Post # 1
I am newly engaged and have been with my fiancé for four years. I wanted to ask if anyone has married someone who was very sure they did not wants kids but they were on the fence.
My fiancé and I have a wonderful story of how we came to be and honestly he is the best boyfriend I have ever had. We just bought a house together and I will admit we are in that adjustment period of learning how to live together. We are both 36 and have lived very independently for our adult lives. He told me very early he did not want kids he was very sure about that and he has broken off relationships in his past due to differences in this area. He gets very upset (fear, defensive) if I bring it up. He is very happy with how we are now and likes our life and says we are a family.
I met him some years after a very unsuccessful relationship and I was just happy to see where it went which was very relaxing. I was very pleased with the direction he was going in his life, responsible, owned his home, wanted me to enjoy myself, we got to do some wonderful trips. Honestly in my life I had never thought about the possibility of not having kids and I hadn’t been a kid crazy person but I guess I had always thought of names and stuff like that. I think I would have been a good mom.
Fast forward to now we bought a house and made it through challenges thrown in our way. We are engaged and settled time to relax… And my thought is now what? I’m not sure what to do with myself. I am one of those planner people. I miss my parents terribly. We live in opposite ends of the state. I was always a super independent person and now I don’t know. I’ve been a little anxious lately. I worry will the two of us be enough for each other or will we have a closer connection during a crucial time couples with kids grow apart? I don’t really want to have kids right now but I often wonder if I feel sad because the cards I got dealt came with a choice. There was no compromise it was the great guy no kids or try your luck again and I wasn’t much of a dater either.
I just want to make sure we do things that are fulfilling in an emotional way that I would imagine it’s like to be a mom, I guess a compromise, I know motherhood is in its own ballpark. We want to travel that is a priority for both of us, retire early or pusue something else. I also think I want to move back to my hometown and be close to my parents when they are old and we can retire.
I just wonder what life is like for other no kid couples and what their dreams are for their life? How much time do they spend together? Do they work a lot or are very busy? Do they get bored?
I also wonder what it’s like during the engagement period. Pinterest makes it look like champagne and diy nights but I wonder if other people are going through thoughts about marriage and their life. No one talks about it.
Post # 2
Well, do YOU want children? You never addressed that.
Post # 3
meliboo : I honestly always wanted to get married and always wanted a great relationship. That’s what I always dreamt about. When I was a kid and played house or dolls it was always about being married. Kids were there but I didn’t know they could be an option really. So honestly I don’t really know if I do and i feel kinda weird to not know. Like I should know so most of the time I don’t really think about it.
Post # 4
moonzie : I’ll be brutally honest with you – if right this minute you don’t want to have kids (which is what I’m reading), you probably just shouldn’t, at all. Which means you are fine with your fiance. Yes there are tons of older moms who brought wonderful kiddos into this world. But the older you are, the higher the risk. I’m just starting to try now at 35 and it’s one of my greatest fears. Mostly b/c I work with special needs kids so a) I’ve seen what can happen and b) I’d have to quit my career rather than do special needs 24/7 – everyone needs a respite somehow. So let’s say you’re 36 now and in 3 years you want kids… now you’re 39, giving birth at 40. Personally at that point I’d say just adopt someone rather than take the chance.
[in case of lash back, this is my personal viewpoint from personal experiences. Obviously it works out just fine for some, including my Mother-In-Law whose kids are all awesome. My opinion is my own and OP can do whatever she likes, as can other posters]
OP, if you are worried about too much alone time, the easy solution is to save up, take trips to see your family both together and alone, get a bunch of fun hobbies again together and alone, hang with the girls, plan fun dates or dinners. See the world together (that’s what my cousin and his wife do and they’re having a blast, it seems). There’s a lot more to life than just kids and there’s a lot more to relationships than using kids for glue.
Post # 5
moonzie : As long as you and your fiancé are on the same page with not having children.
I imagine that without kids you can save a lot more money and travel more. You won’t have to worry about leaving kids or taking them with you. I think it could be fun just for you and him: imagine all the things you guys could do together! Nice furniture, cleaner house and quiet! And, you could always get some furry friends too!
Post # 6
I’ve always been no kids (never on the fence) and I’ve gotta say I love my life! I have a great husband (together for over 13 years, married 1 year), cute cat babies, a house, freedom, and free time! We both work 40ish hours a week and outside of work (same company and office but different departments) we hang out or do hobbies.
Not sure about people on the fence but since I’ve never wanted children (even growing up) I don’t feel a sense off”loss”. Just make sure you both are on the same page and enjoy each other!
Post # 7
I am 37, my husband is 42. We have been married almost 7 years, together for 8. We are childfree, though that is really because I was one who said no kids, my husband would have likely had them if I had wanted them.
To answer your questions, we have many dreams and goals, just none that involve children; for me those are more in the realm of nightmares. Yes, we work a lot as we both enjoy it, and we also in addition to that run our own business. But we also have plenty of time for play, and each other. We travel, enjoy our shared hobby together a lot of the time, work on our business, spend time talking, sharing, dreaming. Doing really whatever we want. We do have an adorable cat who we spoil with love and affection. My husband and I are best of friends, very bonded, and I feel no sense of anything being “missing” or concerns about a childfree future (indeed I relish it). We ARE a family as is.
