example, we are having a small event (less tha 70 guests!), non-religious ceremony, not doing personalized vows, instead, we are writing what we would say in a letter and giving it to each other beforehand to always keep, since he is nervous about saying such personal things in public. These are just a few of the things that we ocmpromised on.
Ask your Fiance if there is a way to meet in the middle. A lot of times I have found that it isn’t the wedding itself that scares the guy, it is all the traditions that come with it that make them uncomfortable and seem stupid. I bet you can come up with a middle ground that he would agree to.
Post # 14
@winerygirl:Thank you for sharing…I really appreciate you taking the time and finding the post for me 🙂
Post # 15
OMG- you ladies are really helping me out. I felt like I had noone to turn to beause I am sure my friends are sick of me whinning about our relationship. I have done some thinking and probably would hold off on the wedding. I forgot to mention we had our engagement party and he said it was ok but could tell by his face that he was not enjoying it as muh as me. I will keep you all posted on our progress.