(Closed) Fiancé doesn't want kids, but I do.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

As hard as it’s going to be, I don’t know if I would spend any more time in that relationship if I were you. And especially not marry him if he had such different views. You should N-E-V-E-R marry someone with hopes anything about them will change, because honestly in most cases nothing changes. This issue will later down the road cause a lot of tension and blame toward one of you. If you get pregnant and have a baby he will likely be upset with you, if you don’t and he never changes his mind you will resent him.

This is one of the major issues that can cause divorce and unhappy marriages. I wouldn’t say to cut him lose right this second but I would seriously reconsider marrying him. This is one conversation that should be discussed within the first year of dating so you both know if it’s going anywhere or not.

Post # 33
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My ex H vascilated between never wanting children and ‘maybe in the future’

I got pregnant after 2 forms of contraception failed.  Ex H immediately demanded I abort.  I know what it is like to be a resented and unwanted ‘mistake’ – neither of my parents wanted children, but my mother is a practising Catholic – and I wouldn’t have a child that was unwanted by it’s father.  I had the abortion, and although I have never regretted it, my marriage never was the same again.

You need your Fiance to be crystal clear on what his intentions are.  It is not fair of him to expect you to marry under a ‘maybe’ – it’s either yes or no. 

Post # 34
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Keep talking. Find out the reasons why he said “no”. There could be underlying fears/concerns/whatever that you both need to explore together, and now is a great time to do it. Because, in the end, if he is dead set on no kids and you know that your life will never feel “right” without one, you may not be the best lifetime match for eachother. Better to figure that out before the wedding rather than after.

Post # 35
Member
800 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Historic Chapel

@Cosette5:  I think that if your marrying someone which who you plan to be the rest of your life than this situacion is an issue. Also you have to take into considerations wheter hes answer is final or is just right now. For example when I met my fiance he told me he never wanted to get married ever in hes life because he didnt believe in marriage, however two years later he proposed to me, and  now we are engaged! 

 

So I recomend you think about it and find out whether your willing to see if he will change hes mind in the near future or whether you need to find someone else who wants the same things as you. Good luck!!

 

Post # 36
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

How did you get to the stage of being engaged without knowing this very important fact about your FI? I would be very worried there were many things about him you don’t know if this huge issue has slipped under the radar. 

Post # 37
Member
2973 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Cosette5:  From what I hear, this is one of the top reasons for couples breaking up. It’s important to be on the same page with children. Don’t expect him to change his mind and he shouldn’t expect you to change your mind. This is serious. Decide on what you want to do.

Post # 38
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@kris325:  This is one conversation that should be discussed within the first year of dating so you both know if it’s going anywhere or not.”

YES!

This was a deal breaker for me in a previous engagement.  At first, he was all for having kids, and as our relationship went on and we got engaged, he suddenly changed his mind and went back and forth between being on the fence, and not wanting kids.  It needs to be a definite.

I’ve always wanted kids.  During our first few months together, Fiance and I had talked about having kids one day because I needed to know if I was going to waste another 5 years of my life with a guy who would end up not wanting kids. Now that we are finally getting married (been together for 7 years in July!) we talk about having kids all the time. 

Post # 39
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Cosette5:  It is kind of a deal breaker and something that needs to be fully discussed before a wedding happens. I just had a couple that are friends of ours go through this and it ended up being part of the reason their marriage ended, among other things. 

Post # 40
Member
5229 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

You must get this settled before you get married. You need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation about whether he wants children at some point and you both need to be honest about it. This would be a deal breaker for me. You need to decide if it is for you. If you definitely want children, you need to marry someone willing to have children. 

Post # 41
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Cosette5:  Whoa.  That is difficult to overcome.  I divorced my first husband because he decided he didn’t want kids and I was adament about wanting them.  He pretty much tricked me into marrying him because he told me he wanted kids with me but after we were married he told me he never wanted kids at all.

If he truly does not want any children and you know you do then you need to break this relationship off and find someone who does want kids.  Based on my experience I wouldn’t trust him if he changes his mind either.  At 31 he is old enough to know that he doesn’t want kids and trying to get him to change his mind is wrong for him and for any child you might have with him that he doesn’t want.

There is nothing wrong with him not wanting kids.  It just means that if having kids is something you always saw yourself doing then he is not the one for you.  It’s unfortunate that this bit of information did not come up sooner in your relationship.

I’m sorry but you need to break up with him so you can move on and have kids with someone who wants them too.  If you wait hoping he will change his mind you may ultimately end up not being able to have kids and then resenting your husband for not wanting kids and causing you to miss out.  This is what has happened to more than a few of my older female friends; they waited for their husbands and boyfriends to change their minds and ended up on the later side of 40 with no kids and no husband or boyfriend.  (One’s ex husband even had the audacity to knock his next wife up no less than three times after spending 10 years married to my friend and telling her that he never wanted kids ever.)

Post # 42
Member
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@kris325:  So true.  One of the first “serious” questions I ever asked someone I was dating was their feelings on children.  If the answer was anything but “hell no”, to the curb they went. 

Post # 43
Member
5486 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have to say I disagree about this being a dealbreaker.  What you want now may not be what you want later. 

Why should you just let go of the person you are in love with when it’s something you are considering down the line? 

Post # 44
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

@Rubbs:  +1

I’ve spent my whole life insisting I never want kids, and Fiance is slowly changing my mind. It CAN be done without that person growing to resent you.

Post # 45
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

When I started talking about having kids, my now fiancé would state “No.” Just to be a stinker. He said he didn’t want me to get baby crazy. We have since had serious discussions and he wants kids eventually…but still whenever I see a baby he goes “nope!” Could he be doing something similar? Like a teasing no?

Post # 46
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Fiance plainly told me that if I did not want kids, biologically or not, he could not marry me. Good thing I want kids in any way possible!

This is something that needs to spoken about when a relationship gets serious/long-term. Religion, politics, children, finances…all of that. If you two cannot agree somehow on this issue, it’s going to be a rough go once you really start hearing that clock tick. 🙁

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