Fiancé got invited to a wedding. I was not.

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

pauline93 :  Most people don’t want to go to weddings alone when they have a SO. If he’s offering to decline then I’d just let him. I did the same thing when I was invited to a thanksgiving weekend wedding without my fiance. It didn’t exactly offend me but neither am I going to bother to get dressed up, buy a gift, and travel to a wedding where my fiance wasn’t also invited. Am I supposed to just sit around all night and watch other couples dance?

Post # 47
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Ambi D :  “It’s always finances and long term girlfriends who get the most upset about [not being invited with their SO].”

Logically, this makes sense. Short term girlfriends probably feel like since they haven’t been together long they don’t get an invite.

The other side is wives who are not invited with their husband. How often does that happen? The majority of people follow the etiquette that married couples are invited, period, as long as one isn’t a criminal. So wives aren’t on here complaining- and when they do, the Hive almost always sides with them, not the wedding couple.

So of course long term girlfriends and FIs complain more. That’s just pure logic.

Post # 48
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

pauline93 :  Question… when did you get engaged? It looks like you’re a newer Bee and your wedding isn’t until october 2018… Is it possible they set the guest list before you two got engaged? If that’s the case, they may physically not have the room.

Post # 49
Member
2215 posts
Buzzing bee

Apple_Blossom :  I agree. 3 weeks ago OP quoted a 30 day return period on her engagement ring, so I’d guess she got engaged in the last 4 weeks or so.

Which means that if invites were received right now, they probably went out a week ago, and the guest list was finalized before OP was engaged, considering most couples send out Save the Dates and the like.

I would guess that there was no room for non-engaged couples at the time that the guest list was created and OP and her Fiance were probably not engaged at the time. That would make it technically an etiquette faux pas now that they are engaged, but realistically no one has a crystal ball and knows when in the future someone is going to propose.

I think that nothing bad was meant by it since OP was probably not engaged when the guest list was made…it was based on OP’s relationship at the time the guest list was finalized and OP doesn’t seem to be close to this couple at all.

Post # 50
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I don’t understand what your issue is. Your Fiance has already offered not to go because you aren’t invited. That’s the end of the story. It’s not your wedding, not your day, if they don’t want you there, they don’t. Get over it and move on because the man you should be focusing on already said he wouldn’t go if you weren’t invited. 

Yes they were a bit rude but it’s their choice not to invite you and considering you went and posted it on a board like most drama girls I know it seems like they may not have made the wrong decision in deciding to just invite your Fiance. Be happy he’s siding with you and move on. 

Post # 51
Member
392 posts
Helper bee

That is rude and unacceptable. I wouldn’t go if I were your fiancée. 

Post # 52
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Not sure

If it were me, I’d hope he would decline. Then get back at them by only inviting one of them for your wedding… Pft 😝

Post # 53
Member
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

whnlz :  Same!  I actually do a ton of social things without my husband, even when he technically could come.  I go out with friends without him on Saturday nights.  I go to concerts.  I go on trips without him.  We’re married sure, but we still do things separately.

I can see how the couple chose not to invite you, OP.  You are not close with them and have only met the guy a few times.  Even if they are inviting 243 people, you don’t know the breakdown of that number.  For all you know 100 of those people are immediate family.  We had to cut down our guest list because of costs, and I have over 80 family members that I couldn’t not invite.  My husband had 40 close family members.  Then you count the close friends, the family friends, the vendors…it adds up SO fast.  I’m sorry you’re upset that you’re not invited to the wedding of someone you don’t even know, but I think you’re overreacting.

Post # 54
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Apple_Blossom :  it’s not pure logic…

I’ve been invited to places my fiancé has not and vice versa. I didn’t take it as my “social unit” not being recognized and my fiancé and I have been together for years and years. We are individuals with individual friends and relationships which sometimes overlap and sometimes do not. No big whoop.

