(Closed) Fiancé does not want kids

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Well, do YOU want children? You never addressed that. 

Post # 4
Member
6357 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

moonzie :  I’ll be brutally honest with you – if right this minute you don’t want to have kids (which is what I’m reading), you probably just shouldn’t, at all.  Which means you are fine with your fiance.  Yes there are tons of older moms who brought wonderful kiddos into this world. But the older you are, the higher the risk.  I’m just starting to try now at 35 and it’s one of my greatest fears.  Mostly b/c I work with special needs kids so a) I’ve seen what can happen and b) I’d have to quit my career rather than do special needs 24/7 – everyone needs a respite somehow.  So let’s say you’re 36 now and in 3 years you want kids… now you’re 39, giving birth at 40.  Personally at that point I’d say just adopt someone rather than take the chance.

[in case of lash back, this is my personal viewpoint from personal experiences.  Obviously it works out just fine for some, including my Mother-In-Law whose kids are all awesome.  My opinion is my own and OP can do whatever she likes, as can other posters]

OP, if you are worried about too much alone time, the easy solution is to save up, take trips to see your family both together and alone, get a bunch of fun hobbies again together and alone, hang with the girls, plan fun dates or dinners.  See the world together (that’s what my cousin and his wife do and they’re having a blast, it seems).  There’s a lot more to life than just kids and there’s a lot more to relationships than using kids for glue.

Post # 5
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

moonzie :  As long as you and your fiancé are on the same page with not having children. 

I imagine that without kids you can save a lot more money and travel more. You won’t have to worry about leaving kids or taking them with you. I think it could be fun just for you and him: imagine all the things you guys could do together! Nice furniture, cleaner house and quiet! And, you could always get some furry friends too! 

Post # 6
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’ve always been no kids (never on the fence) and I’ve gotta say I love my life! I have a great husband (together for over 13 years, married 1 year), cute cat babies, a house, freedom, and free time! We both work 40ish hours a week and outside of work (same company and office but different departments) we hang out or do hobbies. 

Not sure about people on the fence but since I’ve never wanted children (even growing up) I don’t feel a sense off”loss”. Just make sure you both are on the same page and enjoy each other!

Post # 7
Member
5163 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am 37, my husband is 42. We have been married almost 7 years, together for 8. We are childfree, though that is really because I was one who said no kids, my husband would have likely had them if I had wanted them. 

To answer your questions, we have many dreams and goals, just none that involve children; for me those are more in the realm of nightmares. Yes, we work a lot as we both enjoy it, and we also in addition to that run our own business. But we also have plenty of time for play, and each other. We travel, enjoy our shared hobby together a lot of the time, work on our business, spend time talking, sharing, dreaming. Doing really whatever we want. We do have an adorable cat who we spoil with love and affection. My husband and I are best of friends, very bonded, and I feel no sense of anything being “missing” or concerns about a childfree future (indeed I relish it). We ARE a family as is.

Post # 8
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think you really need to search your soul as to if you want kids or not. It’s not too late right now but another 4/5 years and it could well be. Put it this way… imagine yourself at 42 and childless…. please make sure you are 100% certain because I see women break their hearts when they realise they wanted children too late.

If you are 100% sure then you can fill your life with all sorts of things! Is it the same? No, but that doesn’t mean that’s bad if that is what you want.

Post # 10
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

moonzie :   Maybe you’d find it fulfilling to travel together, or go on a road trip, get a dog, do jigsaws together.. I don’t know. You don’t have to have kids just to feel fulfilled, and they do grow up and leave some day. Talk to your fiance about what his life goals are 🙂

Post # 11
Member
8999 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

moonzie :  Something to think about- you can be alone/lonely and unfulfilled being married with kids as well.

