Post # 1
So tonight my fiancé and I were making dinner and a show about Holy Madison being pregnant comes on. Now, I’ve never been huge on kids, but one day in the far future I’d like to have kids (I’m 26, FH is 31.) Latey though I’ve felt like my “clock” just kicked into gear and I et these little pings of desire to get pregnant and have Baby. I told my fiancé this and his response was essentially to snap out of it. I told him I didn’t mean anytime soon, but that I keep getting this feeling. I asked him if he saw children in our future to which he dryly replied no. I’m really bothered that he so matter-of-factory dismissed the idea of having kids and I don’t know where to go from here. Advice?
edit: Sorry about all the typos – autocorrect is not my friend tonight..
Post # 3
I think if one person wants to children and the other one doesn’t, it’s very hard to get past. Does he not want children *now* or *never*? You need to decide if you’re willing to forgo children for him if his answer is *never*. Don’t get married expecting him to change his mind. You might want to consider couples counseling to see if this is something you can work out, but it very well may not be. Having children with someone who doesn’t want them is not fair to him, you, or any future children.
Post # 4
I would forget about any attempts to get a different response out of him. He told you the truth in the most forthcoming way possible. The only thing left to do is decide whether you can see a happy life without children in your future, or if you need to look for a different future with someone else who does want children. I’m sorry this is happening, OP, but it’s best that he be honest and perfectly clear now than wait any longer. He has given you the best chance you have to make an informed decision.
Post # 5
You need to sit down with him asap and find out where he stands on this. Having kids or not is something you need to be one million percent on the same page about.
Post # 6
Yea….that’s kind of a deal breaker. If you want them and he doesn’t there aren’t many things that can happen. 1) you convince him to have them and he resents you or isn’t the father you want him to be so you start resenting him (and he possibly ends up leaving you as a single mother) or 2) he convinces you NOT to have them & you resent him and feel lonely and unfulfilled your whole life……or 3) you get married even though you have different future plans & end up divorced.
I would be halting my wedding plans right now if I were you. Please don’t take this lightly and don’t think it’s something you can change about him. He’s not a kid, he should know by 31 whether he wants kids or not (I would think! I don’t actually know any men who changed their minds about wanting/not wanting kids after 30)
Post # 7
@Cosette5: You need to have this discussion before marrying him. This is a major, major compatability issue.
I would advise not to marry someone who did not share your views on whether or not to have children.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@Cosette5: If he means that he never wants to have kids ever, period, it should be a deal breaker for you (even if you are sitting on the fence, which it doesn’t sound like). I suggest you think long and hard about having a future with this man, because it is not something that someone can compromise on. The other thing is if you supress this urge you may become resentful of him or he may become resentful if a baby does happen to come along. It’s just not a comrpomise – it either happens, or it doesn’t.
Post # 9
Thank you all for your input. I have to add that while I have the desire to have children one day, I’ve accepted the fact that it might not be I the cards with me. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 15 and since have been told I have PCOS So there’s a def chance I’m infertile (in which case I have no plans to adopt.) I just don’t like the idea that if I COULD have children, I may not have the option.
Post # 10
@Cosette5: i think this is something that should have been discussed before getting engaged. there is no compromise with this issue. you need to be on the same page. it’s not fair to the couple.
Post # 11
Oh no! 🙁 I’m so sorry. Had y’all not discussed this earlier in your relationship? If one person wants children and the other does not, that isn’t something you just get over. That’s one of the most important things for couples to be on the same page with. It would be a total dealbreaker for me. You two need to sit down and have a serious talk about this. Be cautious. One of my good friend’s cousin ran into a similar situation with her FI. They talked it over, he told her he changed his mind and wanted kids, so they went forward with the wedding. Less than a year later, when she brought up the subject of TTC, he immediately backtracked and went with his original “I don’t want kids.” Turns out, he told her he wanted them to “keep” her and thought once they got married and she realized he wasn’t going to change his mind, she would just give up!
Let’s just say that didn’t work out well for either party involved…
Not saying that will happen to you, but you do need to have a very serious series of talks on this subject and reach a situation that leaves you both happy, or you need to move on and find someone who wants children like you do.
Post # 12
@AllieANT: it has been discussed lightly, and he’s always said not anytime soon, but one day. I think that’s why I was so caught off guard tonight. He’s even said to me before that he would love to coach little league and stuff like that should we have kids.
Post # 13
I’m sort of in the same situation. I love love love kids but I don’t think I’m ready for them now, and FI will flip flop and say “ah but we’re not having kids right?” and then another day will make references to moving to an area with good school district, coaching little league, etc.
I don’t think it needs to be as drastic as “let’s get counseling now” but it really depends on you. I’ve also sort of accepted that I love him so much that I think I rather have a life with him (and possibly without kids) than a life with kids but without him, so if it comes to no kids in future, I’d be okay. But the main thing is you have to be okay with this too or else it is a bit risky to enter a marriage like this.
On another note – the book Baby Proof by Emily Giffin talks about this exact situation – a good summer-y chick lit read
Post # 14
From reading all your posts here, it sounds like he likes the idea of kids someday, and you are leaning towards having kids sooner rather than later. It’s possible he feels pressured right now and is just forcing out a “no” to prevent having kids so soon. Honestly, you need to have a frank discussion with him- not just about whether you want kids or not period, but when you would like to have them.
If he doesn’t want kids and you do, I would consider that a total deal breaker. I know someone who was in that boat and went through with the marriage, even though she wanted kids and he didn’t. She was hoping he would change his mind. He didn’t. They divorced several years later, and she was heart-broken. Plus she never had kids afterward anyways, since she spent so much time in this kid-less marriage and was unable to move on.
If he does wants kids but wants to wait, and is serious about having them eventually, you should talk about a flexible timeline for it. If you want kids in 2 years, and he wants kids in 10, you’ll have to decide what your priorities are: having kids sooner, or waiting so you can try with your fiancee.
Now, your potential “infertile” card throws this for a loop, but I would be cautious about settling for a kid-less marriage if you want kids. Miracles happen, or you could feel a sudden urge to adopt. You never really know for sure.
Post # 15
@Cosette5: i just caution you in this situation. my dh was previously married and always wanted children (he would be a great dad). his first wife was just like your fi. kinda, maybe, probably. she said anything to get the ring on her finger. after the wedding, she basically said no. flat out no with zero discussion. my dh hoped she would change her mind over the years but finally grew to resent her. he finally accepted the fact that he was not going to be a dad and he left her for leading him on for so many years. i just feel really sorry for people in that situation. just be fully aware.
Post # 16
@Cosette5: don’t rule ur cards out no was told that during my teenage yrs… I also had cysts that burst that caused me scarring and an illness that did damage and here I am 10 yrs later with a 1yr old and Another on the way … That being said if u cn remotely see children in your future this relationship cnt work without a future of slight resentment. My case to u is to decide if u cn live with him and without kids if the answer is no u hav to take a step back from this relationship