(Closed) Fiancé doesn't want kids, but I do.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is indeed ONE of the HOT TOPICS that a couple SHOULD DISCUSS BEFORE GETTING ENGAGED (let alone married)

Because it truly can be a deal-breaker (as it should be if the two people have vastly different points of view on the subject)

Having kids is HUGE

It is something that will effect your ENTIRE LIFE… from 26 that you are now… right thru to your Senior Years and being alone without an extended family of children & grandchildren

(I am in my 50s, and now very much GET WHY women my age bug their married children about Grandkiddies… it is an element of life that we look forward to… something that keeps us young and vital, and makes life far more interesting / worth living)

If you are a YES or a MAYBE and he is a CONFIRMED NO… there is a potential HUGE problem in your future.

This will not “pass, go away, get easier”… more than likely your Ovaries wil just keep screaming louder and louder as you age… mine certainly did up until I was 40

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 18
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee

@Cosette5:  You need to decide this before you get married. I don’t blame him for shutting down the conversation. You either want kids, or you don’t. There is no in between.

Post # 19
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This is one of those things that are simply not solvable. If he truly doesn’t ever want kids, and you do, you must leave. There’s no way you can give that up.

Post # 20
Member
725 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Talk to him. For me, if my fiancé was adamant about not wanting children, it would be a deal-breaker.

Post # 21
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

This is something you should have figured out before you got engaged, and you NEED to figure out before you get married.  My Fiance and I have been together for 12 years (since I was 17) and one of the main reasons we haven’t already gotten married is that it took us a looooong time to come together on the kids issue.  You can have a perfect relationship in every way, but if you don’t agree on that fundamental issue, it’s not going to work.

Good luck!!!  xox

Post # 22
Member
3518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

As PP said, it’s dealbreaker material… this discussion must happen yesterday, or months ago, but at this point.. I guess it has to happen now! I know I’d never marry FH if he was sure he wanted kids. I feel lucky that I found someone else who doesn’t want kids, I feel like not wanting them is a very minority opinion…

Post # 23
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree with the other responses here… I had a Hyst 9 years ago so I can’t have any more kids.  My Fiance and I discussed this issue right up front (he is 36, never married, no kids).  His family confirmed what he had told me… that he has never wanted kids of his own (although he is thrilled that I have teenagers because he can relate to that age better than younger kids).  It’s so important to be on the same page with this issue now, rather than having heartbreak later. ****HUGS TO YOU****

Post # 24
Hostess
4996 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

If you’re interested in having children I would not accept “maybe” as an answer. You both need to be 100% on the same page before getting married. 

Post # 25
Member
2189 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agreeyou agree with others and you need to find out exactly what his intentions are, both for now and the long term future. best find out now so you can make a decision…if it is a deal breaker for you or not. 

Post # 26
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I totally understand why you are worried, but my best advice is this: Let yourself calm down a little bit. Collect your thoughts, and when you feel ready present your feelings to your Fiance. Present your feelings in a rational, and non confrontational manner. Have an open mind, so that neither of you feel pressured by emotions running high to say things that aren’t one hundred percent true. Explain how you feel about children, and then ask for clarification on his feelings, since he has been sending mixed messages. And see what happens. Prepare yourself to accept his answer and move forward from there, whatever that means for you. Don’t get yourself worked up before you try to have talk to him! It might not be a problem, but no matter what happens, the only that come from talking to him is good. Either it isn’t a problem and you can relax, or it is and you can decide how to deal with it. I’m sure everything will turn out okay! 

Post # 27
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Cosette5:  Do not be one of those women who marries a man who doesn’t want kids, thinking that you will change his mind. Here’s what will happen: after many fights about it, you will basically force him to have kids with you. Once the child is here, he might seem happy. Once the hard stuff comes, he’s disinterested and nowhere to be seen. You will become angry and resentful that he doesn’t help you out with the kids (and the house) and you have to do everything yourself while he gets to come home from work and watch football on the couch. Somehow, you think that having another child is a good idea. Because, well, you want another one. Then you are surprised again at how little he does for/with the new baby.He will resent you for making him have children he didn’t want, and he will resent the children…and that is not fair for you to do to children. This is an issue that splits many couples up. He will then go on to date someone who may or may not treat your children horribly, and all the while telling her that he never wanted children in the first place and you “oopsed” him.

Do not enter into a marriage with a man unless you two are on the SAME PAGE about having children.

I frequent a confession site and most of the moms on there feel the same way. The scenario I described above is the life stories of many of the women on that site. Nearly every single stepmom on that site say that her DH said he never wanted kids and biomom “oopsed” him and that somehow justifies her treating the kids horribly.

 

 

Post # 28
Member
1611 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

I could understand if he didn’t want kids now, but not at all when you do? That is not going to be a good marriage. If kids are important to one but the other doesn’t want them then I don’t see the relationship working out. This is a really, really big deal. And you shouldn’t have to compromise on something hugely important like that. It sounds like you two have different 10 year plans. I’d probably end that relationship and find someone else. I’m sorry. 🙁

Post # 29
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Cosette5:  Absolutely not trying to be rude, but didn’t you guys have this discussion before you got engaged? Understanding how my Fiance manages money, where he wants to live, how much he likes to travel, how he envisions our future, and whether or not he wants kids were all issues that we discussed well before we even considered marriage.

It’s very hard to compromise on a child – you can’t just have half of one 😛 I also think it is a poor compromise to have one just because one person wants one, or to not have any because one person doesn’t. That will leave someone feeling resentful about how their future is being played out. For me, this would be an issue I couldn’t get past – we would have to be in full agreement.

Post # 30
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee

You guys are getting married – FOREVER. Time to hammer out these details now before the big day. Whether you can or can’t have kids doesn’t matter, if you WANT them and he does NOT, then there’s an issue. It’s not impossible to have a child with endometriosis or PCOS, and if you want a child, then all the more reason to have a partner who’s on the same page as you and would be as willing, or not willing, to do whatever you could to have a child.

I’m concerned about my fertility, but if for one second I thought my Fiance wouldn’t want to have kids, I’d say peace out, and I’ve told him this.

Post # 31
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

This is not a matter of you want 3 kids and he only wants 1- and you guys come up with a compromise of 2 kids.  There is no way to compromise on this issue.  You need to address it befor eyou move ahead with this relationship.

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