Post # 1
So I’m unofficially engaged to my bf and needed advice on dealing with a friend of mine. She just got engaged a couple of months ago and already has it in her mind that I will be her maid of honor. I unofficially accepted via telephone when she told me about her engagement. She won’t be getting married at the earliest November of 2013. The problem is, we’ve been drifting apart. More or less she’s been selfish about herself, her engagement, and her fiance and its been driving me nuts. We’ve been friends since middle school and its just been assumed that we’d be eachothers maids of honor. My bf does not like her at all. I will say she is a person of aquired taste. He does not want her in the wedding party and would prefer her to not be at the wedding at all. I’m torn between the man I love and the friend that I’ve had for ages. And how can I get married before her and not have her in my wedding if she thinks I’m going to be her maid of honor. I mean I wouldnt be heartbroken if she wasnt at my wedding, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings… What should I do?
Post # 3
If she’s asked you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor she is still under the impression that your friendship is pretty strong. If you’re thinking one way and she’s thinking the other, there’s obviously a lack of communication going on. Regarding the selfishness, I know from reading many, many posts here regarding friends and engagements how easy it is for a girl to get wrapped up in her engagement/wedding planning and leave friends feeling hurt/unhappy in the mix. If she’s recently engaged, she’s probably still in her excitement mode so you might want to cut her some slack. Otherwise, you really need to talk to her so she can understand where you’re coming from. She might not even realize that she’s doing/saying things to alienate you. Friendships can and do drift apart, but it’s entirely possible to come back together if both parties are willing (and of course, that’s not always the case).
If you don’t want to fix the friendship and truly feel that you don’t want her in your wedding party and don’t want to be in hers, then you still need to have a discussion so she isn’t blindsighted by the whole thing. If you don’t invite her to your wedding, there’s going to be hurt to deal with there and your friendship may not recover – so just be prepared for that.
Post # 4
wow, thats a tricky situation.
Personally, I don’t see why she can’t be at least a guest at your wedding. I know your said your Fiance doesn’t like her, but i’m sure 95% of Bees have had someone at their wedding they didn’t like. It’s not like he has to hang out with her all night. He, and you, will barely interact with her if she is just a guest.
As for the bridesmaid..or Maid/Matron of Honor thing, that’s up to you. If you feel you are drifting apart but want to reconnect this might be a good way to bond again. But if you’d rather not associate with her anymore, maybe it’s timeto let her go.
Is this selfishness she’s been exhibiting normal for her? or is this a recent thing that happened when she got engaged? if it’s recent, it might just blow over soon. A lot of people act differently when they are getting married. Especially people that are rarely in the spotlight. They enjoy having the attention they haven’t experienced before.
Post # 5
@Woodstock: You’re not obligated to have her as your maid of honour. If you wouldn’t be heartbroken if she skipped your wedding entirely, that’s a pretty low level of friendship to be making her a maid of honour, I would say.
You say you’ve drifted apart a little, your Fiance doesn’t like her but you’re torn between them, but she would be heartbroken, but you maybe don’t even care if she comes to the wedding. I think you need to set aside her possible heartbreak AND your FI’s dislike of her for a moment and think about how YOU feel. Based only on your friendship with this woman, is she the person you want as your MOH? Only you can answer that. (If the answer is yes, I wouldn’t worry too much about your FI’s dislike of her – her being your Maid/Matron of Honor will affect him not at all. Unless she’s actually disrespectful to him or makes him uncomfortable somehow, I would just say “I know you’re not MOH’s biggest fan, but she’s my best/dearest/longest-held friend and it’s important to me that she stand up for me at the wedding.”)
So, I would say, don’t have her in the wedding if the only reason you would is because otherwise she’ll be sad. Don’t ban her from the wedding based on your FI’s dislike of her (unless, as noted before, she is disrespectful to him).
And if you don’t want to be in her wedding, tell her so now. It’s okay to retract your acceptance of the Maid/Matron of Honor role, especially so far in advance. (And you did accept over the phone, there’s no notarized letter requirement so I’m not sure how you could unoffically accept!)
Post # 6
I would definitely say it’s not a recent thing. It happened a bit more through college, after graduating it was better good for a while then she met her Fiance and started blowing me off a lot. Essentially our frindship has always been on and off and its always been hard for me. She had such a whirlwind romance (got engaged very very shortly after meeting her FI) that I haven’t really had time to express that to her and then she got engaged and assumed I’d be her Maid/Matron of Honor.
Two other factors playing into this decision I only want 3 BMs to keep it small and not having her in the party makes the Bridesmaid or Best Man decision so much easier. I do not imagine not inviting her to the wedding (i’m just going to tell the Fiance to suck it up. lol) so that is out of the question now. The other thing is I know if I have the wedding where I’m thinking of having it, I doubt she’d be able to afford to make it to the wedding (saving up for her own wedding and having a limited income) much less be able to afford bm dress and other things. I can’t afford to pay for her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 7
@Jillbean:when i say unofficially i mean she mentioned it over the phone while telling me she was engaged. I didnt say no, but didnt say yes. At the time there wasn’t even a date set.
Post # 8
@Jillbean: I agree, figure out how you feel and don’t worry about what your Fiance and this friend will think. If you want her as a guest, or in the wedding party, or if you don’t, then do what you feel is best. Fiance has a Groomsmen that I refuse to talk to or be in the same room with, I dislike him so much- he even nearly destroyed my relationship with Fiance at one point (though of course he’s apologized or Fiance wouldn’t be his friend). But who am I to tell Fiance his friend can’t stand up next to him? So I let it go. If you want this friend in the wedding party, that’s your choice. If you don’t, that’s fine- but do it for yourself then, not for anyone else.
ETA: As far as her feeling bad about not being in the wedding party… you can just tell her you wanted a small wedding party but you’d be happy to have her as a guest. Maybe offer to let her do a reading or help in some other way?
Post # 9
Some people can’t handle being a friend and being in a relationship at the same time. Or at least, it takes them awhile to balance it out. My best friend, who is also my Man of Honor got in a relationship in July/August, and I hear from him a lot less than I used to. We live very far apart, but used to call each other on the weekends. Now I hear from him maybe once a month. At first it bothered me, but then it was like “well, he found someone special and he’s happy” so i’ve made my peace with it. When we are together we just pick of where we left off and it’s like we were never apart. He’ll always be my best friend, even if we aren’t as close as we used to be.