Post # 8
I think you really need to search your soul as to if you want kids or not. It’s not too late right now but another 4/5 years and it could well be. Put it this way… imagine yourself at 42 and childless…. please make sure you are 100% certain because I see women break their hearts when they realise they wanted children too late.
If you are 100% sure then you can fill your life with all sorts of things! Is it the same? No, but that doesn’t mean that’s bad if that is what you want.
Post # 9
skunktastic : Brutally honest is very helpful. I need to hear it. I tend to over analyze things. You are right I am worried about too much time alone. I think that is where I get into the rabbit hole.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
moonzie : Maybe you’d find it fulfilling to travel together, or go on a road trip, get a dog, do jigsaws together.. I don’t know. You don’t have to have kids just to feel fulfilled, and they do grow up and leave some day. Talk to your fiance about what his life goals are 🙂
Post # 11
moonzie : Something to think about- you can be alone/lonely and unfulfilled being married with kids as well.
Post # 12
What struck me most about your post was the worry that your husband isn’t/won’t be enough. I feel that if you feel that way there are bigger/deeper issues. I also think having children to fill a void/potential void is just a terrible idea; IMPO the only good reason to have children is because you want them. Having them because you fear old age/being lonely etc just seems (to me) like a recipe for disaster.
My husband and I are both CFBC. We did go through a phase of assuming we would have children, but when I realised you actually (gasp!) don’t HAVE to have children, and discovered CFBC groups and forums, I actually thought about it and realised I didn’t want them. Had my husband not been OK with that, I would have ended the relationship (we were engaged at the time, and had been together approaching 6 years).
We are now very happily CFBC. Our lives are anything BUT boring or empty. We have date nights/days, we go out lots, we can stay up late binge watching our favourite shows and then have a lie-in the next day, we go abroad several times a year and on last-minute mini-breaks if we have a spare weekend… It’s great. We are probably just as busy as those we know with children, but the difference is we are busy doing what WE enjoy, and are not busy parenting (obviously loads of people love being a parent and being busy with their kids, but we prefer to fill our time with other pursuits).
I would really analyse your feelings on this; if your primary concern is being bored, then there are many ways you can address that without having children.
Post # 13
moonzie : addressing the on the fence and no kids part. One of my good friends married a guy who wanted kids, she didn’t. She had told him she was on the fence and my understanding is he told her he would be happy either way. They had a lot of rocky times and ended up having kids. She didn’t really want them, now she has them and she doesn’t enjoy life. They’re a burden for her. Sont get me wrong, she somehow still manages to be a good mom, but she’s just given up on herself and her wants/needs and it’s pretty horrible to watch her go through it. She’s in a major depression and has horrible anxiety that’s resulted in some serious health issues.
So, if you DO want kids, which I’m honestly gathering from your post. Don’t put yourself in the situation to regret your life and your decisions. Also, don’t put your Fiance in that position of getting married and then addressing the subject. Yeah, he doesn’t want to talk about it, but too bad he’s an adult in an adult relationship and you deserve to have a voice. Will he change his mind? Probably not. I too have broken off many relationships because the guy wanted kids, and honestly it was the best thing that ever happens to me because I met the perfect guy who also doesn’t want kids and won’t ever pressure me or put me in a situation to have to choose between kids I don’t want and him. Which, honestly I’ve been in that situation before. I had a guy tell me, I’ll either have kids with him or we won’t be together. I got up and walked out and never talked to him again.
I hope this helps.
Post # 14
Hi ya I am in the exact same predicament and I’m getting married next march. Worried so much for so longabout what I’ll do after the wedding. All my friends are having kids now too and I’m all of a sudden expendable to their lives. They are too busy having play dates. I became obsessed with the fact I’d be lonely with no kids and friends too busy etc…..But u know what I did. I broke it down. When I’m with my fiancé. Just us. Our life together is exactly what I want! Children although I always figured I’d have them, are not a must for me and not the be all and end all to have a happy life. Once I decided to stop over analysing things and decided to live my life I became a lot happier. I used to depend heavily on the idea of family and friends and I’ve realised you have to be happy with your own life as it is before you can deal with anything else. I recently lost a beloved cousin to suicide who lost both her parents and became obsessed with being alone(even though she had an amazing new husband who worshipped her)!It’s scary to think about the future without what people think is the “perfect marriage”, good house husband kids. You are going against this perfect ideal that society would say we all have to have.
Do what makes you happy! If he makes you happy then there’s your answer. I’d do anything for my fiancé and him for me(he has his reasons for no kids and I understand them all) and I know we’all be very happy so long as we work together.
Post # 15
If I were you, I would consider adoption of an older child/teenager in case you ever feel like you need something to fulfil your family. You don’t sound crazy about becoming a mother and all that. Adopting is giving someone family who needs it, instead of creating someone who will need you. Just enjoy life as it is right now, but I encourage a discussion of adoption with your FH.