Post # 12
Member
6305 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

What struck me most about your post was the worry that your husband isn’t/won’t be enough. I feel that if you feel that way there are bigger/deeper issues. I also think having children to fill a void/potential void is just a terrible idea; IMPO the only good reason to have children is because you want them. Having them because you fear old age/being lonely etc just seems (to me) like a recipe for disaster. 

My husband and I are both CFBC. We did go through a phase of assuming we would have children, but when I realised you actually (gasp!) don’t HAVE to have children, and discovered CFBC groups and forums, I actually thought about it and realised I didn’t want them. Had my husband not been OK with that, I would have ended the relationship (we were engaged at the time, and had been together approaching 6 years). 

We are now very happily CFBC. Our lives are anything BUT boring or empty. We have date nights/days, we go out lots, we can stay up late binge watching our favourite shows and then have a lie-in the next day, we go abroad several times a year and on last-minute mini-breaks if we have a spare weekend… It’s great. We are probably just as busy as those we know with children, but the difference is we are busy doing what WE enjoy, and are not busy parenting (obviously loads of people love being a parent and being busy with their kids, but we prefer to fill our time with other pursuits). 

I would really analyse your feelings on this; if your primary concern is being bored, then there are many ways you can address that without having children.

Post # 13
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

moonzie :  addressing the on the fence and no kids part. One of my good friends married a guy who wanted kids, she didn’t. She had told him she was on the fence and my understanding is he told her he would be happy either way. They had a lot of rocky times and ended up having kids. She didn’t really want them, now she has them and she doesn’t enjoy life. They’re a burden for her. Sont get me wrong, she somehow still manages to be a good mom, but she’s just given up on herself and her wants/needs and it’s pretty horrible to watch her go through it. She’s in a major depression and has horrible anxiety that’s resulted in some serious health issues. 

So, if you DO want kids, which I’m honestly gathering from your post. Don’t put yourself in the situation to regret your life and your decisions. Also, don’t put your Fiance in that position of getting married and then addressing the subject. Yeah, he doesn’t want to talk about it, but too bad he’s an adult in an adult relationship and you deserve to have a voice. Will he change his mind? Probably not. I too have broken off many relationships because the guy wanted kids, and honestly it was the best thing that ever happens to me because I met the perfect guy who also doesn’t want kids and won’t ever pressure me or put me in a situation to have to choose between kids I don’t want and him. Which, honestly I’ve been in that situation before. I had a guy tell me, I’ll either have kids with him or we won’t be together. I got up and walked out and never talked to him again. 

I hope this helps. 

Post # 14
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Hi ya I am in the exact same predicament and I’m getting married next march. Worried so much for so longabout what I’ll do after the wedding. All my friends are having kids now too and I’m all of a sudden expendable to their lives. They are too busy having play dates. I became obsessed with the fact I’d be lonely with no kids and friends too busy etc…..But u know what I did. I broke it down. When I’m with my fiancé. Just us. Our life together is exactly what I want! Children although I always figured I’d have them, are not a must for me  and not the be all and end all to have a happy life. Once I decided to stop over analysing things and decided to live my life I became a lot happier. I used to depend heavily on the idea of family and friends and I’ve realised you have to be happy with your own life as it is before you can deal with anything else. I recently lost a beloved cousin to suicide who lost both her parents and became obsessed with being alone(even though she had an amazing new husband who worshipped her)!It’s scary to think about the future without what people think is the “perfect marriage”, good house husband kids. You are going against this perfect ideal that society would say we all have to have.

Do what makes you happy! If he makes you happy then there’s your answer. I’d do anything for my fiancé and him for me(he has his reasons for no kids and I understand them all) and I know we’all be very happy so long as we work together. 

Post # 15
Member
593 posts
Busy bee

If I were you, I would consider adoption of an older child/teenager in case you ever feel like you need something to fulfil your family. You don’t sound crazy about becoming a mother and all that. Adopting is giving someone family who needs it, instead of creating someone who will need you. Just enjoy life as it is right now, but I encourage a discussion of adoption with your FH. 

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