Post # 1
I need some advice and your vote.
My Fiance and I are having an “unsolvable problem” that has gone on for a couple years now and has come back around to effect our reception plans.
For a few years now, my fiance has strongly disliked one of my best friends that I have known since high school and to which I was best man at his wedding. She feels that my friend doesn’t like her and ignores her on purpose which in turn makes her dislike him. Part of the problem is that I dropped the ball on confronting my friend about this. She feels that I also act different when this particular friend is around. I only see him a few times a year, but when he’s around she feels I ignore her and am not respectful of her. Of the handful of times he’s been around, there has been alcohol involved so this also plays on the situation. On a few occasions I’ve had too much to drink and have paid more attention to my friends than her.
So the bottom line is she doesn’t want to invite my good friend to the reception and of course I do. She’s afraid that it will ruin the recption and I will fall back into my habit of ignoring her and hanging out with the friend all night. I’ve promised this won’t happen, but she thinks otherwise. Her compromise is that I can still be friends with him, but he’s not invited to the receptoin. I feel this could put a perminent scar on our relationship, our new marriage and relationship with my friends and family. All of my friends and family really like this friend and if he wasn’t there I’m sure they will ask why he wasn’t invited, then what would I tell them? If I told them the truth, that would reflect poorly on myself and my future wife. If he is invited, she’s made it very clear how unhappy this will make her. I also feel that even after the reception is over, this issue will keep coming back up as I would like to continue to have him in my life, but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. So what to do? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it seems that is going to happen either way. I’ve read several other similar posts but figured I’d make one for my own and put it to a vote.
Thanks in advance for your advise and vote!
Post # 3
i voted yes, but its conditional. i think you need to carve out some time for your fiancee to see the goodness that you and your family see in this friend. make a point that NO alcohol is served, and make sure you tell both your wife and your friend how important it is that they can at least be in the same room together.
Post # 4
Yes. Your fiance shouldnt put you in the position of having to chose between her and your closest friend.
Post # 5
You are right, this will set a very weird tone and perception of your realtionship to your family & that friend.
Tell her that it is important to have him there (while I personal don’t think you should have to explain, perhaps providing reasons will help her understand.) It is your wedding too, and you should be able to have your best friends there, as does she.
If she is unwilling to compromise, then I don’t want to sound harsh, but you made your decision – you chose to marry a person who dictates whom you can/ can’t be friends. So, this makes the answer easy, you can’t invite him unless you want an upset wife.
Post # 6
Your closest friend should absolutely be there and I find it really sad that your fiance would ask you to choose between her and your closest friend.
Post # 7
She’s not really giving you any compromise at all. If you don’t invite him, I’m not sure your friendship will continue anyway.
Post # 8
Can you arrange a get together with you, your Fiance, your friend and their spouse? Maybe all hang out and try to have a nice, normal evening where no one gets too drunk, and you work on spending an appropriate amount of time with your friend and your FI?
And maybe you can also work on convincing your Fiance that your focus on your wedding day will be on her, and that friends are going to take a FAR back seat? It’s one thing to pay more attention to friends you barely see when it’s a random get together. But I can’t imagine that anyone would pay more attention to their friends at their own wedding. And maybe do some things on the day that’s just about you guys – have a first look, set aside time after the ceremony for just you too, go off and do pictures with just the two of you, etc. The day is about you as a couple, and friends are the frosting on the cake, not the main course.
Post # 9
In all honesty, I think she sounds needy. If this is a friend you don’t see often, she shouldn’t expect you to have all your focus on her the few times you do see your friend. Impo, one of the most important things in a relationship is to allow each other space.
I do think Future MrsB has a very good suggestion. Getting them together for a meal or something, with little to no alcohol involved, may be a good idea, to see if they can get along. After all, this is the woman you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and one of your closest friends, and anyone would want them to get along.
I voted to invite the friend. I would want my closest friends there at the wedding. If your fiancée lets it ruin her day, her focus is wrong as well. But do reassure her that she will be the most important person that day, and she will be the centre of your attention.
Post # 10
I didn’t vote becasue I feel like we’re missing part of the story. If my Fiance ignored me all night to talk about cars and man things with his buddy I’d be peeved, but no harm done.
