(Closed) Fiance emotionally cheated before/during engagement, claims to love us both

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 211
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

Ha! I knew she must have others! I knew a girl exactly like this and she pulled some crazy stuff on me. She won’t want him. He’s in for a rude awakening if he finds out about the other guys, and if she is running her mouth like that…. He will. 

 

Great job, screw both of them. I would say they deserve each other, but they won’t even end up together! 

Good job!!!

Post # 212
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

OP, I hope you had a good weekend of freedom and happiness! 🙂

Post # 213
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m so happy for you seeing your update! I never weighed in during the beginning of this thread because there was nothing more I could add that hadn’t already been said.

You worked SO HARD to build a wonderful future for yourself. You honored your commitments to your studies/future profession AND a long term boyfriend that has really done nothing but hurt you and use you. He was selfish and you have to be proud of how hard you worked to keep your relationship going. If you had put 1/2 that work with the right guy, there’s no doubt this would have worked forever for you. Unfortunately/fortunately you know now that this is NOT the right guy for you and no amount of you trying to put in the work was going to make him turn into the right guy.

You are 100% doing the right thing by leaving this loser and moving forward with your life. You deserved better and now that you are leaving his lying, cheating, selfish ass behind, you will finally get all of that and more. 🙂 Best of luck girl!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  MissJulianna.
Post # 214
Member
6660 posts
Bee Keeper

blackwatchjd:  So happy to read your updates. Good for you! This is the beginning of a better, happier life! 

Post # 215
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Your relationship started in high school. The two of you were in teenage love. Of course it seems as though your relationship was perfect up until now. But I have to point out to you the fact that you kept mentioning that you don’t trust him and asking how could you trust him. If the one person that you love and want to spend your life with can spend time with someone else and fall into an emotional relationship with them, is that someone you really want to be with? Could you do the same to him?

We can all listen to your story and give you advice based on what you have told us, but the fact remains, you are still going to make your own choices. You know what the right decision is. If it was your friend, your sister, your mother, or your daughter this was happening to…….your advice would not be, “but it was really good in the beginning”…..if you stay just know you will always wonder what he is doing when he isn’t with you, wonder what he is feeling when he isn’t communicating, try to figure out if he is thinking about her when you get in a fight, drive yourself crazy with his texts and calls, your stomach will be in knots……that’s not a relationship……he broke your trust in the worst possible way. 

You deserve a man who will give you respect, talk to your parents before asking you to be his wife if that is important to you, and who will love you and be your best friend. 

Don’t settle because you are comfortable and he is something that once was awesome. In the long run, it won’t last anyways and you will go through more pain and waste time being unhappy. 

Hold your head up high and realize what you are worth……..I’m not sure what kind of law you are intending on practicing, but if you are going into family law, you will hear your clients with stories like yours A LOT………it was great in the beginning…..he cheated….I gave him another chance, then years later……here we are. I should have known.

You know in your head AND your heart what you should do………question is……are you strong enough to do it? 

Post # 216
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

shanbanan1976:  She had updated that she broke up with him.

Post # 217
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I could have written your post – with a few shifted details of course. After 6+ years of dating, my HS boyfriend (we also started dating senior year) developed a “crush” on a law school classmate. We were in a long distance relationship, and I just couldn’t handle how crazy it was all making me. I broke up with him and thank God for the hundreds of miles between us that made reconciling impossible. I finished grad school, threw myself into work, and started living it up in my new hometown. 

I get where you are right now. How do you walk away from all the history? Could you ever build that with someone else? But he’s your best friend! I felt it all too, but I listened to everyone telling me I deserved better because deep down I knew they were right.

 

Leaving him hurt like hell. I think having an arm cut off course have hurt less. I cried every day for longer than I’d care to admit. But I knew walking away then instead of later – and I really believed later would come – would be easier than living with the doubts, jealousy, anger, etc. 

But leaving someone who deserves to be left did something great for me self esteem. I actually BELIEVED I deserved better, and I wasn’t about to let men I knew for a few months or weeks disrespect me on any level. I didn’t tolerate any BS or experience the dating drama my friends did. 

I grew up in a small town and HS sweethearts who stayed married for life do exist. it’s actually most common when the couple doesn’t stray far from home. My ex-bf and I went off to college together, move to a big city for my grad school, etc., and learned and grew up a lot in the process. I think he needed to know what else was out there, and I couldn’t let him do that while he was with me. 

He still has a piece of my heart, but the love I feel for him is different – like extreme warmth and gratitude for the time together we shared. Theres no ill-will between us, and I wish him and his family all the happiness in the world. And that’s almost 10+ years after breaking up. 

