(Closed) Fiance emotionally cheated before/during engagement, claims to love us both

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 151
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

blackwatchjd:  he’ll eventually get it when he realizes that you are not participating in the relationship at all. You absolutely did the right thing *hugs*

Post # 152
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I am so glad to read that you have made the sensible decision to leave this man on an immediate basis. It isn’t so much about forgivness but admitting that things wouldn’t be the same again after this.

You sound very rational, whereas he and she do not. Don’t let their irrational behaviour (him assuming you are just in a mood and her talking crap about you around campus) drag you down, allow logic to prevail above any emotional feelings. However do let the emotion out in your own private ways.

I wouldn’t worry about his deluded idea that you will change your mind about this when you calm down. He is perhaps in shock and has gone into denial mode. Or he is hoping if he acts like nothing happened you will eventually follow suit.

As you say the break up wont be easy but it is completely necessary. I do hope you follow through with it and don’t give in to him. Just remember for every sad moment you go through now you are securing your future hapiness. 

Post # 153
Member
863 posts
Busy bee

blackwatchjd:  It’s easy for those who haven’t been with this person for 1/4 of their lives to say, just dump him. I can imagine that it’s a difficult situation all around. I would definitely see a couple’s counselor. And I would definitely ask for time apart. Take a few months without talking to clear your head. If in a few months you both really miss and love each other then you may have your answer. I firmly believe in the quote “What’s meant to be will always find it’s way.” But take some time apart.

Post # 154
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

His Needs Her Needs (Building an Affair-proof marriage) by Willard Harley– that book is something my Fiance and I are reading together and this scenario is played out vividly in the book.  I’m not telling you to leave him – but you two need to figure out ‘what went wrong’… and if you decide to stay with him – you must forgive and learn to trust him again and not bring it up because it would be a sore in your relationship and/or marriage… 

 

Good luck honey.

Post # 155
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

So happy for you! I’m sure this isn’t easy, but it’s a new and happy chapter of your life. I really think that, looking back, you’ll be so grateful to yourself that you did this. 

Best of luck!

Post # 157
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

blackwatchjd:  good luck with it all.  What a horrible situation to be in. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all that 

Post # 158
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I’ll second everyone and say GOOD FOR YOU! Out of 3 years with my ex, I was trying to work things out and get to a “good place on a same page” for more than 2 and the “happy ending” never followed… I’m now in a new happy relationship which wouldn’t have happened otherwise, BUT I wish I was as strong as you then and found strength and courage to walk out a lot earlier. Especially  because I had a feeling all along that things won’t work out how I wanted them yet I STILL tried and fought and you name it. Your FI’s emotional affair has created this awkward situation that makes it even harder for you PLUS it sounds to me like he’s trying to downplay the whole thing by saying you are reacting “emotionally”. As far as you are concerned, you are broken up and don’t feel like you have to prove what really happened to ANYONE! You don’t owe gossipers ANYTHING; try to concentrate on your studies and healing. Best of luck! It sure sucks right now, but you’ll come out stronger and will be happy and content again very very soon xoxo

Post # 159
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

blackwatchjd:  Good for you! You have been really strong about this whole thing, way stronger than I think I could be. It’s awesome that you can move on now and you don’t have to be involved in the drama he’s caused. Best of luck to you 🙂

Post # 160
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I love my fiance to pieces. The MOMENT he talks to another girl in that way? I’m gone. I’ve made it EXTREMELY clear our whole relationship that I am not looking to be the side girl and I am not going to stick around to be disrespected and cheated on. I’ve been cheated on many times before. Just because they haven’t had sex to your knowledge doesn’t mean he hasn’t been cheating on you! He HAS been cheating on you! Cheating on your relationship. You may be in love with him, but YOU need to love YOURSELF right now. You are thinking “relationship” you need to be thinking about yourself! End things NOW. you aren’t sleeping or eating. It is affecting your life even though he “ended” things. Your relationship is not ever going to go back to how it was.  What you have right now is a memory. Your relationship with him will ALWAYS be shattered due to this. You don’t deserve to live your life in a relationship that is forced and shattered. You deserve to be with someone who thinks rainbows shine from your butt. Have you ever thought that getting a job far away and him not getting one anywhere and not wanting to follow you was a sign? Because it is! That is your sign! Take the job, AND GET OUT OF HIS LIFE!

Post # 161
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee

 

sassy411:  I believe my advice of OP ignoring him would be OP thinking about herself and her needs. We essentially have the same advice. 

Post # 162
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, you have so much to offer in a relationship, so remember to give yourself only to someone worthy of you.  You can let him go in love and peace and give him his freedom, and at the same time you’re giving yourself the wonderful gift of an entirely new life and amazing future.  You will grieve the end of the relationship and the end of your hopes and dreams, of course, that’s only natural.  But, once you heal from your grief, walking through the open door of freedom is going to lead you to a bright new future, better than you can imagine right now.  Don’t compromise with trust, it’s the most important ingredient in a relationship.  You deserve so much and this guy will, very soon, realize he made the biggest mistake of his life.  Keep your head held high and walk on into your beautiful future.

Post # 163
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve been in your position before… From the other side. I felt like I was “in love” with my now two ex boyfriends. The first I had been with since high school, the other I met in college. I realize now that I was never in love with both of them at the same time, I was just scared of letting go of a long history with my first boyfriend. He and I are actually very close friends now, he has a beautiful wife and I have the most perfect SO who has pushed me to grow and mature in so many ways. Both my first boyfriend and I are so happy with our decision to part ways. Your Fiance likely doesn’t love you the same way anymore, but is scared of giving up something sure and concrete to venture out on his own or with someone new. There’s someone so much better out there for you and for him, I would say let it go, as hard as it may be. 

Post # 164
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He’s got a case of “the grass is greener.” I guarantee he will come to see that he f-ed up a good thing with you (and you can have the last laugh!). You said you’ve been with him for years – since high school, right? So he really didn’t get to sow his oats back then I assume. He’s doing it now, at the expense of your relationship. Good for you for leaving. Things between him and this other woman are fun right now (he likes having his “strange”), but that’s because he gets the fun side of it, not the enchilada. He doesn’t have to deal with dirty clothes on the floor, bills, family things with this woman. He just gets the flirtying, going out, being intimate parts.

At this point, who cares if he thinks you aren’t broken up. Don’t take his calls, don’t have anymore conversations with him. There’s really no need. Move on and be happy! 

Post # 165
Hostess
3844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

janna121215: My fiance and I have been together for 1/3 of our lives actually, and I am one of the many bees who suggested she leave as I would do the same in her position.

OP, it was so strong of you to end things with him last night. I’m sure it was so difficult and that you probably are sad today, but you really did do the right thing. You’ll be so busy with exams soon and studying for the bar, that you’ll have very little time for this douchecanoe to cross your mind. As for the rumors this crazy woman is spouting? I wouldn’t worry about it at all. Like PP said, she’s in zero position to gain sympathy – she’s cheating on her husband with a guy who was engaged! Any crap she says about you is just going to make her look more unstable. Keep your head held high and go no contact. No happier conversation, no door open, no potential reconciliation. Let it sink in that he lost the best thing he ever had, and move forward. You’re going to have a fantastic life in a fabulous new city and he’s just a pathetic liar.

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