My guess is many long term girlfriends and fiancées are seeking validation from outside sources because they are not happy with their level of commitment between themselves and their partner.  Girlfriends want to be fiancées, fiancees want to be wives. When that is not possible or that gratification is delayed, BOOM: let’s displace those feelings about not being at the level of commitment you want to be at and get snippy about not getting a wedding invite from people you don’t even know. 

Name another instance where an adult gets to be publically upset about not going to a strangers party? 

 

 

Post # 55
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

pauline93 :  There honestly isn’t anything anywhere that says you have to invite both people of an engaged couple, only married. I have seen several that SUGGEST and say you should, but no where that says you must. So while it’s frowned upon and most people do in fact count you as a social unit, you aren’t truly a social unit until you are married. 

I’m assuming they knew you all were engaged? My cousin has been with her Boyfriend or Best Friend for quite sometime and I didn’t even include his name on her invitation, but I did give her a +1. I did figure he wouldn’t be around in September since she hasn’t brought him to meet the family. Were you all engaged when they were getting addresses? Or even months before that when they were likely setting the invite list? 

Post # 56
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

pauline93 :  Dong feel bad. Your fiance is doing the right thing. They are being extremely rude. Send a card and move on. 

Post # 57
Member
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This “social unit” crap is making me legit LOL.  They are not illegitimizing your relationship with their wedding invite…  Honestly sometimes it comes down to the number of people you can afford to invite, or the space the venue holds.  We started with 300 (!!!) people on our guest list but had to trim that down to 250.  I had to eliminate friends who I wanted to invite but just couldn’t afford to.  It happens — at the end of the day the bride and the groom look at who they want there on that day, and sometimes hard decisions have to be made.

Post # 58
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee

I do tons of social things alone without H. He does some without me (he’s much more introverted). We have friends we see alone and together. But if it is an event where couples are invited, and ESPECIALLY an event when you’re being asked to come celebrate a couple, I’d want my own relationship recognized. That’s just polite. You’re a social unit and should be treated as such. 

Post # 60
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Ambi D :  I don’t think you understand. Maybe I didn’t explain it clearly. I’ll try again.

Lets say we have four general types of couples: short term, long term, engaged, married.

Your claim was that fiancés and long termers get more upset when they are not invited to a wedding when their partner is. (Situation A.)

The next step to that is saying that wives aren’t upset if their husbands are invited to a wedding and they (the wives) are not. (Situation B.)

My claim is that as a whole, married couples are not invited to a wedding without their partner. There are some exceptions, namely when the wedding is extremely small (such as ONLY siblings and no spouses, or almost an elopement), or the to-be-married couple actively chooses to not invite that partner (because the partner has a criminal past or The to-be-married couple just plain doesn’t like that person).

If Situation B is far less common that Situation A, of course we are less likely to see people upset over Situation B than see people upset over Situation A.

I also said that when Situation B does happen, and someone is offended and posts about it, as a whole the Bees tend to be on the uninvited partners side, not the couple who decided to invite one half of a married couple.

None of this has to do with whether someone should be upset or not, which I believe is what your question is asking. Obviously people have gotten upset over not being invited to a stranger’s party. This is an anonymous public forum, so yes, it’s public. Should they? Maybe, maybe not- there are lots of layers to it.

 

I’m not married yet, but I’m pretty sure that once I am, if I’m invited to a wedding but my husband is, I would question why that is, especially if the wedding is not incredibly tiny. I would question my relationship with the to-be-married couple.

That’s not to say that I couldn’t go to a wedding without an SO. I have before, many times, because my partner- who was invited- wasn’t available. I can have fun on my own. It’s possible to value independence while honoring general etiquette.

 

Maybe I missed this- have you been invited to a wedding (because that is what we’re talking about, not a birthday party or weekend out) without your Fiance when you were engaged? You’re not married yet- would you be upset if only one of you was invited to a wedding of a “close friend” who had a 250 person guest list? Would you go?

 

ETA: Also, I’d like to add that a married couple isn’t necessarily more valid than just dating. There are lots of different relationships. Cutting at these points is easy, but sometime there are exceptions.

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