Fiancé got invited to a wedding. I was not.

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

italianbride0508 :  I don’t think it’s that big of a deal either. Is it against etiquette? Yep. Is it rude? Probably. But people have to draw the line somewhere (for budget, capacity, or other reasons) and cutting people you’ve never met is not that crazy to me…

If your Fiance doesn’t want to go without you I understand, but I think you should encourage him to go anyways.

Post # 17
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I do believe that was rude: I understand no plus ones but you guys are like package deal at this point. It’s not like you’re casually dating. 

Don’t make him go, If he really wanted to go he would. He doesn’t want to go without you. 

Post # 18
Member
2020 posts
Buzzing bee

clairhuxtable :  agree. It’s rude and against etiquette, but it is what it is. At some point, you have to draw a line on who is invited and who isn’t. If the guest list is 243, maybe max capacity is 250 and there weren’t only 7 people left to invite, so they just left off all unmarried +1’s. i wouldn’t take it is a personal insult, I’d just roll my eyes and move on. If the husband wants to go, who cares? It’s not like declining the invitation will change their minds or show them how rude they are.

Post # 19
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

starfish0116 :  I agree-casual dating, probably not. But a serious or live in relationship, it would be nearly impossible to invite one without the other and not be inconsiderate or rude. 

Post # 20
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

The same thing just happened to me with my FI’s old college roommate- and the wedding is where they live now, halfway across the country from us! I’d actually asked him whether I was indicated as a +1 or specifically named on the invite (just out of curiosity). He said he wasn’t sure but that the RSVP card had a place to write “Number Attending” and he’d just put 2. I was like, “UM NOPE” and said I needed to see the actual invite to see if I was even invited. Sure enough, only his name on the inner envelope. He’s not going cause he doesn’t want to make that trip by himself- I actually offered (if he really had his heart set on going to his friend’s wedding) to come with him and just stay in the hotel room…but he wasn’t really all that excited about going anyway so sent in regrets. 

Still kinda annoying, since, like you mentioned, of course we’re inviting both of them to our wedding as a married couple. What, so since our wedding happened to be 5 months after yours means I don’t get an invite? Oh well, now we don’t have to worry about traveling on a holiday weekend!

Post # 21
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

In wanting to decline because you are not invited, your Fiance is a good guy, that is the right thing to do. Do not tell him to go anyway. 

These friends are rude and boorish, and you don’t need them in your lives.

Post # 22
Member
11803 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Wedding guest lists can be challenging and although the etiquette is to figure out who needs to be invited then determine the venue, when there are essentially four separate lists, cutoffs by category are inevitable and even an invitation list of 250+ can be limiting. 

That said, everyone else is correct. They were very rude or clueless. As a Fiance they should have been obliged to invite you as a part of a social unit. You can both decide for yourselves how you feel about him attending,  but he would be very reasonable to ask if there was some kind of oversight and if not, to decline. No explanation is necessary, and as a PP said, to debate the issue would also be rude. 

Post # 23
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

clairhuxtable :  You’re saying it’s justifiable to not invite someone simply because one member of the couple hasn’t met them?

In this case, the groom has met the OP (and her Fiance, obviously).

If I just got to cut people I’ve never met from our guest list, we wouldn’t be inviting a third of his side. (Long distance, far flung relatives.) My Fiance hasn’t met some of my family either.

That seems like a strange rule.

 

Post # 24
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

I agree that it’s completely rude that you were not invited, however I would also think carefully about what it might mean if your Fiance declines the invitation. Of course people are always within their rights to decline an invitation and don’t have to give an explanation for doing so, but it’s not unrealistic to say that doing that could mean the decline of that friendship.

It seems like a complicated situation, and I would take multiple factors into account (How long have your Fiance and his friend known each other? How good friends are they? What might change in their relationship if your Fiance were to decline?) before deciding how to approach this with my significant other. For me, either case would be possible (encouraging my partner to go or supporting him in staying with me like he offered).

Post # 25
Member
2020 posts
Buzzing bee

Apple_Blossom :  I think what she meant is that if there is a potential guest list of 400 and you can only accommodate 250 (for either budget, venue space, or other reasons) at some point you have to start cutting the list. Maybe they went through the list and removed guests who they both didn’t know, who weren’t family. 

i agree that it is rude to not include someone’s fiancé, but I can see how the bride and groom came to the conclusion.

Post # 26
Member
993 posts
Busy bee

It’s totally rude and I think I’d let Fiance decline. 

However, I’m guessing with the guestlist being at almost 250, they couldn’t accommodate all +1s (theoretically it could nearly double the list) but I don’t think engaged couples should be separated like that. 

Totally rude but it sounds like they just have too many people who need to be there and had to trim the list somewhere. If It were a smaller wedding I think I’d be even more outraged. But yeah I’d say just get your Fiance to decline. 

Post # 27
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Apple_Blossom :  Where did I say it was a rule?? lol I simply said people have to draw the line somewhere and they’ll do it where they want to. Maybe this couple only wanted to include people they both met? Maybe this bee didn’t get invited for a completely diffrent reason. Who knows? 

 

Post # 28
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

While it is rude and not in line with etiquette,  I think this is the kind of mistake that’s easy to make. When you’re planning a wedding, you hear all the time “do what makes you happy, you’ll make someone mad no matter what you do.” It’s possible that this was a situation in which they prioritized something else with no offense meant.

It’s also likely that they aren’t really aware of the etiquette in a situation like this. Here on the bee, everyone knows this stuff because we’re surrounded by it. Does the couple use a wedding forum like this? Did they receive advice from family members/friends that was contrary to etiquette? We can’t know. But I know that I had no concept of wedding etiquette before I first visited this site, and I’m sure that’s true for many others as well.

It is rude, but I’m going to guess it was unintentional. This is your fiance’s friend, and if this is the only transgression I would definitely let it slide. If your fiance wants to attend, he should. If he prefers to decline, that’s fine too, but I don’t think you should push him to either decision.

Post # 29
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

clairhuxtable :   italianbride0508 :  Sorry, I was being a stickler for verbatim. “Cutting people you’ve never met” was the phrase, and I apparently couldn’t expand that to “cutting friends or friends’s non-married partners we both haven’t met.”

I’m sorry.

Im just annoyed with the situation since the groom had to check with his bride about the guest list. That implies that he either (a) doesn’t know the guest list and didn’t know OP was cut or (b) he knew and lied that he had to check for sure that she wasn’t invited.

Post # 30
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Nope,  that is rude. I even just asked my fiance his thoughts, he agrees and would not go to the wedding. 

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