(Closed) Fiance has a gambling problem….help!! (LONG post)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My advice is to tell him that you’d like to do pre-marital counseling, which is a fairly normal thing, and I’d wait until the session to bring it up. But I must say, just from your post, it does worry me that you’re knowingly going into a marriage with someone who is lying to you, has a gambling addiction, and your concern is that if he calls off the wedding you have to move back in with your parents. Better to live with your parents for longer than to spend the rest of your life unhappy, and I fear that is what will happen if things continue down this path – and without counseling, that is most likely what would happen, since it does sound like he has an addiction.

If you do confront him I would try to be calm and not confrontational about it, because he is going to get defensive. I’d present it more as you were worried and felt like something wasn’t right, so you looked at the bank accounts, and while he may be upset wiht you for that what you found it the much bigger issue here, and that is what you two need to discuss right now.

Post # 5
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

But think about what you’re trading in…. a temporary loss of someone dear to you … or the rest of your life spent dealing with someone who you can’t trust? I mean, what will you do when you have chlidren (if you plan to)? Will he keep lying, will your finances spiral down the drain? what kind of role model will he be? will the lies turn into abuse?

I think when you said you know what you need to do in your heart of hearts, it was true. I’m so so so sorry for you – my best friend went through this and it was heartbreaking.  In the end, she made the right decision and she’s much happier now.  I think you know what you need to do, and why.  And remember- your marriage effects not just you, but your family, and your future family and children. Trust is sooo important.

Best of luck, and I’ll pray for you/keep you in my thoughts.

Post # 6
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@bridetobe90: I am sorry to hear this. I know someone with a gambling addiction and I know firsthand that your Fiance needs therapy. Please please deal with this issue before getting married.

Gamblers Annonymous is free and has been effective for my friend.

I wish you the best.

I strongly strongly urge you to make sure that you discuss this openly with your Fiance and make sure he is commited to dealing with this problem before you get married.

Post # 7
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

If he’s not ready to acknowledge his problem, I can’t imagine how he’d be willing to seek help.

 

You’re not his wife (yet). I’d run.

Post # 8
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

 

My boyfriend is a professional poker player. He wasn’t when we met. We’ve always had a very open and honest relationship, and I’ve always told him, as long as you never lie to me, or cheat, we’ll be together til one of us drops dead…I feel like the secret to getting honest answers from a ‘gambler,’ which I don’t even consider my bf to be, is to never show that you are worried about the money, and to just give encouraging advice when he loses…tell him that you don’t mind him gambling…you just mind him lieing to you about it. My bf quitting his job & playing full time was the very best decision we’ve ever made….I go with him sometimes & I almost always win a little, but never as much as he does…if you need to, because he is irresponsible, have is paycheck direct deposit into a separate account that only you can touch, and leave him with an allowance…for example, if he makes 2,000 per paycheck, the first 1500 can go into your account, and whatever is left over goes into his….which is also an incentive for him to work more…and you should never live beyond the means of the lowest income….what I mean by that is, if I made 30,000 a year, and my sweetheart made 75,000 a year, we agreed that we would never live somewhere that I couldnt afford comfortably on my own…I have a friend whose husband wrecked his motorcycle, and he was out of work for a year…they went completely belly up because he couldnt work & she couldn’t maintain their living expenses…I know this is getting kinda long…but I just don’t think you should leave him over this…if he was cheating on you, or beating you up, or abusive, or didn’t love you, then yes…but if he’s good at gambling, you have other options….if he has a problem with gambling, and he’s addicted, you should help him instead of abandoning him.

Post # 9
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

“I’m just so afraid that if I don’t say something, this will follow us into our marriage and turn out badly.”

It will. Do not think otherwise.

You need to confront him about it – the fact that he is hiding all of this from you is awful, admit to snooping and DONT let him turn the blame around on you. Give him an ultimatum – come clean & get help or you will have to leave and find someone that respects you enough to be truthful to you.

Sorry you are going through this.

Post # 10
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

This situation definitely needs to be dealt with or you are 100% correct, this will follow into your marriage and turn out badly.  Absolutely, no doubt about that.  Please take some kind of action.  I would suggest doing some research on gambling addiction and maybe go to a meeting.  I know alcoholics anonymous has meetings for people involved with alcoholics.  I’m sure it’s the same for gambling addiction.  Then, learn how to confront him calmly.  If all else fails, RUN as quickly as you can and do not marry this man in this condition.

No way will this turn out good if you do nothing.  I’m so very sorry – it’s so hard to deal with this type of thing.  Good vibes to you!  Keep us posted.

Do something – NOW rather than later.   There is no such thing as a no win situation. You can improve this situation by confronting it and then moving on if necessary.  but not by doing nothing.

Post # 11
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

We need an update!!! 

Post # 12
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

IDK – I guess I don’t really see the problem.

You aren’t married yet and you still have separate accounts.  So what he chooses to do with his money is his choice (even if it isn’t what you would choose).  He seems to still have enough to provide you with his share of rent/bills/etc (at least from what you’ve told us).

Now, I agree that he shouldn’t be lying to you about gambling.  But I also don’t think you can tell him how to spend his extra money.

@ForeverAndEverAfter: I like the idea of an allowance.  Darling Husband and I are currently doing something similar.  Darling Husband and I both really enjoy casinos and Darling Husband is working in Vegas during the week for the next 18 months (he travels for work).  He gets per diems every day from his company to cover his food expenses.  We worked out a deal that whatever part of his per diems he doesn’t spend on food, he can gamble.  So if he wants to go to a nice dinner with his work friends, he has less money to play with that week.  But if he watches what he spends on food, he has more to take to the casino.  It’s been working out great (and so far he is up money in winnings too!)

Post # 13
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Seems like you keep looking knowing very well what you’ll find. You can’t trust him because he lies and he can’t trust you because you snoop. Doesn’t sound healthy on either part. You may live together but you don’t have a joint account so that means what he does with his money as long as the bills and other obligations are paid is up to him. Now if you think he has a gambling problem whether the bills are paid or not,  you need to bring gambling up with him directly and immediately like an adult and stop breaking into his bank accounts.

If you don’t have a monthly financial plan then talk to him about starting that. I wouldn’t get married now if I were you. Why get marrried to someone you that you can’t trust and makes you act untrustworthy too. I doubt a marriage will end well if you don’t address both of your behaviors.

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