Fiance had a bit of a blunder, how to fix it?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think anyone would jumped to the conclusion that you put him up to it from what he said. Obviously you know this, but you can’t compare one child to another. It’s incredibly “unfair”, but that’s life. 

I wouldn’t focus on this situation at all. It doesn’t sound like anything really. It’s also not on you to “fix” something between a parent and child regardless of what it is. He wanted to ask for help and that’s what he did. Have you had issues with his mother in the past? If so, your reaction makes sense- in which case, who cares what she thinks. If not, then you’re just over analyzing. Don’t put that pressure on yourself.

It is, however, pretty ridiculous that his mom would act like it’s outrageous for a grooms family to chip in for a wedding. It’s always irritated me to see a brides parents putting up 10’s of thousands of dollars and the grooms doing nothing or paying for the rehearsal dinner (which I find to be a useless event anyway, but that’s another story).

Post # 3
Member
2341 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
serendipitouslyus :  I would probably stay out of it, and have your fiance explain to your parents that a coworker had told him that and he figured he’d ask. Or, just forget about it unless they bring it up again? You might possibly be overthinking it.

Regarding how his sister is treated… that sounds really annoying and I can definitely understand your frustration. My in laws provide A LOT for my husbands siblings, and when they don’t have the money they often come to us to borrow, in order to pay their rent, or buy them a car. My husband would often not get paid back before we were married but now that were married I told him were not just giving away our hard earned money. They’ll never learn to take care of themselves that way.

Anyways, ignore his sister (easier said than done) and make sure your fiance isn’t planning to loan his siblings anymore money once you’re married, if they aren’t paying him back that could cause a lot of problems in your marriage.

Post # 5
Member
5461 posts
Bee Keeper

Well that was pretty clumsy of him and you should have joined the conversation and not just sat there. From this point I think it would be best to sit down with his parents and explain that you don’t expect them to pay but if they would like to chip in or do a rehearsal dinner that’s fine. These days there are no “traditions” so far as who pays. 

When my daughter got married, we paid for it all and her in laws did a beautiful rehearsal/welcome dinner for all the out of town guests. We also paid for their honeymoon. I guess this is traditional, but I know plenty of people who didn’t do it this way. Most weddings seem to be paid for by a combo of the bride and groom and their families.

Post # 6
Member
1492 posts
Bumble bee

1) stop sharing details. His sister doesn’t know about something she can’t complain about it. 

2) he will move out soon and then you don’t have to care about him paying rent to his parents or not. Some parents suck. It isn’t fair but it happens. Don’t waste energy being upset about something that won’t change. Just put some distance between you both and his parents when he moves out so you don’t get hurt by it. 

3) the more you being something up the bigger of a deal it gets. ( see any reality tv show for proof of that lol) so just let this whole him asking his parents to help pay thing drop. It’s his parents his problem. If they say anything to him or you about it in the future you can say, you’ll have to address that with your son. And then he can clarify he heard it from a coworker. 

Pick your battles. And don’t let these people or his sister get under your skin. 

Just wanted to add, those reasons you mentioned for why they’ve hate random family members? Clearly you know they are irrational right? Which means there is NOTHING you can do. If they want to hate you they will find a reason. So know that with these people you won’t ever be close, shouldn’t trust emotionally and need strong boundaries with. Don’t tell them info you don’t absolutely have to. They don’t need to know where you buy clothes, how you spend your money, and any comments they do make that are innapropriate should be dealt with by saying no thanks, none of your business, followed by distance from them. 

Post # 7
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

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serendipitouslyus :  Totally understand being uncomfortable with in laws. Honestly, all families have their weird behavior. Maintain a polite demeanor, but keep your distance. If his mom really does think it was your influencing him speaking up, then you probably can’t change that and trying to “fix it” will likely just make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. They can’t take anything away from you as they aren’t contributing anyway, so don’t fret about feeling punished or anything like that. You have so many more important things to focus on during this time.

I will say, it would be smart to speak to your Fiance and let him know, hey, if you’re going to do something like that in the future, please give me a heads up. This is a good opportunity to work on/develop your communication skills as a couple!

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