Post # 1
Hello everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read. A little background about me and my fiance. We have been engaged for 4 years. Planning to get married within the next 2 years. I am from a quite traditional family whereas he and his family are just whatever. His parents show no interests in our lives and wedding, whereas my parents expect me to have a traditional Chinese wedding or else they will literally disown me.
My fiance does not want to do any of those ceremonial stuff, such as serving teas to elderly, banquet. He said it is a waste of time and see no point in it. He also said those stuff give him anxiety because he does not know anyone there. He rather us go sign the paper, go for honeymoon, take wedding pictures without anyone involved. I know those are important to me too, but coming from a Chinese family, it is a must to serve tea and pay respect. I have already agreed that we will not have a banquet, but we must have a ceremony because it is important to me. I want to pay respect to my parents and relatives. He said what is the point of doing those stuff when he most likely will not see my relatives ever again. Plus, it will give him anxiety being in front of strangers doing things that he has never done before. He also does not want to do it because his parents will not be there either, so why bother? I understand where he is coming from. I do not want to make him feel awkward doing those things because it is gonna be his first time. But having a small ceremony is not so much to ask right? I am only asking for one hour of his time to be with my family and relatives, which is less than 20 people.
I feel like if I do not serve tea to my parents and relatives, it is very disrespectful. I do not want to disappoint my parents even more. They do not know that I will not be having a banquet yet… parents will literally disown me if I do not do anything for my wedding. Plus, I will get backlash from my relatives saying I am not filial, etc. I do not know what to do? How can my fiance and I compromise on this? I have already compromised not to have a banquet. However, we must do a wedding ceremony because it is important to me and my family. Fiance said I should care about his feelings because he will not be happy that day doing things he does not want to do. He will resent me from this. How about me? I will most likely resent him from this because I do not get to pay back respect to my parents and relatives. I feel it is the very least I can do for my parents because I won’t be having a banquet to make them happy. I am trying to please everyone here but the one suffering the most is me. I am so sad and stressed out every day trying to think what I should do. Please help and thank you!
Post # 2
Bee, the most important thing to take into account here is that this is important to you. That alone should be enough to make it important to him. It doesn’t matter if he’ll feel awkward or uncomfortable, it doesn’t matter if his family won’t be there “so what does it matter anyway”–this matters to you. This matters to your family. While it’s not great that your family would “literally disown you” for not doing it, if the tea ceremony is something that you genuinely want to do, he should be willing to participate.
Relationships are not one-sided, it is not all about him, and in no way is what you are asking for unreasonable. My FH is Indian and his mom would like us to take part in a number of important cultural traditions on the day. Do these traditions hold any meaning for me as a white girl? Not yet. But I am so excited to take part in them to show respect and embrace my new family and their own traditions, just as I hope they are excited to take part in my family’s traditions.
Your fiance is being a dick. Plain and simple. If he “can’t be bothered” to take part in something this important to you, than you both need to reasses your relationship. Talk to him about it, explain how important it is to you, and if he still won’t budge, I’d take a long, hard look at the man you’re planning to marry.
Post # 3
You should not have to give up everything that matters to you and your culture to appease him. Having just the small ceremony and skipping the banquet is a reasonable compromise. If he cannot make a reasonable compromise for you now, knowing how important it is to you and your family, I wouldn’t expect much from your future together. So sorry, Bee. Marry someone who cares at least as much about your happiness as he does about his own.
Post # 4
I posted on your last thread but I think it was deleted right away. I disagree slightly with pps. Yes your Fiance should care about your feelings, but your feelings are that your parents will disown you if you don’t do this. It sounds like he feels like theyre holding a gun to your head and he doesnt want to cave to that. Add that to the fact that his family isn’t invited or involved in the cremony, I can see why he doesn’t want to do it.
Post # 5
You are not asking for too much and frankly he is being an asshole about it.
Post # 6
It was super important to my fiance’s family that we have a Catholic ceremony. It was a total pain (several days worth of pre cana classes / meetings that I had to fly cross country for) and very expensive, but I did it because it was important to my fiance and his family.
The fact that your fiance will not compromise for one hour to serve tea to 20 of your family members is really telling. I would seriously think about whether this is the type of person you want to spend your life with (and possibly have kids with). He seems very rigid, difficult, and self-absorbed.
Post # 8
dchieu21 : No point in culture???????? what.
Without culture and tradition we would all end up praising Kardashians and Taylor Swift as our god, looking the same while we fight about who got more likes on instagram.
Your fiance is being insanely short-sighted and ignorant about all this… and also its important to YOU. what more does he want? you are not asking to ride in on a pony.. you are asking to honor and respect culture and tradition that are imporant to you and your family.. aka his future in laws.. you would think that would matter to him.. huge red flag
Post # 8
Ok # 1, you are a grown adult who doesn’t need to do anything just because it makes her family happy. If you aren’t mature enough to have your own life, and be able to say no to things your family tries to control than you aren’t mature enough to get married.
You should do only the things that you yourself believe in, and things that are important to you spefically. If your parents weren’t around would you want to do any of those things? Are you planning on adhering to that religion after you are married? if you don’t even practice the religion in your daily life, it is also strange to feel you must do it when it isn’t really how you live.
