Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together for 3 years now. We always had discussion about kids, and I knew he wanted them while he was still young rather that later. He’s turning 31 this year and I just turned 27. A month ago I made it clear that I didn’t want kids soon because I lost my job due to the company closing it’s operations in Toronto. We agreed that after a few months of being married, say 3-6 months. I would get off the pill and we’ll use alternative methods of birth control until we are ready.
A few days ago we discussed a contract opportunity with a new company and I mentioned, if you want to take this role I will support your decision. Plus the fact we’re not having kids soon, you should take the risk now rather than later.
I guess that’s what triggered it for him. He thought we would start passively try after 3 months of being married. I said, no. I’m not ready emotionally, physically or financially. I want kids, but not this soon.
Now he left me with the decision of trying to have kids after 3 months or no proceeding with our wedding in October. I know I cannot give with and agree to children like this. But I feel so torn. What do I do.
This topic was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by . Reason: add tags, fix typo
Post # 2
Leave his ass. You’re not emotionally or financially ready, and this bullshit ultimatum isn’t going to change that.
Post # 3
He can’t expect to hold you to that. Hes clearly desperate for children but its not fair to hold it over you. When do you think you anticipate children?
Post # 4
Ultimatums are never a good way to start a marriage, especially when it comes to bringing a life into the world. It sounds like you already know the answer. Sorry you are put into such a tough spot OP!
Post # 5
You want to get married.
He wants to get married.
You want children.
He wants children.
It’s more a timing issue than anything. You two should be able to work this out. What if you start trying 3 months in and it doesn’t happen? Is he prepared for that possibility?
Post # 6
Dump him. He’s going to be giving you ultimatums to get his way for the rest of your life.
Post # 7
An ultimatum for when to have kids? No one should pressure someone into having children. That’s not fair to the person or to the children. You should have children when you’re ready. If that’s not acceptable to him, I guess it’s time to call it off.
Post # 8
If you’re not ready then you are not ready. But did you already agree to start trying 3 months after the wedding? If you changed your mind you probably should have told him that. I could see why he would be upset if he was thinking this whole time you were going to start trying and now all of the sudden you are not.
ETA: blah I must have read it wrong the first time. 🙁 No if you are not ready don’t let him pressure you in to it.
Post # 9
Wow. I could not marry someone who gave me an ultimatum like that. You are getting a very good preview of coming attractions, and it isn’t pretty.
Post # 10
ideally a year after marriage and hopefully securing a job by then. I want to be secure to know that when I pass probation I have a career to back to.
I’ve worked my ass off to get through university and I have so many career ambitions. I’m not saying “wait for me to become a VP in a fortune 500”. I just want to know that I will be independant and I won’t be stuck in a situation where I’m dependant on him, I’m out of the workforce for so long that I’m stuck.
Post # 11
That is ridiculous and not okay. Forcing you is not acceptable and noone should become a parent under those conditions. I was ready to start trying before DH. He was honest and said “Not yet”. We agreed to talk about it again months later and then set a timeline. I am SO glad he was honest with me and we waited until he felt more comfortable (though I do admit I was quite antsy about starting). I would tell him straight up that trying to manipulate you into having a child is unacceptable and not how you treat someone you love and hope to spend your life with. Tell him you will not be forced into trying before you feel ready and that him asking you too is unfair and selfish. I would say that you (IF you are still interested in marrying him after this emotional manipulation) are willing to discuss the topic again in X months to update on how you’re feeling. I’m sorry. That’s not okay.
ETA: Good grief…sorry about the grammar mistakes and typos. I have no brain today.
Post # 12
Agreeing on having children or not before getting married I can understand. But an ultimatum on the TIMING of the children? That’s really jerky of him. That’s not how you work things out in a marriage, he needs to understand that and also understand your reasons for waiting a bit. If you can’t work this out together then counseling may help. But don’t accept this bullshit ultimatum.
Post # 13
Yea the fact that he would use our wedding as leverage to strong arm me over a small technicality is very upseting.
The topic of being unable to have kids has came up before. He says that it’s okay if we can’t have kids and we can always adopt. But the fact he’s acting so desperate for kids make me scared that what if I’m unable to reproduce, will he leave me for someone who can bare him children? And what if I end up only having girls, will he pressure me until having a boy?
In his family, boys are very “special” because they carry the bloodline and the last name….
Post # 14
“I just want to know that I will be independant and I won’t be stuck in a situation where I’m dependant on him, I’m out of the workforce for so long that I’m stuck. ” <- That’s smart! Especially with a husband who thinks an ultimatum like this is an acceptable way to negotiate in a relationship!
Post # 15
Leave him. Who gives a stupid ultimatum like that?