Fiancé has been cheating with escorts!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
2554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t know the law in Scotland (or anywhere really…) but seems to me it should be him doing the leaving.  And the paying child support, and alimony, and general “sorry for fucking you over here’s some cash” payments.  Like forever.

I have young daughters, and if my husband cheated I would walk.  I will not teach my girls that it is ok to accept that.  But that’s just my personal opinion, if you think you can work through this and model a healthy relationship for your children by all means do that.  I’m not near forgiving enough to make that happen so I know leaving would be best for my kids, but we’re all different.  Good luck hon.

Post # 47
Member
6278 posts
Bee Keeper

You’ve had good advice here but I just wanted to say hello to a fellow uk bee. 

You sound really sensible and you’re going so well. It’ll be phases and waves of feelings and that why when another bee mentioned counciling I think she was on to something – but for YOU to help you build your new brilliant life. 

Its all on him. Plenty of couples have a little flat phase and husbands (nor wives) don’t run off and behave this way. So please don’t let his behaviour make you feel bad about yourself. 

Im glad you have family support. 

Please get a shit hot lawyer. The balls in your court. Did you take screen grabs of his phone or anything. It doesn’t seem like you need ‘evidence’ but anything you can gather to build a case against him is in your favour. A good lawyer can help here. It’s hard to think like this but it’s you’re futures (you and kids) at stake so no time to feel soft hearted towards him. 

Post # 48
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m so sorry, bee. This is a devastating revelation. He’s such a scum bag – I’m glad you’ve resolved to leave him. In no way should you be embarrassed!! You didn’t do these disgusting things – he did. 

Make sure to consult an attorney regarding your rights. Given how long you’ve been together, you may have some rights to the house. I don’t know Scottish law, but in the US there is common law marriage and domestic partnerships. Don’t give anything up before you’re certain you don’t have any rights to it. 

Bug hugs!!

Post # 49
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

collette1505 :  So… He proposed to you 10 YEARS AGO, and you’ve been calling him your fiancé all of this time?? *sigh* So much wrong here… 10 year engagement, 2 kids, no marriage, cheating with escorts, irregular pap smear….

Op, please get far away from this man. It doesn’t seem like he was ever truly committed to you. He’s been using you to bear and raise his children while he is off living a double life. He should be ashamed. But I hope you also reevaluate some of the decisions you’ve made in turning a blind eye to over a decade of bullshit. You deserve so much better than this. 

Post # 50
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

When he’s at work one day, pack up and fly home.  Stay with/near parents or friends (i.e. support system).  The silver lining is, you’re not married and he has no custodial rights (YET).  He’ll need to fight you for them, and let him do so until you two can come up with a custodial agreement.  You shouldn’t be stuck in a foreign country with no friends or family because that’s where HE works if he’s been cheating on you and not married to you.

I would cut and run soooo fast.  Ooh – screenshot and save/email all proof so you have it when you need it.  

Post # 51
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

collette1505 :  he has everything to be ashamed of. Don’t you for one minute take responsibility for any of his choices to cheat or lie. Those choices were his, not yours. And they are not your fault. You didn’t “drive him to it.” A good man would have broken up or been honest a loooong time ago. This is not a good man. This is a man who hasn’t done right by the mother of his kids for over 10yrs. And you will not always love him. You feel like you will now. Just like nearly everyone who’s been abused or cheated on or w someone for a long time has felt. Your feelings will pass w time as long as you set yourself free.

I don’t love my ex at all anymore and I’m confused that I ever did. I don’t waste my precious time hating him or wishing him ill, but he doesn’t have claim to even the tiniest bit of my heart or life. There are too many good and great ppl in the world for me to waste a second more of my life on anyone who falls so short.  A good father would never ever do this to the mother of his kids. I am proud of you for taking steps to move on. And reach out to your friends/fam or here or over at chumplady whebever you need. 

Post # 58
Member
1597 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Tell him to fuck off, take him for everything he has child support wise and be thankful you got out of that relationship. That is a HUGE and repeated betrayal.

Post # 59
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

collette1505 :  most likely nothing was wrong w you or your life. He was going to do this regardless of what his family or marriage was. Some ppl will never be happy w one relationship. Some ppl “need” a double life. Through no fault of their partner or public life or relationship. They should be honest about that.

My ex ended up not wanting sleep w me much (and I TRIED) and it turns out that he was scrambling to set up mtgs w ppl (like one early Easter we spent apart and he met someone for sex in a parking lot or waiting til I tried to get him to come to bed at night so he could instead proposition strangers). Nothing I could help there. Insane. I left 3 days early for a wedding when we were engaged to host the bachelorette party. He scrambled to meet w ppl for sex in those 3 days before he came to meet me for engagement pics and to attend the wedding.

The devastation for him may never show but it is likely that he has unresolved issues that make it so he wants/needs to live a secret double life and no amazing person is going to ignore that or be okay w that forever. He probably can never show love in a healthy way or have a healthy, non-toxic honest relationship. You, on the other hand, are fine and can be in a loving, healthy relationship- w family, friends, kids, and partner. That will be your triumph. It is already his downfall.

Nobody will ever be able to “love him” into monogamy or honesty. And good that you’re leaving his mom be. She most likely knows he’s this way (and probably why) and is just in denial. Not your job (and maybe not possible) to get her out of that. Anybody who needs screen shots to believe you isn’t to be trusted. An ex’s mom who had been super close and nice to me before tricked me into being on the phone w her so her son (who’d pulled a knife on me) could find me and arrive there to surprise me against all of what id told her and him I wanted (zero contact). Only trust and talk this over w ppl who get it and are on your side. Your dude is into prostitute sex and would likely still be doing this even if he didn’t travel for work and even if he married one of these prostitutes.

Post # 60
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Oh and I forgot to say that I think you’re amazing! You’re being so strong! I too was made a fool of and was left feeling embarrassed! My ex who I was with for 10 years, had a one night stand with someone we both worked with. My family were dealing with the death of my grandma so I stayed while I worked out where to go. He begged me for another chance and I wasn’t as strong as you. I stayed and told no one. We swore the girl to silence.  everyday I felt ashamed going to work, waiting for her to out us. Watching her flirt with people by my desk with not a care in the world. 2 years later he inherited money which we had waited 5 years for. It was from the sale of a house and we had agreed that we would use the money (before this all happened) to buy a ring and get married as it was what his grandma would have wanted. The day the sale went through I left! Went to my parents who didn’t have room for me! 8 weeks later my little sis took me out to cheer me up. A man made me laugh at the bar. My sis insisted I give him my number. I wasn’t planning on going on a date. Or a second date……6 months later he took me to Rome and asked me to move in with him. 3 years later we are ring shopping. My ex still emails, texts, stops me in work to tell me how he ruined his life. By boyfriend laughs about how he knew he had to get me quick before a queue had formed cos women like me are not single very often! (I’m completely normal btw he just doesn’t seem to see it!) he laughs at his 3am messages and thanks god for the day he couldn’t keep his kecks on.  you are stronger than I was! Everything happens for a reason. You sound like an amazing mum and an amazing woman. It may not feel like it now but you’ll be more than fine! Well done for having balls and knowing your worth! 

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