#2 There should be compromise yes. The ceremony sounds like a good compromise. If you two have trouble communicating or compromising than get some help. See a counselor, talk through your ideas of marriage and what that means. You would be suprised to know how many people get married without discussing with each other what they think the role of a wife is, what the role of a husband is, and if you both see it the same way or not. Because if you both saw the role of a wife as two completely different things than you shouldnt get married. Talk it through. Specifically discuss with him if you are intending to spend your entire marriage and life bending to do things just to make your family happy. To me that would be an enormous deal breaker.
I am an independent woman, if my family tried to control me in any way shape or form I wouldn’t stand for it. A good parent doesn’t manipulate, shame, or disown their kids..EVER. Period.
Post # 9
supertrooper0101 : Just wanted to say that any culture that threatens disowning your children if they don’t adhere to it? That isn’t tradition or culture, that is manipulation and shitty parenting.
Post # 10
Is he Chinese or from a different culture? Can you just do a private tea ceremony with just the parents and no one else? Surely he knows your parents??
Also does he not want a ceremony of any kind (not even the western one)? Because he has anxiety?
FWIW, I’m Chinese and we didn’t have a tea ceremony or anything remotely Chinese cultural (nothing red, no banquet, it was a small cocktail reception at one of our favourite bars), my parents and relatives didn’t care, my parents just said to plan it however Darling Husband and I liked it and don’t mind about them. I did worry that my relatives from China wouldn’t understand and would be judgemental, my dad just said never mind about them it’s your day.
That is not to say your parents would be unreasonable to prefer something traditional, but you’re not being unfilial (if that’s a word) by not serving tea on your big day. Filial is not about doing everything your parents want and never act otherwise. It’s simply about respecting and taking care of your parents. If you do that day to day, I really don’t think tea or no tea on one day is representative of how you treat your parents.
Post # 11
My older cousin (who is not Chinese) married a Chinese guy. And she understood how important it was for him to do the tea ceremony, have a Chinese food and for her to wear a red cheongsam. She of course wanted the traditional “western” wedding with the white dress she was accustomed to. So they compromised and the wedding turned into a whole day event.
Late morning, we did a tea ceremony with only family and bridal party at her house after the groom and his entourage came to the house bringing gifts. Afterwards, we had a dim sum type lunch to pay homage to his roots. Later in the afternoon, they had their western ceremony with an officiant and traditional reception. Then after the first dance and dinner, my cousin changed from her white gown into a red cheongsam for cake cutting, bouquet toss and dancing. It was a good compromise.
Post # 12
mrsssb : it seems pretty disrespectful for you to denigrate someone else’s culture and to call her parents shitty. Being seen to pay respect is huge in some cultures, especially Chinese/Japanese. If you are American, you most likely cannot understand this as Americans (and most Western cultures) are very ME focused. It seems like her family is not asking for much and the groom should compromise.
Post # 13
I guess i don’t/have never understood the whole “disown me” thing…
What does that even mean?? Who cares?? They’re gonna not love you bc you don’t do something at your wedding?? I dont get it. I 100% understand the cultural respect aspect, but i don’t understand what they can possibly do to you if you don’t.
Does it mean they’re going to write you out of their will? You wont get the inheritance you feel you were entitled to?? What is it?? Sounds overly dramatic to me. I see both sides, but tbh this is something you guys should’ve talked about a WHILE ago once you realized you were serious. Or at the very least, beore a proposal.
Also, he doesnt know you/care about you enough if he’s not understanding why this is important to you.
Post # 14
I’m thinking the “literally disown me” statements are a bit of hyperbole that is throwing people off, OP.
Is your Fiance not Chinese? It seems that he doesn’t have an accurate understanding of the significance of these ceremonies and rituals (along with several of the people responding on this thread). You need to have further discussions with him and find a compromise, but I think it’s important to point out that his dismissive comments and self centered approach (as you have described them) do not bode well for your marital future. His comfort is not the only matter of significance here, especially given that you were willing to compromise already and he’s still bitching and moaning about doing ANYTHING. At what point is he willing to suck it up and do something for you and your family?. Be wary of marrying someone doing this ir be prepared to do a LOT of swallowing your feelings about things in coming years.
Also- that dismissive “he says why bother since he will never see my family again.” Red flag, OP.
Post # 15
If he has anxiety about being with 20 “strangers” who are actually your family. Tell him you have two years which is plenty of time to get to know all of them before hand. You can invite them in groups to your house for family dinners and if they live far away you can Skype or Facetime them.
Why bother? Because it is important to you and your family, which he is joining by marrying you. Does he really expect to never see your family again? Just because he has no relationship with his family does he expect you to have none with yours?
Major red flags here bee! “Fiance said I should care about his feelings because he will not be happy that day doing things he does not want to do. He will resent me from this.”
Your feeling matter, if paying respect and honoring your parents and having a ceremony is important to you he should want to do it for you. Sure he might be a little uncomfortable but he should be willing and happily do that for you because he loves you. I’d be questioning how much he loves you and what your future looks like if you marry and start a family with this guy as he seems to have no reguard for your family or your feelings.
You are willing to compromise and not have the banquet you want for him, but he is unwilling to happily compromise for you and will be resentful doing what would make you happy. It seems it is all about him. Which doesnt make a good life partner.
If you have already been engaged for four years is it possible he just doesnt want to get married?