(Closed) Fiance gave me an ultimatum – try to have kids after 3m of wedding / call it off

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

Leave his ass. You’re not emotionally or financially ready, and this bullshit ultimatum isn’t going to change that.

Post # 3
79 posts
Worker bee

He can’t expect to hold you to that. Hes clearly desperate for children but its not fair to hold it over you. When do you think you anticipate children?

Post # 4
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Ultimatums are never a good way to start a marriage, especially when it comes to bringing a life into the world. It sounds like you already know the answer. Sorry you are put into such a tough spot OP!

Post # 5
2527 posts
Sugar bee

You want to get married.

He wants to get married.

You want children.

He wants children.

It’s more a timing issue than anything. You two should be able to work this out. What if you start trying 3 months in and it doesn’t happen? Is he prepared for that possibility?

Post # 6
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Dump him. He’s going to be giving you ultimatums to get his way for the rest of your life. 

Post # 7
3383 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
SeeminglySleepy:  An ultimatum for when to have kids? No one should pressure someone into having children. That’s not fair to the person or to the children. You should have children when you’re ready. If that’s not acceptable to him, I guess it’s time to call it off. 

Post # 8
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
SeeminglySleepy:  If you’re not ready then you are not ready. But did you already agree to start trying 3 months after the wedding? If you changed your mind you probably should have told him that. I could see why he would be upset if he was thinking this whole time you were going to start trying and now all of the sudden you are not. 

ETA: blah I must have read it wrong the first time. 🙁 No if you are not ready don’t let him pressure you in to it. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by JLFinch.
Post # 9
13672 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Wow. I could not marry someone who gave me an ultimatum like that. You are getting a very good preview of coming attractions, and it isn’t pretty. 

Post # 11
3797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
SeeminglySleepy:  That is ridiculous and not okay. Forcing you is not acceptable and noone should become a parent under those conditions. I was ready to start trying before DH. He was honest and said “Not yet”. We agreed to talk about it again months later and then set a timeline. I am SO glad he was honest with me and we waited until he felt more comfortable (though I do admit I was quite antsy about starting). I would tell him straight up that trying to manipulate you into having a child is unacceptable and not how you treat someone you love and hope to spend your life with. Tell him you will not be forced into trying before you feel ready and that him asking you too is unfair and selfish. I would say that you (IF you are still interested in marrying him after this emotional manipulation) are willing to discuss the topic again in X months to update on how you’re feeling. I’m sorry. That’s not okay.

ETA: Good grief…sorry about the grammar mistakes and typos. I have no brain today.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by KatiePi.
Post # 12
787 posts
Busy bee

Agreeing on having children or not before getting married I can understand. But an ultimatum on the TIMING of the children? That’s really jerky of him. That’s not how you work things out in a marriage, he needs to understand that and also understand your reasons for waiting a bit. If you can’t work this out together then counseling may help. But don’t accept this bullshit ultimatum. 

Post # 14
787 posts
Busy bee

“I just want to know that I will be independant and I won’t be stuck in a situation where I’m dependant on him, I’m out of the workforce for so long that I’m stuck. ”  <- That’s smart! Especially with a husband who thinks an ultimatum like this is an acceptable way to negotiate in a relationship!

Post # 15
1000 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
SeeminglySleepy:  Leave him. Who gives a stupid ultimatum like that?

The topic ‘Fiance gave me an ultimatum – try to have kids after 3m of wedding / call it off’ is closed to new replies.

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