If he got smashed, started hitting on girls or oogling girls and was being rude and disrespectful to me I’d have an issue as well. “If that’s who your going to be, that’s not the man I love and I can’t deal with that” sort of issue. I would feel like that man is more important then me if he refused to address these issues.
You have to understand her fear, if you haven’t had the guts to address boudries before, why would you start now?
EDIT: I think to get an honest female answer, you’re going to have to define “disrespectful”
That could me a lot of different things
Post # 11
This is a really tough one. On the one hand my first instinct was to say of course you should do whatever makes your bride the happiest, because it’s her wedding, too, and she should have some say over who’s invited. On the other hand, I feel your pain since he is your closest friend. It’s too bad your friend hasn’t made more of an effort to get to know your Fiance. I like a PP’s suggestion that you try to remedy it if you can by getting you all together and socializing before the wedding, so you can prove to your Fiance that you won’t fall back into your old habit of drinking too much with the friend and ignoring her and making her feel left out.
I don’t mean to give you too hard a time, but this is the consequence of your action of how you treated her in the past when he was around. I’m sure it was tricky but under no circumstances could I imagine my Fiance ignoring me to pay more attention to a friend. If he did, I’m sure my reaction would be just like your FI’s was. And think how you would feel if you were her. However, you did it and now this is the fallout.
I also wouldn’t put my Fiance in the position of having to choose, though, either. That isn’t fair to you since you’ve been friends with him longer. But, still, she is your wife-to-be and no bond on earth, with the exception of children, is closer than that one (or shouldn’t be, anyway). I feel for you and I hope the two of you can come to some conclusion or compromise to make this work. I will point out something that seems to be universal, though, and that is that usually after a couple becomes married their single friends seem to fade into the distance a little (or a lot). The couple is involved in their newly married state and discovering new horizons and the single lifestyle is no longer as appealing. The reason I’m mentioning that is if it comes down to you really have to choose, one or the other, my vote would be to do whatever makes your bride the most happy, because she is the one you’re going to be living with.
ETA: Oops, just saw that your friend is married so scratch the single-ness part.
Post # 12
Thank you all for your input so far! I really appreciate it as this situation weighs heavy on my heart.
I have tried to convince her that we need to go out to dinner with my friend and his wife and get to know him a little better so she can see his true side and vice versa. But she doesn’t want to. She feels that she’s been hurt enough and is done with trying to be friends with him. She doesn’t want to feel the way I’ve made her feel with him around anymore. She says that I can’t expect her to like everyone. I think I’ve blown my chances to make things right and she’s standing her ground. 🙁
Post # 13
I’m sure she would define my level of disrespect better than from my own point of view. On the occasions that have involved alcohol, there was no hitting on girls, talking to girls or anything of that sort. One instance was during a party we had over at the house, I had already been drinking and when this particular friend showed up she said that I focused most of my attention on him and talked to him most of the remainder of the night. She also said that my friend didn’t bother to say HI to her when he showed up and that it is disrepectful to not say HI or talk to one of the hosts of the party. She also said that she tried to get my attention about things during the party and helping out with a few matters and I ignored her. Which I see that as a problem on my end and not with my friend, but she see one in the same. On a more recent occurence, I had my friend and a couple other guys over to have a guys night. I again had too much to drink as i didn’t have to work the next day. When she came home she was ready for bed and asked me to have the guys wrap it up and go home so she could get some sleep. For some reason I time warped and didn’t relay the message to the guys so they ended up leaving much later and she was very upset.
Post # 14
I don’t think I’d marry somebody who felt entitled to decide who my friends are.
Post # 15
@Bomb80: If I may be so blunt: Man up. Talk to your friend. Is he purposely trying to single out your fiancee? It’s more than likely he’s not, he’s just a bit inconsiderate. If he has a problem with her, that’s when you really need to question whether he should be invited or not.
To be fair, though, it’s unfair of your fiancee to make your friend responsible for your behavior when you’re around him. That’s an issue between you and her, your friend just happens to be in the mix when this happens.
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Definitely invite him- it’s unreasonable and I can’t believe she thinks that at your own wedding you won’t be paying attention to your new WIFE. Maybe you can hang out with this friend and solve the issues by paying attention to her while he’s there before hand?
Also, what does she want you to do, not like your friends? She has to understand that when you only see someone every so often, you are going to pay more attention to them than someone you see every day.