(Closed) Fiance Emotionally Cheated–LONG but need advice!!!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
763 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

OP, I just wanted to let you know we are all here for you. Please use us as a “sounding board.” I really, truly feel for you as you sound like a really kind person.

Post # 63
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

The texting and relationship was wrong in the first place. Doing it while you were right in front of him-deal breaker. IF he were lonely or depressed because you were apart he would have stopped when you got there. He obviously has little respect for you or your relationship to do it right in front of your face. At the VERY LEAST I would postpone the wedding.

As far as coming home or staying. I might stay a couple of days to see where things are going, but I wouldn’t stay the whole time and think that would deter him form cheating. He can either be faithful with you gone, or be a single man because he is not ready to committ if he can’t be there without and not cheat on you. Plus he already did it in front of you so I doubt you staying would change much.

Post # 64
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would personally have a difficult time forgiving someone for this. This is an affair that has been going on for awhile and it seems more than just physical, which is the worst. The fact that he is texting her and talking to her while you are on a visit to him makes me think that he is also not that bright =D you can do better.

My college boyfriend emotionally cheated on me too. Now they didn’t send nude pictures and nothing was ever sexual, but he would spend hours talking to her online, bringing her food, buying her jewelry and visiting her dorm while I was at the library studying my ass off. When I found out it hurted so much, even their relationship is under the guise of “just friends.” 

We ended up staying together for another year after this. But it was seriously the worst decision I’ve ever made in college. We fought so much during that year, due to the fact that I never trusted him again. I understand it is hard to let go the comfort of a long term relationship (we were together for 3 years total), but I think you’ll be happier for it in the long run. You deserve someone who doesn’t leave a question mark in the back of your mind at the end of the day.

When we ended things, it was actually because he started another emotional relationship, with yet another girl. He started going out with her a week afterward the break-up. So, I’m not optimistic about people who emotionally cheat.

Post # 66
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Cheating is a major issue for me.. No second chances if it ever happened.. Physical as well as emotional cheating that is.. I just see it as once a cheater, always a cheater..

I’m really sorry OP you had to go through all this..

Have a safe flight back..

And keep us updated..

Hugs!

Post # 67
Member
1530 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

@aliciaw17:  Have a safe flight!

 

View original reply
@pinkshoes:  I would expand the scope to pretty much many parts of Asia, LOL! My Fiance is Canadian Caucasian. When we were in Kota Kinabalu (Sabah, Malaysia) with my parents in 2010, this sales lady kept flirting with SO. “Hello big boy” in the most seductive way. I looked at her. She looked at my SO. My mom was getting agitated and wanted to leave. I was trying so hard NOT to laugh!!

Post # 68
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Cynderbug:  ye I agree, not just American men but all western men… some women in Asian countries get treated badly by men and chances of making money are poor so they see a western man and see dollar/pound signs and will literally just go for them… Prostitution in Thailand is insane too, my friends went and stayed in a range of hotels and in each there was a sign saying any female guests will be charged _ extra… and in all the bars and clubs girls just follow men around and flirt constantly. I would not be happy with my partner going to thailand alone at all

Post # 69
Member
1139 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If a girl sent my Fiance any sort of nude photo and he still kept talking to her, that would be enough for me to see red and be very, very disappointed in the entire situation and his actions. I really feel for you and I am sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. Just know that you deserve better and you don’t have to put up with it. You don’t have to go through with the wedding just because it’s 3 months away. I’d like to think that everything happens for a reason and some things should be seen as signs. I hope that whatever decision you make works out in your favor. Keep us posted.

Post # 70
Member
10120 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Oh, OP.  Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

Did this happen in Bancock?  That city is awash in any kind of sex one can imagine.

This relationship just sounds too hard.  Personally, I’d end it & move on to someone sunnier & more trustworthy.

Post # 71
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@aliciaw17:  I am so sorry you’re going through this!  I think you have some important questions to think about, though.

First, she was the one who sent him naked pictures.  Did he ever do anything that extreme?  Did he say he was interested in her or make flirtatious comments to her?  If not, I would tend to accept that he was probably very lonely and looking for a friend who understood his new environment (too bad that friend wasn’t a guy!).

Second, are you absolutely certain that nothing physical happened?  Just to be safe, if I were in your position, I would ask him to get a full STD test.  It’s probably just a precaution, but at the very least, he’ll get the message that he’s severely damaged your trust.

Third, try to picture your life with and without him.  I know you’re angry now, but people do make mistakes.  It would be much  worse if you’d discovered he had been carrying on an affair with her.  Of course, you may always wonder, “what would have happened if I hadn’t confronted him about?”

Fourth, it sounds like counseling may be the best option for both of you.  Why don’t you try and see a counselor while you’re over there to get things started.  Is staying in Bangkok feasible for you?

Post # 72
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would push back the wedding date.  This is not a good way to start a marriage. 

I wouldn’t ask him to allow you to his voicemail/emails etc, I know that would make you a little comfortable, at the same time it hurts the relationship in long run. 

Have you consider go to a marriage/couple counselling with him? Maybe it can help fixing thing? Hopefully it will help you two before walking down the aisle….. 

Post # 73
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@trueblue14:  Thank you, dang! I can’t believe it took so many responses to get to, “What would this woman’s fiance think if he found out she did this?” That was one of my first thoughts!!

To me, that, compounded with him saying that you had lost your “drive” which is what attracted him to you, means he’s probably not attracted to you anymore. 🙁 As sad as that sounds. I feel like that’s what he’s saying without saying it. And what makes it even worse is that you had a legitimate medical condition – depression is a beast. It’s hard and it’s a hole, and I commend you for working through it and taking the necessary steps to better yourself.

This woman, though, is a co-worker. How exactly is it that you can expect him to not have any contact with her ever? He sees her at work every day, and she will likely be on every business trip with him for the forseeable future.

When the cat’s away, the mice will play. He has the perfect opportunity to do whatever he wants without you, and with no consequences. He’s in another damned country more than he’s with you. You wouldn’t have found out if you didn’t take the time to go there and try to be with him. How long has it been going on? What about this other woman’s fiance? How long would it have continued if you hadn’t arrived? What led him to the point of the nude pictures?

If you don’t leave him, I’d at least postpone/cancel the wedding and seek counseling. If I were you, I’d leave and take some time for yourself, seek space, clear your head, mull it over with your family and friends, and leave him be. And I’d be curious to see if he continues texting this woman after you’ve left…If you can, even contact the woman’s fiance, talk with him. I wouldn’t wish anyone to enter into a marriage with infidelity on the table, neither man nor woman.

*hug* I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Keep us updated!

Post # 74
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@pinkshoes:  You and the other posters agreeing with you seem to have missed this part, “Well I found out that he has been talking with a girl that he works with and that he was in Taiwan with.

This woman is a co-worker, not a native to Bangkok or Taiwan. She’s likely American, just like he is.

 

Post # 75
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@icanhearyousmile:  I think most people got that… what people are trying to say is that regardless of this woman there may be others that she does not know about… I mean he spent 9 months there with probably a lot of opportunity and no way of getting caught… his actions that she does know about should make her question what else he has been up to.

The topic ‘Fiance Emotionally Cheated–LONG but need advice!!!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors