(Closed) Fiancé has big family, no money

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

That’s annoying bee, but did they actually say they would financially contribute to the wedding? It really isn’t clear from your post if they said that so perhaps you assumed because your parents chipped in. I sounds like she mentioned she might pay for travel costs for her siblings, not your wedding costs.

I don’t like that you both had expectations from the start that this should be funded by parents, it is your wedding. 

Can you have a look through the details for the day and cut things out or make substitutions? 

You have learned in a harsh way but you really shouldn’t spend other people’s money while it is still in their wallet. 

Post # 17
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I feel a few people are being a bit harsh with you. Of course no one “owes” you anything, but whenever I see a post where a parent has committed to helping with something, and backs out without a word, that’s a mar on THEIR character, not yours. Naturally, you shouldn’t bank on anything until you have it in hand (no pun intended), but I don’t find fault with bees who depend on family members to be honest and transparent in these matters. It sounds like maybe there was some misunderstanding in communication, and perhaps you were a bit too eager to make everyone happy. Sadly, you’re waiting till the 11th hour to clear things up, and it’s a bit late to change your plans accordingly. Perhaps have a conversation with your fiance, tell him the issue that you were left with a different impression, and let him handle the issue with his parents. I’m not quite sure why so many are harsh with bees who expect family members to be reliable. I’ve seen that on many boards, and I don’t agree with it. 

Post # 20
2914 posts
Sugar bee

I feel your pain. I personally experienced a lot of issues with people who were not contributing to the wedding costs making demands and requests. It is frustrating, and talking about money is never fun, and it’s hard to be polite. You also have to keep in mind that your in laws will be your family for life, so you want to avoid offending them, if at all possible.

I agree with PPs, that you should never assume with money, especially because it can be so subjective. What is a high number for some, is a low number for others. It’s all about perspective.

You’re in a tough spot. You didn’t ask your future in laws for their contribution until 2 months out. You’ve already invited all of these people, your wedding is in 1 month. There’s not much you can do now.

Post # 21
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I usually don’t like cash bars but in this case I would do a cash bar and have your dad hang out at the bar during cocktail hour and buy drinks for your family.  Like casually, “Oh Uncle Jim, it’s so good to see you, let me get that.”  But subtle.  😉

Post # 22
382 posts
Helper bee

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megsho :  Good luck with your wedding! I feel for you as I have also learned the hard way (back in college) to wait til the check clears before you count on help from anyone- sometimes even people you trust who you want to help have things come up and can’t help as promised or have to delay. 

During wedding planning I’ve also learned that it’s important to keep others focused on the point of the day… your wedding. Both my parents and my in laws are contributing to the wedding and I have had to tell both sides no to things they wanted that we didn’t want or have withinin the budget. 

It’s frustrating that your Mother-In-Law has turned this into her family reunion, while being unable/unwilling to help. Could you ask your fiance if his parents would be willing to host (pay for) a rehearsal dinner or welcome BBQ for all the guests? Or maybe grab the bar tab for their side of the family?

Normally I hate to ask for money but it does sort of sound like Mother-In-Law dangled the carrot of “help” in front of you guys when she made all these suggestions and then withdrew it, for whatever reason. Perhaps if your Fiance can be specific with her (“Mom, you said you wanted to help. I wanted to let you know that we do need and want your help. We anticipate the bar will cost $x and the vast majority of that expense would be from our invited guests. Are you comfortable with paying for $x of that?”). If she says no, that’s okay. But Fiance letting her know directly, hey, we do need some of that promised help now that we’ve taken input from you in the planning stage that has contributed to the expense, might be the nudge she needs. 

Post # 23
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
megsho :  As I’m sure you know, traditionally the bride’s parents pay for the wedding, so I’m not surprised his parents are not contributing much. My husband has a much larger family than mine, and his mom wanted to invite a bunch of extra people who were not on our original guest list. We agreed to invite them after telling her she had to pay $200 per person. She wrote us a check for $5,000 that we deposited before the invites went out. His parents also covered the rehearsal dinner. 

Is it possible your Mother-In-Law doesn’t realize the marginal cost for each extra person? Has your husband spoken to her and let her know it costs X per person? A wedding is not the time to play coy with your finances. You need to be very upfront with all parties involved in what you are spending and what your budget is. 

Post # 24
264 posts
Helper bee

Oh my goodness, I feel your pain! 

My ex and I were planning a wedding and we set the venue at 75 guests as we were paying for it ourselves. Our guest list was mostly his family, I would honestly say 90% was his family. Once his mom saw the venue, she said we had room and started adding people to the guest list! I was working 2 full time jobs and saving like crazy and ex was working one. He had everything he needed and I didn’t even have a dress. Thank goodness since we broke up before the wedding. I was so sick of it and started calling it his family reunion and not our wedding. He hated that but it was the truth. 

My ex’s mom didn’t realy think about the fact that adding people was costing me and not based on venue size. Maybe your fiancee’s mom doesn’t either? I would have him bring it up and tell her unless she pays for it, they’re not all invited. 

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