(Closed) Fiance doesn't want new Step mother in wedding pictures

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I come from a very similar situation as your Fiance but my relationship with my father is a lot more strained. I would not include her in photos as he has requested. He/you can make this clear before the wedding and tell his father/stepmom that he is happy to have them there but this is his day and he chooses not to include her in photos. 

Post # 18
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
futuremrsw7784 :  there is no way in hell I’d include my father’s former mistress in my wedding portraits.  Let your fiancé have his way.  There’s no need to rub it in, just ignore Stepmom when the time comes to pose.  I doubt she’ll push her way in.

Congratulations!  You are marrying a loyal man who stands for what he believes in.  Don’t try to change that simply to maintain niceties with a cheat.

Post # 19
Member
9117 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
futuremrsw7784 :  

Oh dear oh dear what  very stressful situation, I do feel for you and  your Fiance.

It is primarily his issue though and really he and his father need to sort it out ( I imagine you will go with whatever decision within  reason ) . Fiance probably doesn’t  want her there  at all and  it sounds like he compromised by accepting that she has to be there . Given that, can you  maybe offer the   the suggestions re photographs and get him and his father to consider them. If I  was you I would not be part of such discuissions ,just assure your poor Fiance you’ll go along with whetever he decides.

 

Post # 20
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I do not agree that you have to include her in family photos, because it seems to me she is not your DH’s family. They married when he was an adult, they don’t have a relationship and she is only coming to your wedding because she is married to Future Father-In-Law. I understand your DH’s feelings and while it might cause some drama I think it would be harder for your Darling Husband to enjoy his own wedding day. If you’re going to exclude her make sure you let them know ahead of time, ideally before you take any money from them, if that’s all possible. 

It seems like Father-In-Law and SM are using the wedding to try and bond with you guys as if you could just forget about all the horrible things that happened.  

Post # 21
Member
723 posts
Busy bee

Can you ask the photog to just take the photo of Father and Stepmom at the last part of photo taking without you both in the picture? Basically just a ‘photobooth’ image

Post # 22
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

If you were the one with the stepmom, I’d tell you to make your life easier and get some photos with her and some without, but this isn’t your call. Ultimately, it’s your FI’s battle to fight, not yours, and you should try to support whatever he decides. You can decide whether or not to take their money based on how well they can sort out this disagreement, though.

Post # 23
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
futuremrsw7784 :  as others have said this is fh fight ultimately and he should make the decision.  I was worried about this with my dads gf.  No infidelity but my mom passed And we really had no relationship with the gf and she always was trying to push to be my “mom”.  I had plan to talk to my dad that I don’t have interest in including her in pics.  A lot of other things happened so no longer a concern but I can definitely relate. I know it’s “easy” to have her take photos but what people don’t get is there’s a lot of pain and emotions involved.

Post # 24
Member
593 posts
Busy bee

If I wanted to honor the mother, I wouldn’t even have the step mother in the wedding. Him remarrying broke her heart…

Post # 25
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee

I think PPs have pretty well covered the photo situation, but I wonder if FH will be able to talk to SM about this? I don’t know these people, obviously, but I feel a little bad that she’s the devil when it was the father that screwed up. I just think she might be understanding of the fact that FH is still hurt, and wishes to remain loyal to his mother. 

Bee, breathe. It will be okay. This isn’t your fight to fight. Stand by your man, and support him, but don’t feel like you have to take this on board. FH needs to decide what feels comfortable for him, and what doesn’t. I know how easily anxiety can take over, but don’t let this get to you. 

Post # 26
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

I feel that in these circumstances it wouldn’t be appropriate to have the step mum ‘standing in’ in the parent photos. E.g. Bride + groom + both sets of parents, siblings etc. It’s not appropriate. I’m with your Fiance in this, especially given the overlap. Plus, she’s not family to him.

I could understand if parents divorce and step parents bring up the children, but really she’s not so much a step mother as she is his dad’s new wife.

what I do think would be appropriate is to have one photo of the couple with FI’s dad and step mom to acknowledge they are married and this is a new chapter of your lives moving forward. Then I think your Fiance has to decide how much of the baggage from his mum’s feelings he wants to carry forward. Now might be a time where he needs to say ‘dad, I don’t respect the choices you made, but I’d like to build something moving forward.’ But for that to happen your Fiance needs to stop viewing the past as something to mentally hold against his dad.

Post # 27
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Does she even want to be in the pictures? I know it’s not the same situation but my parents divorced 9 years ago. Neither have remarried but both are in long term relationships since then and neither my moms bf or my dads gf were in any of the family style formal shots. I didn’t even think about them to say yes or no. They stepped back on their own accord. I do have more fun pictures with them at the reception though. 

Post # 28
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

Did your Fiance chose your wedding day? I think it is super weird doing your wedding on the birthday of his mom…. i mean it should be your wedding day, nothing else. I also think your Fiance is kinda overreacting. I would explain it to the photographer and try to have as less pictures as possible with her.

Post # 29
Member
29 posts
Newbee

I think allowing her to come to the wedding is gracious enough. Given the circumstances, I wouldn’t allow her to be in any of the pictures, rightfully or wrongfully so and ESPECIALLY on his mother’s birthday. It really isn’t even a question, and ultimately, it’s up for your Fiance to decide. He has every right to be stubborn. Don’t try to sway him.

Post # 30
Member
2996 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

View original reply
bubblyx :  The same with DH’s stepmom (who is a good person but younger than DH is by a couple of years, ugh). She innately understood that this wasn’t her place and focused on taking pictures of her own to give me after the wedding. She’s a talented photographer and took some great candids of my Maid/Matron of Honor and some of my friends. 

So maybe step-MIL and photos are a non-issue? 

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