Post # 16
weddingmaven : teacher-bee-in-the-sea :
Thank you both for the advice…
I have no idea what i’m going to do for the next 5 days before she comes back. I’m not sure if I should wait or go through it straight away.
I can’t stop thinking about what friends and family will think and how embarrassing this will be.
a lot of people will shake their heads at this. But there’s a part of me that wishes I never saw any of it and stayed ignorant.
Post # 17
rwise : You have nothing to be embarrassed about. She does.
As for wishing you never found out, who wouldn’t? That would mean that your FI was not the person she turned out to be. But that is different from wishing the deception had continued behind your back. I don’t think you really wish for that. You wouldn’t be human if it was so easy to turn off your feelings.
If you really have no one to turn to, you could consider counseling to process the loss. In the short term, could you take a break? Get away from your home and routine to clear your head or visit family?
Eventually, it may help you to think of this as mutual, though it certainly doesn’t feel that way now. It’s possible FI has had doubts about the relationship and didn’t know how to deal with them. It’s a cliche, but far better to find out now than later.
Were wedding plans already set?
Post # 18
There’s an old saying: “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
You were kind to give your partner a second chance after you saw the first stream of flirty messages between her and the other guy. But now that it has happened a second time, after she acted so remorseful and swore it would never happen again…sorry, I’d be done. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an unrelenting state of paranoia that she’ll betray you again? Because that’s what you’re signing up for if you decide to continue the relationship.
As for the letter, keep writing about your feelings for your own sake, but I wouldn’t send this type of thing to your partner. I agree with PP that the best approach is to keep it brief, as unemotional as possible, and to the point. Be very clear that you’re done, and then cut all ties and begin the work of moving on.
Post # 19
You sincerely deserve better than this OP.
Post # 20
Just wanted to check on you. I know nothing is ok but are you hanging in there?
Post # 21
weddingmaven : I’ve been thinking about counseling. One of the biggest issues with where I am is that it is very remote – We moved here for her previous job and now I have a contract here for 6 months so I’m basically stuck here in the short term. In these cases, I usually just bury myself in work. But I can’t see that happening right now.
No wedding plans made as of yet…
tiffanybruiser : “Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an unrelenting state of paranoia that she’ll betray you again? ” I couldnt think of anything worse than this feeling staying with me. I was just so sold with her being (as cheesy as it sounds) ‘the one’. I still can’t get my mind around the fact that this is happening.
thesoontobemrsv : Thank you @thesoontobemrsv. Everyone here has given me really good advice. I think I would have said something or gone about it differently if I had not have done this. I’m really glad I did now.
gialovesshoes41 : I’m not great to be honest. I have not slept or eaten – She messaged today asking how I am and whats going on. I havnt replied yet – I just don’t know what to say to her. I don’t think I can put on a brave face until she gets back before going through it all.
Post # 22
rwise : You are doing the right thing.
Post # 23
The ONLY reason I can think of that this would be okay is if this colleague of hers was going through something awful, like a close friend or family member dying or news of a serious illness or something of the sort, and her just platonically checking in on him. When people in my life are going through hard times and I don’t know exactly what to say, I might send a message saying, “Just wanted to check in and let you know I’m thinking about you” or something similar, which I of course mean completely 100% platonically but just as a way to make them feel less alone.
However, if the context of the conversations was clearly flirtatious (the first one definitely seems to be, and you probably read more context than you shared with us in the second one), then this is obviously ruled out as a possibility. In all likelihood, this was not just a friend checking in on someone going through a hard time, and was evidence of an emotional affair. I just wanted to mention the remote possibility that it could be something else, if context-appropriate.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 24
nalastardust : I thought about this myself and wished that this was the case. She admitted to me that she was flirting after I initially confronted her. It’s still continuing – Just more secretive than before.
Had a long chat with a few friends back home today and got a lot off my chest. I think I have a plan.
It’s going to hurt initially and I know i’ll have my moments of doubt and wanting everything back the way it was (Even though it never will be).
I know what I need to do.. Doing it is something else entirely.
Post # 25
rwise : This broke my heart into a million pieces. It is clear that you are an incredibly kind, loyal, genuine human being who deserves to be loved by someone who sees you and nobody else, who looks at you and sees you from within. I cannot imagine how devastated you must feel, because every heartbreak is unique.
I can tell you that this person is not the one who will keep you safe, from what you shared with us above, and also that many of us have been devastated by people who we thought we trusted, and who we thought could have been “the one”.
Right now, she is telling you who she is. You should believe her. Not what she says, but how she acts. Telling you that you are her soulmate but continuing to emotionally cheat is all the evidence you need to know that your partnership is not what you thought it was, and that it’s time to leave.
Everyone is weak, and she’s going to beg, but I hope soon you’ll get to a place where you are strong enough to walk away and get back to your journey of finding the person who will love you, protect you and keep you safe. That’s the model you would want for your kids, right? Respect yourself enough to want it for yourself too.
Post # 26
I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for your situation.
I am a big believer in giving people second chances and I understand people make mistakes. But when your partner makes a mistake and then goes behind your back and does the same thing, it’s completely inexcusable. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing.
Consider this a blessing in disguise that you found this out before you got married and had a few kids. Things would be much more difficult.