You have an amazing life in front of you, and you deserve to explore it – on your own for a bit and eventually with someone who wants you and only you. 

Good luck. 

Post # 218
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

blackwatchjd:  OP, it’s been some time so justchecking in to see how things are. 

Post # 220
Member
1801 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My friend met a guy onljne, who was seriously amazing. Smart, wealthy, attractive; Just what she wanted. I remember her coming back from their first date feeling semi uneasy though, and she said “i just don’t know, I bet he’s married or something…”

since she didn’t have anything at ALL to base her feeling off of, she kept seeing him. Two or three weeks in she googled him, because the suspicion never went away, and there it was: a picture of his wife and two kids. She debated long and hard about whether to call his wife (since their home phone number came up in the Google search) and she eventually got the guts to call and give her a heads up, because she would have wanted to know if her husband was cheating on her. 

the wife answers and my friend told her every single detail about the past few weeks: where they went to dinner, when they would meet, what he’d been saying (that he was long divorced, with no kids), and even listed the gifts he’d bought her. It turns out, the wife had a hunch he’d been seeing another woman, because he’d done this before!!! She said hed been acting the same as he had with the other women, and said he’d even bought her the same perfume he’d bought my friend. (What a piece of scum) when my friend asked what she was going to do, the wife said she’d probably stay, and seemed upset, but accepting that this was how life was. It was so so sad. 

 

Anyway, idk if you want to tell the husband or not, but sometimes even when you do, it doesn’t turn out how you think! He may already have a hunch, or she may have done this in the past and been caught. let us know if you do decide to tell him, I’d be interested to hear how he took the news. Good job on staying busy and taking your life back!

 

Post # 221
Member
3282 posts
Sugar bee

blackwatchjd:  I wouldn’t say a thing to the husband. You never know how it could come back to haunt you. You have moved on. Don’t look back.

Post # 222
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

blackwatchjd:  having a crush on someone is normal. Acting on that with words or actions is not. People find other people attractive or mentally stimulating all the time, but allowing yourself to develop feelings is a huge sign that he’s not ready to be committed to anyone. How selfish of him to do this to you. Not to mention, she’s MARRIED, so he clearly has no regard for relationships in general, not his or hers for that matter because it made no difference to him that she was a married woman. I totally understand not wanting to throw away your relationship, but I’m sorry to say he has already made that choice for you. He threw it out the moment he decided to act inappropriately with this girl. Cut your losses and move on. 

ETA: Good girl! I just read through and saw that you left him. Wise choice. So glad to hear that you already feel a weight off of your shoulders!

Post # 223
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I bet you that he has a hunch that she have cheated on him before. Why don’t you send a letter or an email before you leave. Just a suggestion, if I was in his position, I would rather know than not know. What he decide to do after knowing the facts is his decision.

Post # 224
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

i was in a similar situation and I was already married. I wish so much that I left when I knew he was too close to another woman but I had a low self esteem and I was ashamed at the prospect of a divorce. I would justify it saying “it’s not that bad, at least it’s not physical” :/ I knew about his online gf for a long time, she would send him gifts and they would talk all the time. He assured me it was nothing more than a friendship. Fast forward to 6 weeks after the wedding, and he was taking a shower one night and left his email open accidentally. I got curious because I saw an unread email from her….and from there I looked back at all the rest. He had actually told her “todays the day. I wish I was marrying you instead” on the morning of our wedding he was telling another woman had wished he was marrying her. I was crushed. Every other message was full of biting remarks about me, about how he hated being with me and she would insult me and he would participate. They’d tell each other they loved each other, and it was all so horrible. i stuck around with him for 5 years and eventually divorced because he was emotionally abusive and I had to get out for my daughters sake. I wish I listened to my intuition the first time and got out when I could. Once a man does this there is no turning back. The pain will never go away and A piece of you will always be broken. Do yourself a favor and get away from him, he won’t ever change, they never do. 

Post # 225
Member
697 posts
Busy bee

MrsBuesleBee:  +1 Seriously OP what would you tell a friend or a sister? I doubt you’d tell them to stay.

My blood was boiling while I read this. I’m sorry but my SO and I are in a very LDR (He’s in the UK and I’m in the US) and even if we weren’t and in your situation and I found out he cheated it would be over. Same goes for me with him. People who love eachother don’t cheat, it’s not a thing. It shows a total lack of respect to you and the other woman (though she’s married so she’s obviously no better). And I hate to break it to you, this probably isn’t his first time cheating, this is just the first time you caught him. Obviously you had trust issues with him before this because you went through his phone. So do you really think this would get better with time? No. I don’t think so.

I know it’s hard but I would run away from him as fast as I could and cut ties. You need to find someone who deserves you and will treat you right.

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