(Closed) Fiancé doesn't want kids, but I do.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

Where to go from here….talk to your man. This should have been discussed long before you even got engaged. I don’t know how you made it this far without it coming up sooner.

 

Post # 48
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Rubbs:  

View original reply
@TopazTurtle:  

+1 +1!!

OP – you need to take all our comments with a grain of salt. At the end of the day, YOU know your relationship the best! Everyone telling you that this is a deal breaker and you need to break up with him and they’re surprised you haven’t breached this topic all mean well, but they may only see it from their point of view. From what I’m observing, a lot of peeps feel STRONGLY about having kids and it’s a non negotiable.

Ultimately you have to decide if kids is a “must have” for you, or if you love him enough to be with him – kids or no kids.

Post # 49
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow, that’s such a tough situation. For me, this was really the only reason to get married. If we weren’t going to try to have a family, then I didn’t see any point for us actually getting married as opposed to just living together or even just dating. It’s definitely something that Fiance and I discussed when our relationship got serious because it was important to us to be on the same page.

You essentially have 3 choices:

1. leave him and find someone else to have children with.

2. stay and hope he changes his mind, but be ready to accept the fact that he may never want children.

3. 2-3 years from now, get pregnant accidentally (on purpose) and tell him to deal with it. Accept that he might not be happy and might leave.

What else can I say? Life is hard sometimes and you have to make difficult decisions that will shape the rest of your life. You have to decide what you can live with because it is your life

Post # 50
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

 

@This Time Round:  I agree.  For me, its like 1st, 2nd, 3rd date questions/conversation.  I don’t want kids and I had to make sure the guy I’m dating is not going to have any future expectations.

@Cosette5 I too have PCOS and it is very possible to get pregnant.  I was diagnosed in 2000 and over the years healed myself though (strict) diet and lifestyle changes – no conventional medications worked for me.  I am very fertile now when I wasn’t before. It is possible. 

 

Post # 51
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

If he’s sure he doesn’t want kids, do NOT try and change his mind. I can’t tell you how condescending it is to have someone tell you that you’ll ‘change your mind’ or some other BS. I know it must be hard, but in the longrun it’s better for both of you to not get married. If you have kids, he’ll be miserable, if you don’t, you’ll be miserable and it wont be good for the kid/s. 

Post # 53
Member
1775 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

This is a tough one.

When I got married the first time we were in our early 20s and both knew that we definitely didn’t want kids anytime soon and really that’s all we talked about. Well, fast foward a few years later and I started to feel like I wanted them, not right away but knew I wanted them eventually. He still didn’t want them and I guess it freaked him out knowing that I was “changing my mind” so he got a vasectomy. We’re divorced.

I personally think children are far too big of a issue to not be on the same page about. If he truly does not want kids (which is completely fine!) then you have to seriously think about whether or not you can live your life without them too. Good luck!

Post # 54
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you are sure you want kids and he is sure he doesn’t, then I don’t see how the relationship will work. Down the line, it will cause resentment and regret. Don’t assume he will change his mine, he most likely won’t. Neither partner should have to give up what they want in this situation. Good luck!

Post # 55
Member
6386 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Cosette5:  Glad to hear you guys were able to talk about it.  Best of luck with everything and congrats on the upcoming wedding.

Post # 56
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If he was younger, I would say not to worry too much. My Fiance is 31 and only recently started to openly express how much he wants children. We both knew that some day it would happen, but now he is fully on board. Guys take longer to get there. But it your Fiance is 100% against it, you really need to decide if that is something you are okay with. Can you not have children without resenting him? 

Also, has your Fiance ever been around children? Do any close friends have kids? That may make a difference

Post # 57
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Cosette5:  I’m glad you aired things out.  Don’t be afraid to revisit this every 6 months if you have to before the wedding!

Post # 58
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

@Cosette5:  I dnt think ppl were being judge mental many r speaking from experience nt every situation is the same and I personally did nt say dnt get married but u two definitely need sum more open talks like the one u had. One talk isnt enough to truly b in a successful relationship u  need to constantly b open and hav full disclosure convos. Finances children debt etc. I’m very happy for u that ur marrying ur best friend and wish u all the best, the best part is after the wedding and living happily ever after ☺

Post # 59
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@Cosette5:  I honestly would not get married until you guys come to an understanding as to whether you will have children in the future.  

 

Post # 60
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

SO wanted one but I didn’t. It caused uncertainty for a couple months but then he decided he wouldn’t end things over a kid. Now he feels like he dodged a bullet and can’t imagine having a child.

Post # 61
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

By The Way, SO and have been together since we were 16 and didn’t discuss kids until we were 22. We’re 25 now and happily CFBC.

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