Fiancé flirting with colleague

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 17
8759 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

rwise :  You have nothing to be embarrassed about. She does.

As for wishing you never found out, who wouldn’t? That would mean that your FI was not the person she turned out to be. But that is different from wishing the deception had continued behind your back. I don’t think you really wish for that. You wouldn’t be human if it was so easy to turn off your feelings. 

If you really have no one to turn to, you could consider counseling to process the loss. In the short term, could you take a break? Get away from your home and routine to clear your head or visit family? 

Eventually, it may help you to think of this as mutual, though it certainly doesn’t feel that way now.  It’s possible FI has had doubts about the relationship and didn’t know how to deal with them. It’s a cliche, but far better to find out now than later. 

Were wedding plans already set? 

Post # 18
3482 posts
Sugar bee

There’s an old saying: “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

You were kind to give your partner a second chance after you saw the first stream of flirty messages between her and the other guy. But now that it has happened a second time, after she acted so remorseful and swore it would never happen again…sorry, I’d be done. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an unrelenting state of paranoia that she’ll betray you again? Because that’s what you’re signing up for if you decide to continue the relationship.

As for the letter, keep writing about your feelings for your own sake, but I wouldn’t send this type of thing to your partner. I agree with PP that the best approach is to keep it brief, as unemotional as possible, and to the point. Be very clear that you’re done, and then cut all ties and begin the work of moving on.

Post # 19
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You sincerely deserve better than this OP. 

Post # 20
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Just wanted to check on you. I know nothing is ok but are you hanging in there?  

Post # 22
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

rwise :  You are doing the right thing. 

Post # 23
151 posts
Blushing bee

The ONLY reason I can think of that this would be okay is if this colleague of hers was going through something awful, like a close friend or family member dying or news of a serious illness or something of the sort, and her just platonically checking in on him. When people in my life are going through hard times and I don’t know exactly what to say, I might send a message saying, “Just wanted to check in and let you know I’m thinking about you” or something similar, which I of course mean completely 100% platonically but just as a way to make them feel less alone.

However, if the context of the conversations was clearly flirtatious (the first one definitely seems to be, and you probably read more context than you shared with us in the second one), then this is obviously ruled out as a possibility. In all likelihood, this was not just a friend checking in on someone going through a hard time, and was evidence of an emotional affair. I just wanted to mention the remote possibility that it could be something else, if context-appropriate.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 25
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

rwise :  This broke my heart into a million pieces.  It is clear that you are an incredibly kind, loyal, genuine human being who deserves to be loved by someone who sees you and nobody else, who looks at you and sees you from within.  I cannot imagine how devastated you must feel, because every heartbreak is unique. 

I can tell you that this person is not the one who will keep you safe, from what you shared with us above, and also that many of us have been devastated by people who we thought we trusted, and who we thought could have been “the one”. 

Right now, she is telling you who she is.  You should believe her.  Not what she says, but how she acts.  Telling you that you are her soulmate but continuing to emotionally cheat is all the evidence you need to know that your partnership is not what you thought it was, and that it’s time to leave.  

Everyone is weak, and she’s going to beg, but I hope soon you’ll get to a place where you are strong enough to walk away and get back to your journey of finding the person who will love you, protect you and keep you safe.  That’s the model you would want for your kids, right?  Respect yourself enough to want it for yourself too. 


Post # 26
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for your situation. 

I am a big believer in giving people second chances and I understand people make mistakes. But when your partner makes a mistake and then goes behind your back and does the same thing, it’s completely inexcusable. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing. 

Consider this a blessing in disguise that you found this out before you got married and had a few kids. Things would be much more difficult. 

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