(Closed) Fiance doesn't want new Step mother in wedding pictures

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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futuremrsw7784 :  Ugh.  What an awful situation.  I would just have a bunch of different combinations of photos – some with her, some without.  Don’t make an issue of it, just do it that way.  Then you can choose what photos to buy, put in albums, etc.  You don’t have to choose any that she’s in, there will be thousands!

Post # 4
Member
1808 posts
Buzzing bee

What fredthebasil said is what I did. I’m not particularly fond of my stepmother (although I am very fond of my stepfather). I told the photographer how I felt and he was careful to do just a few photos with her in it but the majority without. He also positioned the shots with her in them in such a way that she can be edited out and the photo wouldn’t look funny.

I love my father a lot so I sucked it up for him and just for the sake of being kind on my wedding day–I didn’t want any drama, blatant or even an undercurrent. But you can bet I won’t be framing any of the photos with my stepmother in them.

Post # 5
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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futuremrsw7784 :  I was going to say exactly what fredthebasil said. To keep the peace, let her be in some pictures and only keep the ones without her. I can totally understand why your Fiance wouldn’t want anyone standing in his mother’s rightful place. Especially given the history. 

Post # 6
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee

Are you accepting his money? If so, you need to be gracious to the SM, which means including her in some photos. 

Actually, scratch that – if you are taking family photos at all, you need to allow her to be in a few. Just do different combinations, and don’t use the ones she’s in. There’s no need to punish her because Father-In-Law was mean to your FI’s mom. 

Post # 7
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

I feel for your FH. Pp’s advice is spot on. 

Post # 8
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Just tell your photographer exactly what combinations you want. Have them take a picture with her in it and a picture without her. You receive the images, you can delete the one with her or just send it to them and not keep it yourselves, but that way there won’t be drama on the day of your wedding. We knew DH’s family wanted a picture with a combination of people he did not want taken, so we gave our photographer a very clear list and she told anybody who suggested something else during portraits, “I have a list from Bride and Groom and a limited amount of time, sorry!” 

Post # 9
Member
4229 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I agree with PP. Have her in some shots and not others, then just only get the short without…but maybe buy ONE with because you never know how you may feel down the road.

Post # 10
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that you do not have to include her in any pictures (and I’m a step-mom as well as a mom). Why should you and your FH have to handle them delicately when they didn’t extend this courtesy to anyone else in FH’s family This step-mother was, by the sounds of it, the other woman, and your FFIL’s dealings with FH’s mother were those of a cad not just because of infidelity but in the way he went about his financial dealings with her even before he had both feet out the door, he planned his escape route at her expense and then blind-sided her with it. The poor woman has passed away now, and it sounds like the father and step-mom want to sweep the past under the carpet so they can play lord and lady of the manor on your wedding day. 

Go with DH’s wishes to honour his mother. Since his father and step mother have married, they’ll have to be invited as a couple and you’ll both have to be polite and decent to her, but IMO this is where any obligation ends. I wouldn’t even include the father in many of the pictures, just a few family photographs. The step-mother, at most, I would take one picture only of the two of them as a couple if they wish, but I would not include her in any other photos. If DH’s father and step mother have an ounce of remorse or decency they’ll accept this quietly and not make demands. 

I would hesitate to take any offered money from DH’s father, so his dad can’t use it as a power play or feel entitled to make demands. 

Post # 12
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Was the stepmother the other woman?  Or did she come along after the divorce?  I’m just curious.

Post # 13
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  You make some great points. However, do you think it is worth potential tension/ friction at the wedding? Doesn’t seem that “remorse or decency” is the Father and MIL’s forte. 

Post # 15
Member
8752 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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futuremrsw7784 :  it’s honestly not worth the drama to kick her out of photos on the day of the wedding, and he’ll be hard pressed to get any with his dad without her around too. If she wants to pose for a few (or his dad wants her in a few) just suck it up and then don’t order any of them when it’s time to frame/make books. Your fiance never even has to LOOK at them if he doesn’t want to, but it’s going to be a bigger deal to excluder her than it is to stand in 3 photos together. 

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