(Closed) Fiance’ doesn’t want to get married……….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m really sorry you’ve been hit with this, sweetie.  It’s understandable why you’re upset.  You’ve formed certain expectations about marriage based on things he’d said and done, and now it’s like none of that matters.  

 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it looks like you’re 19 or 20 and he’s 21.  You guys are SO young.    I know marriage is something you really want right now, but consider for a moment if it’s best for you to be married around this age.  This is the time of your life where you’re figuring out all sorts of things about yourself.  You both are at this stage, where you’re still growing.  You’re still figuring out what you want out of life, and so’s your Fiance.  When you guys decide to get married is more subject to change now than it will be when you guys are older, have maybe finished college, have careers, and have had a few years experience in the adult world.  

Post # 4
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It’s possible to marry young, have a successful marriage, and not miss out on any of your “growing up” milestones. We got engaged when I was 19 and Darling Husband was 20. We were 21 and 22 when we got married. It’s possible, but you absolutely have to be on the same page and be 100% committed to making it work.

It sounds like your Fiance is a little unsure about things right now–it’s probably not that he doesn’t want to marry you, period, but that he’s not sure he wants to get married NOW. Have a chat with him about his sudden change of heart, explain how it makes you feel, and move from there. There’s nothing wrong with waiting a few years–not because you’re “young,” but because maybe it’s just not quite the right time yet. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Sorry you’re going through this. You can put the engagement on hold for awhile, people do it every day.

Post # 6
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

While there is nothing specifically wrong with getting married young, there’s also no rush to get married!!  The odds are already not in the favor of 19 year olds getting married, but adding what he said to you to those odds…not good.  If you’re happy and he’s happy just being together and being engaged, hold off on the wedding for a while.  I can’t say this enough – unless there are children, religious reasons, or something else drastic – there is noooooo rush to get married! You may find 2 years from now, he’s ready and excited about it.

Post # 7
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sorry you’re going through this 🙁 My Fiance has never really wanted a wedding or cared about being legally married(He is a super sweet proposal and the whole works though) . This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me! He is going through the whole wedding thing FOR ME! He would be happy with or without it. Just because you don’t have a wedding or a marriage certificate doesn’t mean they don’t want to be with you.

I was never a girl to dream of a wedding so it came as a surprise to me that once we were engaged I started wanting a wedding and love the idea of planning it….This took my Fiance by surprise I think. Maybe your Fiance said what he was feeling, but never meant he didn’t want to get married, Maybe he  meant he was indifferent to the idea?

Post # 9
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry for your struggle, but the best advice I can offer is to just talk it out. Get to the root of what’s bothering him. 

Post # 10
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think you definitely need to have a chat about this with him, without getting emotional or having him get defensive. It’s possible that he proposed because he felt that it was the next step and didn’t realize that when you propose..you ARE actually asking to get married. That’s sort of the point of a proposal. That’s the part that confuses me, why propose marriage and then retract the marriage part? You guys could have been living together for the past year without a ring, so I’ll admit that part confuses me and I would think would add to your confusion.

Ask him what he means (not next year or not EVER?) and if he’s thought about what he said and its implications – does that mean he doesn’t want kids (that have both of your last name)? Doesn’t want his own ring to symbolize your committment? Doesn’t want all the other normal “married” things? It’s fine that he’s comfortable where you are – good even – but it doesn’t actually make sense that he proposed and THEN figured it out.

Sorry for the ramblings, just my thoughts.

Post # 11
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My exH never wanted to get married and only did so to ‘shut me up about it’.   I never felt he was fully committed to our marriage. I also resented that I never received a proper proposal or engagement ring.  

We had been together 7 years when we married, I was 33 and he was 32.  Our marriag e lasted 6 years.  We had other problems, but always at the back of my mind was that I had forced him into something he had made clear he didn’t want. 

I would never marry a man who had told me he didn’t want to get married.  Your ages are irrelevant. 

Post # 12
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry your only finding all this out now, I can only suggest find out WHY he doesn’t want to get married, then work together from there 🙁

Post # 13
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

If he never wants to get married [ like the type who doesn’t believe in marriage etc etc] then you need to reavaluate what you want in life, and if this is once of them.

He may just very well not be ready emotionally, financially, spiritually or physically to be married. While its is incredibly easy to say vows and have a party, the commitment involved is forever and serious!

I hope the talk goes well and you find out more about what is going on. Keep us updated!

Post # 15
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@futuretrent: Glad to hear it was just miscommunication! Good on you for resolving to talk to him right away about it rather than let it stew into something it wasn’t.

I totally get what he’s trying to say about weddings being too financially straining, since they’re supposed to be about a couple committing to each other – if he feels he’s already committed, the wedding can feel like unnecessary extraneous costs.

Hopefully you guys can be super financially savvy about it if you want to!

Post # 16
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It sounds like you two should work on your communication skills… that’s a pretty big miscommunication to have.

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